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I think the person asking for advice has really just discovered that there's no physical chemistry with the woman. It may be that he liked her enough that he spent some time to see if physical chemistry developed, and it didn't. That happens with people we like the looks of and feel we should be attracted to, but we're not.
Now if he is attracted to her, he might want to stop seeing her and figure out why he can't be happy dating someone he's attracted to but who doesn't meet or approximate some ideal. One slight caveat that makes me a little sympathetic to the guy is if he fears that people will think his interest in her is more of a fetish than a genuine liking or attraction. I see that as different from someone being concerned others might think he could or should do better, which is gross on so many levels but it's real, so.....Anyway, really liking her and fearing that they'll both be judged because some people think the only appeal a heavy woman might have for a thin man would be based not on her unique set of physical and personal charms, but entirely focused on her weight, is another big bunch of suck he may be dealing with.
This guy should NEVER have started dating this woman at all.He will be hurting her more so now then if he would have just kept her as a friend.There is nothing worse then being with someone whom you find out is(was)embarrassed to be with you the whole time.If you know you don't like something about the person...then don't date them...simple as that.Some people know what they like in people right away and what they don't like. I can only imagine how this woman will feel IF she finds out the truth from her bf....You can't force feelings,likes or dislikes.
My coworker confessed to me that he’s embarrassed by his girlfriend’s weight. I’m not sure why he decided to tell me this. Maybe he figured since I’m neither a friend nor a family member, it’s OK if I think less of him. For the most part, I just listened and tried not to pass judgement. He’s been dating this woman for several months. He really likes her and says they have a lot in common. But he feels awkward because she’s considerably larger than him. I didn’t ask him to go into details about what she looks like. But I did ask why he asked her out to begin with if her weight bothered him. He said that they had known each other for awhile, he liked her, but never pursued her because of her looks. As they spent more time together, however, he grew to like her even more and finally decided to ask her out in the hopes that he would become more comfortable with her over time. But I guess that never happened. He feels tremendous guilt for having these feelings and asked my advice on how to make them go away. I didn’t really have an answer, though I did say it’s unfair to his girlfriend to continue seeing her if he feels this way. He agreed. But that’s why he wants to try to change his feelings first before breaking up with her. Needless to say, he hasn’t told her how he really feels. I told him that feelings aren’t really something you can control. He didn’t force himself to like this person. It just happened as he got to know her. Likewise, he can’t force himself to NOT like her. Believe me, if I knew how to do that, I’d use it on myself to erase feelings I have for people that I wish I didn’t have. I also suggested he dig deeper to understand WHY he feels the way he does. Whose opinion is he concerned with? Friends? Family? Total strangers? And if so, why does he care what they think? I didn’t want to get into amateur psychology. But the impression I got is that he thinks this is a personal reflection on him, that it isn’t just about how others see him, but also how sees himself. In a way, I think he feels like a loser because he had to “settle” for the fat girl and couldn’t do “better”.
Again, I didn’t want to judge or tell him that he’s an awful person. He genuinely wants to change. What suggestions do you have? Is it even possible for him to change how he feels? Or should he just walk away now?
Oh damn, well that’s not cool. He should let her go so that way she will find someone who will appreciate her, won’t take her for granted, someone else will find her more physically and sexually attractive instead of feeling ashamed of himself because he cares to much about what others will think.
Last edited by Yourgermanicanish; 11-03-2017 at 01:49 PM..
It seems he's not physically attracted to her (I think if he was it wouldn't occur to him that others wouldn't also find her attractive, let alone find her embarrassing), and feels bad about it. That happens to people for all kinds of reasons. I've certainly dated men who were conventionally attractive but for whatever reason I just wasn't drawn to them physically, and had to end it as a result.
The thing is, physical attraction tends to be pretty immediate. Some people claim to develop physical attraction to someone after getting to know them more, but I think it's more the exception than the rule. Even for those people I think there has to be some "spark" of physical attraction on which to build the fire.
And if I were in this girlfriend's shoes I certainly wouldn't want to be with a man who had to talk himself into being with me, on any level. I think we all deserve to be with someone who desires us in total.
And if I were in this girlfriend's shoes I certainly wouldn't want to be with a man who had to talk himself into being with me, on any level. I think we all deserve to be with someone who desires us in total.
It seems he's not physically attracted to her (I think if he was it wouldn't occur to him that others wouldn't also find her attractive, let alone find her embarrassing), and feels bad about it. That happens to people for all kinds of reasons. I've certainly dated men who were conventionally attractive but for whatever reason I just wasn't drawn to them physically, and had to end it as a result.
The thing is, physical attraction tends to be pretty immediate. Some people claim to develop physical attraction to someone after getting to know them more, but I think it's more the exception than the rule. Even for those people I think there has to be some "spark" of physical attraction on which to build the fire.
And if I were in this girlfriend's shoes I certainly wouldn't want to be with a man who had to talk himself into being with me, on any level. I think we all deserve to be with someone who desires us in total.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Ain't that the truth.
This seems to be a good point at which to end this thread. Off-topic, inappropriate and orphaned posts have been deleted. Thank you, those who stayed on topic and posted some insightful and helpful replies.
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