Does lack of ambition in a partner turn you off? (wife, married)
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My wife and I have been together for 12 years, nearly 4 of those as a married couple.
I'm very happy in the marriage, but I've always been a little put off by the fact that my wife has no ambition to do anything beyond the day-to-day. She doesn't really have any big goals, or so she says.
We're both 32. Because of health and debt issues, she says she's not yet ready to start a family.
We got engaged 7 years into the relationship. I would have proposed sooner, but she never gave me any indication she was in a hurry to tie the knot. (I was also trying to save up money.) She was fine waiting that long.
Over the years, when it's come to planning outings and vacations, I've always been the one to make suggestions, except on a few rare occasions where she might say, "Hey, this is happening in town this weekend."
Thankfully, she's matured sexually over the past couple of years. Before that, though, it was very one-sided.
My wife has had just one real friend all these years, so any social engagements tend to involve only my close friends.
She's a teacher and gets home very tired. It's no surprise, then, that she just wants to plop down on the couch. (She does cook some days. I help out with the dishes, laundry, cleaning, and other chores.). It seems she wants to remain a teacher her whole life.
As for me, I tell her I have many goals:
- Getting a better position in my company or elsewhere
- Continuing to make money on my blog, and building a more robust one
- Perhaps getting a master's
- Learning to play the guitar
- Learning the piano
Again, I love her and am thankful to have her in my life, but I guess I'd love it if she displayed a little more drive sometimes. By her own admission, she isn't really an ambitious person. She's just very simple and low-maintenance in all facets of her life.
I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that setting goals and working hard to achieve them is an attractive quality in a partner.
Do you agree? Anyone ever been in this situation with a current or past partner?
Last edited by Wordsmith12; 11-01-2017 at 07:52 AM..
Some people are just content doing what they do, especially if it consumes a lot of their energy and time, it may mean having less drive to pursue other things. Does she have hobbies and interests? Has she ever? Is her lack of drive a new development?
Personally, I think I'd prefer a partner who is happy with their life, whether they are ambitious or not, to one who was unhappy (or rather, unsatisfied) even if that drove them to achieve.
I want happiness and harmony in my home. The less stress, the better. If my partner is fired up with excitement and happiness over the pursuit of some goal, that's cool. If they are happy and content where they're at, that's cool too.
If they are stagnant in life and unhappy with it, but unwilling to change anything, yet complain and act miserable all the time...that's no good. If they are ambitious because they're never happy or grateful for anything they've got, and they think everything will be better and they can be happy once they reach this next goal...then this next one...then this other one... and I think they'll never be happy, then I don't like that either.
So ambition...*shrug*...whatever. Happiness though, is kind of the point of everything, as far as I'm concerned.
Yes. One of the biggest fallacies in romance is that we are the same people ten years after the wedding. Nothing could be further from the truth.
It might be useful to think of ourselves as verbs rather than nouns, for we are a state of being. And what we find attractive in someone when we are single and carefree might become unattractive when we're in the throes of managing a household, raising kids and just trying to get ahead in life.
We were friends with a couple like that. They both loved going to concerts and the whatnot. She was a critical care nurse and he was this nice guy who had zero ambition. At first, they were happy because she made money, he made some money, and they were doing fine. But over time, she got tired of the stress of not only being the only breadwinner, but the fact that he didn't contribute much at all to the household. As their kids got older, the financial stresses became more severe, and yet he remained oblivious.
The final straw came when their youngest daughter broke her arm. Our friend couldn't even make the co-pay at the emergency room because her husband just maxed out the credit card on concert tickets. Again. She came home, filed for divorce, and married a nice, stable guy who makes good money. Couldn't be happier.
To grow is to live. If you don't grow in any appreciable way, then you aren't going to ultimately be a help to your partner or be stimulating company.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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This would be a turnoff to me. They need to be passionate about SOMETHING. Anything (almost) really, but SOMETHING. People without passions are boring people.
My wife and I have been together for 12 years, nearly 4 of those as a married couple.
I'm very happy in the marriage, but I've always been a little put off by the fact that my wife has no ambition to do anything beyond the day-to-day. She doesn't really have any big goals, or so she says.
We're both 32. Because of health and debt issues, she says she's not yet ready to start a family.
We got engaged 7 years into the relationship. I would have proposed sooner, but she never gave me any indication she was in a hurry to tie the knot. (I was also trying to save up money.) She was fine waiting that long.
Over the years, when it's come to planning outings and vacations, I've always been the one to make suggestions, except on a few rare occasions where she might say, "Hey, this is happening in town this weekend."
Thankfully, she's matured sexually over the past couple of years. Before that, though, it was very one-sided.
My wife has had just one real friend all these years, so any social engagements tend to involve only my close friends.
She's a teacher and gets home very tired. It's no surprise, then, that she just wants to plop down on the couch. (She does cook some days. I help out with the dishes, laundry, cleaning, and other chores.). It seems she wants to remain a teacher her whole life.
As for me, I tell her I have many goals:
- Getting a better position in my company or elsewhere
- Continuing to make money on my blog, and building a more robust one
- Perhaps getting a master's
- Learning to play the guitar
- Learning the piano
Again, I love her and am thankful to have her in my life, but I guess I'd love it if she displayed a little more drive sometimes. By her own admission, she isn't really an ambitious person. She's just very simple and low-maintenance in all facets of her life.
I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that setting goals and working hard to achieve them is an attractive quality in a partner.
Do you agree? Anyone ever been in this situation with a current or past partner?
What is it you want your wife to achieve? Teaching is an honorable profession and can be quite rewarding and demanding. Its not as though she is working at McDonalds.
My ex lacked ambition in just keeping a job or getting a better position. He quit a job just weeks after we married. He would quit anytime a supervisor made him mad. He had been unemployed months when we divorced.
And no ambition regarding our home, making improvements, paying off the mortgage early, heaven forbid keeping it clean and neat (even the yard). I notice that you default the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes and other chores to your wife even though she works full time while you see your role in that as a helper. Did you think that perhaps her time is limited in the area of other ambitions because she her spare time is spent doing the bulk of these chores?
My wife and I have been together for 12 years, nearly 4 of those as a married couple.
I'm very happy in the marriage, but I've always been a little put off by the fact that my wife has no ambition to do anything beyond the day-to-day. She doesn't really have any big goals, or so she says.
We're both 32. Because of health and debt issues, she says she's not yet ready to start a family.
We got engaged 7 years into the relationship. I would have proposed sooner, but she never gave me any indication she was in a hurry to tie the knot. (I was also trying to save up money.) She was fine waiting that long.
Over the years, when it's come to planning outings and vacations, I've always been the one to make suggestions, except on a few rare occasions where she might say, "Hey, this is happening in town this weekend."
Thankfully, she's matured sexually over the past couple of years. Before that, though, it was very one-sided.
My wife has had just one real friend all these years, so any social engagements tend to involve only my close friends.
She's a teacher and gets home very tired. It's no surprise, then, that she just wants to plop down on the couch. (She does cook some days. I help out with the dishes, laundry, cleaning, and other chores.). It seems she wants to remain a teacher her whole life.
As for me, I tell her I have many goals:
- Getting a better position in my company or elsewhere
- Continuing to make money on my blog, and building a more robust one
- Perhaps getting a master's
- Learning to play the guitar
- Learning the piano
Again, I love her and am thankful to have her in my life, but I guess I'd love it if she displayed a little more drive sometimes. By her own admission, she isn't really an ambitious person. She's just very simple and low-maintenance in all facets of her life.
I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that setting goals and working hard to achieve them is an attractive quality in a partner.
Do you agree? Anyone ever been in this situation with a current or past partner?
It's all relative....she has a frickin' job and is bringing in money. Wait until you're with someone who can't hold a job at all or wants to get on disability. THEN you'll understand what no ambition REALLY means. She wants to STAY being a teacher - pray what do you want her to become?! Stop quibbling and let her be who she is - isn't that who you married?
In MANY relationships one person takes the initiative. Interestingly, outside of the bedroom it is usually women who initiate stuff - like socializing and activities/vacations. Sorry you're "stuck" with the "woman's" job but like I said, she could be laying in bed all day. As long as she doesn't fight you then that means that though you do the planning you also get to do the DECIDING - concentrate on the positive.
And what we find attractive in someone when we are single and carefree might become unattractive when we're in the throes of managing a household, raising kids and just trying to get ahead in life.
I think this describes the situation pretty well. I like the fact that she's simple, low maintenance and easy to please. I know of other women (even in our own families) who live at the mall and have to have the latest and greatest of everything.
As for the question posed by hawaiian and metaphysique: I'd be lying if I said I realized this just yesterday. Over the years, I noticed a lack of ambition, but was hopeful that sooner or later she would begin to show some drive and pursue goals more aggressively.
I've tried to encourage her to watch less TV so we can do things together like go to the gym, walk around the park, or swim in our condo pool. But she hardly ever takes any kind of initiative.
Last edited by Wordsmith12; 11-01-2017 at 10:18 AM..
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