Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Nobody has to pay for anything. Who has to pay? Am I depriving anyone of the magic that is glorious, wonderful ME?
I assure you, ain't nobody beating down that door! We're safe from spreading disappointment and woeful dismay.
I dunno, man. Among all of the posters I have encountered on this site, if I had to pick like the top 3 or 5 to magically have a way to meet in person, have some coffee, and talk for hours...you would be one of 'em.
You might be the sort whose best qualities are on the inside, which is the way my present BF is. That just means you've got to structure any future interactions so that you have a chance to share that. Avoid any means of meeting women that focuses too much on the superficial, and go for opportunities to connect more deeply. I have a feeling that a woman patient enough to get through your layers would see how valuable you are. I see it. Just from how you write.
EDIT: Mostly I'm just sorry you found yourself in such difficulty, and I hope there is a way for you to have something better in the future, and also have a great ongoing relationship with your child. I think you're one of the good ones, and it'd be sad if you gave up on happiness.
I dunno, man. Among all of the posters I have encountered on this site, if I had to pick like the top 3 or 5 to magically have a way to meet in person, have some coffee, and talk for hours...you would be one of 'em.
You might be the sort whose best qualities are on the inside, which is the way my present BF is. That just means you've got to structure any future interactions so that you have a chance to share that. Avoid any means of meeting women that focuses too much on the superficial, and go for opportunities to connect more deeply. I have a feeling that a woman patient enough to get through your layers would see how valuable you are. I see it. Just from how you write.
EDIT: Mostly I'm just sorry you found yourself in such difficulty, and I hope there is a way for you to have something better in the future, and also have a great ongoing relationship with your child. I think you're one of the good ones, and it'd be sad if you gave up on happiness.
That's very kind of you to say. It really is.
If it helps any, I didn't give up on happiness, I just grew up enough to realize that the problem with most relationships is people -- myself included. There's a reason the relationships we view as really amazing, as worthy of all the effort, are kind of few and far between. Even if a person is willing to invest, it doesn't mean the other person really is, no matter what they say.
I returned to my writing, and am working on some novels these days when I have the time in the evenings or on weekends. I spend all the time I can with my son, and have him in counseling to help cope with the anger issues. We're closer than ever now that he's old enough to express what's behind his anger, and I can deal with it more directly.
I've taken to cutting people out of my life if I've learned they don't share the whole mutuality of having someone's best interests at heart. I've taken to heart the difference between what people say and what they do. I've learned to not waste time and effort on people for whom winning is more important than sharing or productive coexistence.
I've gotten out of the prison-like existence of a sociopathic, narcissistic home, learned to just bluntly shove past her controlling tendencies and manipulations. I've stopped accepting the burdens of others and started holding folks accountable for their words and their actions alike, no longer mutely allowing folks to take advantage.
I started taking a lot of my own advice I've spread in these forums, learning to say no rather than arguing and trying to sway others to my own brand of reason.
I've been happier since learning to do that stuff.
Honestly, I think once upon a time I felt like I needed a woman in order to complete a picture I had in my head. These days, I don't need anyone except my son, because we share ourselves with one another, even if I firmly let him know I'm a dad before I'm a pal. I DO think it would be nice to meet such a woman, but I no longer crave it or worry about it, or long, yearn, actively desire, waste time getting dreamy about it.
I know I'm a good man. I've seen it, done it, lived it, even if my choices in women weren't the best. They were still my choices, and I'm accountable for those.
No, ma'am -- haven't given up on happiness at all. I seek to build a happy life. I just don't imagine a woman-shaped hole where someone is hopefully going to step, a void for someone else to fill. I NEVER imagined a "perfect woman" or had illusions where it was all cake, but I think there was a void I had to learn to fill myself, and I did.
I'm not going to spit on woman, swear them off; I'm just also NOT going to make myself so openly vulnerable anymore. Trust will have to grow, and will take its own sweet time. Which is natural.
I trust less. That's not the same as not trusting at all.
2 years, long distance (dumb, I know)
he was so arrogant, selfish, dirty and mean
dressed like high school kid and was a grown-a *s*sed 40 year old man
I was obsessed with marrying and being a rockstar's wife. He helped me take the cure after I wound up in the ER and he couldn't have cared less. I still hate his guts, but he's helped me to realize I deserve MUCH better.
After the second date, I found him listed on the sex offender registry, lewdness with a child under 14. Gave him a chance to explain, since the conviction was a decade ago and he didn't do jail time, only probation.
I accepted his excuses (it was a single non-violent, fully clothed offense, and he was drunk, blah blah)and continued to see him for a couple months, ignoring other red flags, like prior addiction issues he volunteered info on...
Dumb dumb dumb.... he may not have been truly attracted to children or still on drugs, but ultimately, he was just messed up for whatever reason and NOT relationship material, dumping me at the first real conflict between us. I was really hurt then, but now I feel like I dodged a bullet.
In the timeframe after my breakup with my ex husband, he and I were both trying to date on OKC. I found people and went out into the world to meet them. He tried to find a woman (any woman) to latch onto, tell them that he'd beat up their exes and move them and their kids into his big house and solve their problems if they'd only be his one and only...he would take food to them at their places of employment, which I think creeped at least one of them out. He ended up with one who "friend zoned" him but later would call him when her kids needed a ride somewhere and she was busy. Another one wanted him to hook her up with pain drugs. There was another one, that I know he had hopes for, who was a heroin addict, a thief and a prostitute, but she was a fellow veteran and he's utterly convinced that all vets are higher beings compared to the rest of mortal civilian "sheep" humanity. So. He moved this woman into the house, while I still lived there, and our kids still lived there, hoping she would be with him. A homeless heroin addict, thief, and prostitute. But she was cute, for what that's worth I guess. After two weeks of hanging out in the garage listening to him go on and on with his ranting monologues, smoking pot with him and all...she couldn't take it anymore and found someone's couch to sleep on and moved out. He never did get sex from her.
Now she is in jail, on heroin charges, and he is telling me (with that note of hope in his voice I've learned to recognize when he talks about other women)...that he's writing letters to her and visiting her, and hopes that she'll get clean and he can "help her" when she gets out.
Do I cringe, thinking about how I spent 18 years with this guy? Oh, for so many reasons.
Now she is in jail, on heroin charges, and he is telling me (with that note of hope in his voice I've learned to recognize when he talks about other women)...that he's writing letters to her and visiting her, and hopes that she'll get clean and he can "help her" when she gets out.
Do I cringe, thinking about how I spent 18 years with this guy? Oh, for so many reasons.
If it helps any, I didn't give up on happiness, I just grew up enough to realize that the problem with most relationships is people -- myself included. There's a reason the relationships we view as really amazing, as worthy of all the effort, are kind of few and far between. Even if a person is willing to invest, it doesn't mean the other person really is, no matter what they say.
I returned to my writing, and am working on some novels these days when I have the time in the evenings or on weekends. I spend all the time I can with my son, and have him in counseling to help cope with the anger issues. We're closer than ever now that he's old enough to express what's behind his anger, and I can deal with it more directly.
I've taken to cutting people out of my life if I've learned they don't share the whole mutuality of having someone's best interests at heart. I've taken to heart the difference between what people say and what they do. I've learned to not waste time and effort on people for whom winning is more important than sharing or productive coexistence.
I've gotten out of the prison-like existence of a sociopathic, narcissistic home, learned to just bluntly shove past her controlling tendencies and manipulations. I've stopped accepting the burdens of others and started holding folks accountable for their words and their actions alike, no longer mutely allowing folks to take advantage.
I started taking a lot of my own advice I've spread in these forums, learning to say no rather than arguing and trying to sway others to my own brand of reason.
I've been happier since learning to do that stuff.
Honestly, I think once upon a time I felt like I needed a woman in order to complete a picture I had in my head. These days, I don't need anyone except my son, because we share ourselves with one another, even if I firmly let him know I'm a dad before I'm a pal. I DO think it would be nice to meet such a woman, but I no longer crave it or worry about it, or long, yearn, actively desire, waste time getting dreamy about it.
I know I'm a good man. I've seen it, done it, lived it, even if my choices in women weren't the best. They were still my choices, and I'm accountable for those.
No, ma'am -- haven't given up on happiness at all. I seek to build a happy life. I just don't imagine a woman-shaped hole where someone is hopefully going to step, a void for someone else to fill. I NEVER imagined a "perfect woman" or had illusions where it was all cake, but I think there was a void I had to learn to fill myself, and I did.
I'm not going to spit on woman, swear them off; I'm just also NOT going to make myself so openly vulnerable anymore. Trust will have to grow, and will take its own sweet time. Which is natural.
I trust less. That's not the same as not trusting at all.
I thought the same as Sonic Spork. I've seen your posts, and as I read her post, I thought "...and he's a good writer". (Yes, I am of the inside-quote school.of thought)
Then I read your post wherein you said you write. Keep doing that. It has a healing effect, even if you aren't writing directly about your pain, and a side effect of a ****ty marriage or relationship is that it can deepen one's creativity. I was once stuck in a short story until I realized what I needed to get through the scene was to dredge up the emotions from the breakup of my marriage to get it right. As they say, writing is easy--just sit at the keyboard and open a vein.
Different details here, but the same outcome. Wondered how the hell I let the horror happen, but I got a fantastic kid, now an adult, out of the whole mess.
It took YEARS, but I'm finally taking a chance on love again. That being able to trust again thing takes a huge leap of faith. Maybe you will someday, but meanwhile, you've got your son and yourself to heal, so take good care of the both of you. And keep writing.
Most of the cringing I do is with regard to my own lack of judgment. How I missed or ignored certain red flags, how I intentionally dropped my guard. We live, we learn.
Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
(set 18 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,356,252 times
Reputation: 5382
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
Well, there’s the one guy who ended up in prison, but he seemed sweet at the time that we dated.
Sounds like my ex too..... He had really screwed his life up after I met him. It’s sad.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We're safe from spreading disappointment and woeful dismay.
) 
