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So first, some encouragement, before I start verbally slapping you (after all, who the hell am I to be talking to you about anything in the first place?) upside the head.
It gets better. That, I promise you. Time really does heal all wounds except those WE insist on picking at, tearing up the scabs and lacerating our emotional skin until infection sets in and we're worse off than ever.
Think about that. Getting used to the idea is the scab. Allowing (or even making) yourself relive this is picking at the scab, and tearing yourself up wondering countless versions of what if or dreaming this will all work out -- that's emotional infection, obsession, and that way lies a kind of madness whereby you cripple yourself for a long time.
We become what we do, and HABIT is a difficult thing to break.
You are teaching yourself to obsess. You are teaching yourself to dwell on someone.
You are teaching yourself to give in to the same insecurities which drove her away in the first place. Did you ever see the movie Hitch? It's not a great movie, but there is one amazingly useful scene where the central character, upon finding out his woman has left him for another man, is standing outside a car, in the rain, shouting to her that he'll do whatever it takes to win her back, if she'll just TELL him what he did wrong, so he can fix it.
And the guy she left him for shouts "Dude, you're doing it NOW."
Listen, bub. I feel your pain, I've been there. Many of us have in one way or another. Knowing how much to love, and how to conduct oneself in the expression of that love, it's NOT EASY for some of us. One of the most difficult things to understand as a guy is WHY we're not allowed to be insecure, since women SAY they want a man who's willing to be vulnerable? After all, for us men, our insecurities ARE where we express our vulnerability.
It's hard. I get that, I really do. We have ideas about how we want to both give and receive the love in our lives. When we express these things in ways which the other party does not want, even though we're expressing love and desire we begin to drive them away. As they back off we push harder, thinking we'll SHOW them our sincerity, but they back off MORE. It's a vicious cycle, one which ends in our pain because for us, we kept trying, doing what we thought was right, and they're still gone. How could they leave us? We LOVED them!
But we didn't love them right.
Rule # 1: Back off from women for the moment, YOU'RE NOT READY.
Do you have any real idea who the hell you are? Don't roll your eyes, junior, I'm asking a serious question, one you need to weigh over the course of long, sleepless nights. This question needs to be a bug in your ear. It needs to cause you consternation UNTIL you start figuring the answer out.
Step 1: Ask yourself what you want to do with your life. What is your job going to be? How will that job serve YOU (not a family, not a woman, not a girlfriend, not other people -- YOU)? Will that job give you satisfaction in life? Will it provide security? Will it be a step on the road to making yourself happy?
Step 2: Once you've got some idea about Step 1, start making your decisions, your actions, your pursuits during your waking hours, all in service of that goal.
Step 3: Focus on yourself. Choose your areas and choose them seriously: health, finances, personal grooming, posture and how you conduct yourself in daily life, personal interaction with others, learning what the word CONFIDENCE actually means (hint, it means being aware of who you are and liking who you are, the outward manifestation of confidence just falls into place after that). Imagine the man you WANT TO BE and start taking steps to become that man. Don't worry about impressing others, or pleasing a woman. Become WHO you want to be.
Rule # 2: Learn what is meant by Love Languages
This one isn't about becoming a sappy, angst-driven hippie, or some New Age minstrel. It's another step in learning who you are, and in learning about other people.
Look up the Love Languages, it's actually pretty insightful. There's a lot there about not only how people express themselves, but about what YOU NEED in your love life.
You aren't limited to only one love language. I'm 4 out of the categorized 5 with regard to how I express, and 3 of the 5 with regard to what I personally need out of a partner.
Rule # 3: Deal with the ugliness of critical self-examination
Personal accountability is a MUST in the realm of Manhood. It's supposed to be for everyone who is an adult, but most people never really learn to deal with it. One of the differences between those we admire and those who are just other extras on the set is the personally accountable Stars, and the don't-really-matter-just-passing-through extras who don't need to answer for anything at all except getting too far into the screen shot.
Learn to answer to yourself for your actions. That bit up above regarding how you just can't block her on FB because it doesn't seem right? So you asked her to please block you?!?!?
I want you to personally tell me just how manly that probably looks to her. I want you to evaluate how WIMPY and CLINGY and here's the word -- WEAK that must have looked to her, and then tell me about WHY a woman, any woman, would want such a man in her life in the first place, let alone want him BACK after she'd already cut him out of her life?
She got to get rid of that guy, the one who was too weak and clingy, but he still has to go home and live with himself.
BE ashamed of that moment, pal. You should be. But even though it was your yesterday, it doesn't have to be your tomorrow. It WAS you. Is it still you? Is it going to always BE you?
Rule #4: Choose a path and STICK TO IT
Not all of these are mutually exclusive. There's always overlap, and I know it, so shut up, quit arguing over semantics and listen.
Tonight you're going to go to bed.
Tomorrow really is the first day of the rest of your life.
Wake up, get out of bed, MAKE your bed (you don't, do you? I'll bet you don't), and start living on purpose.
Step 1: Leave the girl alone. She's a SEPARATE person from you, she broke up with you, and she doesn't need your $#!+. DO NOT block her on FB. STOP following her every move, because you need to LEAVE HER ALONE, you thick-headed doot-brain! You don't have to be a jerk about it, just LEAVE HER ALONE. For crying out loud, grow a pair. Women don't want a boy, they want a MAN, so start being one.
Step 2: Go get yourself a journal. I'll bet your day is generally disorganized because you're so focused on pleasing someone else, wanting someone else in your life, that you're probably not really handling al your stuff the way you're supposed to be. So each night sit down and plot out your day for the following day. Each morning, get up and check your day, start checking tasks off the list. Step 2 can be summarized as "organization and handling your $#!+."
Step 3: Leave the girl alone. Did you NOT pay attention? Stop side-tracking back into schmancy dreamland where she "suddenly realizes you were the one all along." If you're not man enough to handle blocking someone on FB whom you never should have been so weak you NEEDED to block her in the first place, you're NOT ready for a relationship. She's NOT going to suddenly realize crap, because you're NOT that guy. You might be later, once you're grown up. I hope so. But for now, you're not, so quit wasting valuable time.
Step 4: Quit rubber-necking. Stop watching women and hoping for a girlfriend. That's WEAK behavior. Keeping your head straight, focusing on what you're supposed to do, getting into the grocery and buying your stuff and getting out RATHER THAN seeing a pretty woman and pseudo-stalking her in the hopes she'll notice you. "I don't do that." If you don't, you will soon. So don't.
Rule # 5: Life is made of actions, and actions are made of DECISION, PRACTICE, and HABIT.
Every day you do things. Every day by doing things, you practice things. Every day you become, more and more, the things you do -- the bad as well as the good. The only way to stop becoming the bad things is conscientious practice, adherence to positive practice. Every action, every day. MAKE yourself aware of this.
Rule # 6: LOVE is not a feeling. LOVE is a decision and the commensurate actions which reflect that decision.
That goes for loving others, and for loving yourself. And what they say is true: you can't really love another until you learn to love yourself, not any more than you can truly love what you do not respect. You can feel passionate about, compassionate toward, care about somewhat, and be friendly toward things you don't respect, but you cannot truly love them.
So first, some encouragement, before I start verbally slapping you (after all, who the hell am I to be talking to you about anything in the first place?) upside the head.
It gets better. That, I promise you. Time really does heal all wounds except those WE insist on picking at, tearing up the scabs and lacerating our emotional skin until infection sets in and we're worse off than ever.
Think about that. Getting used to the idea is the scab. Allowing (or even making) yourself relive this is picking at the scab, and tearing yourself up wondering countless versions of what if or dreaming this will all work out -- that's emotional infection, obsession, and that way lies a kind of madness whereby you cripple yourself for a long time.
We become what we do, and HABIT is a difficult thing to break.
You are teaching yourself to obsess. You are teaching yourself to dwell on someone.
You are teaching yourself to give in to the same insecurities which drove her away in the first place. Did you ever see the movie Hitch? It's not a great movie, but there is one amazingly useful scene where the central character, upon finding out his woman has left him for another man, is standing outside a car, in the rain, shouting to her that he'll do whatever it takes to win her back, if she'll just TELL him what he did wrong, so he can fix it.
And the guy she left him for shouts "Dude, you're doing it NOW."
Listen, bub. I feel your pain, I've been there. Many of us have in one way or another. Knowing how much to love, and how to conduct oneself in the expression of that love, it's NOT EASY for some of us. One of the most difficult things to understand as a guy is WHY we're not allowed to be insecure, since women SAY they want a man who's willing to be vulnerable? After all, for us men, our insecurities ARE where we express our vulnerability.
It's hard. I get that, I really do. We have ideas about how we want to both give and receive the love in our lives. When we express these things in ways which the other party does not want, even though we're expressing love and desire we begin to drive them away. As they back off we push harder, thinking we'll SHOW them our sincerity, but they back off MORE. It's a vicious cycle, one which ends in our pain because for us, we kept trying, doing what we thought was right, and they're still gone. How could they leave us? We LOVED them!
But we didn't love them right.
Rule # 1: Back off from women for the moment, YOU'RE NOT READY.
Do you have any real idea who the hell you are? Don't roll your eyes, junior, I'm asking a serious question, one you need to weigh over the course of long, sleepless nights. This question needs to be a bug in your ear. It needs to cause you consternation UNTIL you start figuring the answer out.
Step 1: Ask yourself what you want to do with your life. What is your job going to be? How will that job serve YOU (not a family, not a woman, not a girlfriend, not other people -- YOU)? Will that job give you satisfaction in life? Will it provide security? Will it be a step on the road to making yourself happy?
Step 2: Once you've got some idea about Step 1, start making your decisions, your actions, your pursuits during your waking hours, all in service of that goal.
Step 3: Focus on yourself. Choose your areas and choose them seriously: health, finances, personal grooming, posture and how you conduct yourself in daily life, personal interaction with others, learning what the word CONFIDENCE actually means (hint, it means being aware of who you are and liking who you are, the outward manifestation of confidence just falls into place after that). Imagine the man you WANT TO BE and start taking steps to become that man. Don't worry about impressing others, or pleasing a woman. Become WHO you want to be.
Rule # 2: Learn what is meant by Love Languages
This one isn't about becoming a sappy, angst-driven hippie, or some New Age minstrel. It's another step in learning who you are, and in learning about other people.
Look up the Love Languages, it's actually pretty insightful. There's a lot there about not only how people express themselves, but about what YOU NEED in your love life.
You aren't limited to only one love language. I'm 4 out of the categorized 5 with regard to how I express, and 3 of the 5 with regard to what I personally need out of a partner.
Rule # 3: Deal with the ugliness of critical self-examination
Personal accountability is a MUST in the realm of Manhood. It's supposed to be for everyone who is an adult, but most people never really learn to deal with it. One of the differences between those we admire and those who are just other extras on the set is the personally accountable Stars, and the don't-really-matter-just-passing-through extras who don't need to answer for anything at all except getting too far into the screen shot.
Learn to answer to yourself for your actions. That bit up above regarding how you just can't block her on FB because it doesn't seem right? So you asked her to please block you?!?!?
I want you to personally tell me just how manly that probably looks to her. I want you to evaluate how WIMPY and CLINGY and here's the word -- WEAK that must have looked to her, and then tell me about WHY a woman, any woman, would want such a man in her life in the first place, let alone want him BACK after she'd already cut him out of her life?
She got to get rid of that guy, the one who was too weak and clingy, but he still has to go home and live with himself.
BE ashamed of that moment, pal. You should be. But even though it was your yesterday, it doesn't have to be your tomorrow. It WAS you. Is it still you? Is it going to always BE you?
Rule #4: Choose a path and STICK TO IT
Not all of these are mutually exclusive. There's always overlap, and I know it, so shut up, quit arguing over semantics and listen.
Tonight you're going to go to bed.
Tomorrow really is the first day of the rest of your life.
Wake up, get out of bed, MAKE your bed (you don't, do you? I'll bet you don't), and start living on purpose.
Step 1: Leave the girl alone. She's a SEPARATE person from you, she broke up with you, and she doesn't need your $#!+. DO NOT block her on FB. STOP following her every move, because you need to LEAVE HER ALONE, you thick-headed doot-brain! You don't have to be a jerk about it, just LEAVE HER ALONE. For crying out loud, grow a pair. Women don't want a boy, they want a MAN, so start being one.
Step 2: Go get yourself a journal. I'll bet your day is generally disorganized because you're so focused on pleasing someone else, wanting someone else in your life, that you're probably not really handling al your stuff the way you're supposed to be. So each night sit down and plot out your day for the following day. Each morning, get up and check your day, start checking tasks off the list. Step 2 can be summarized as "organization and handling your $#!+."
Step 3: Leave the girl alone. Did you NOT pay attention? Stop side-tracking back into schmancy dreamland where she "suddenly realizes you were the one all along." If you're not man enough to handle blocking someone on FB whom you never should have been so weak you NEEDED to block her in the first place, you're NOT ready for a relationship. She's NOT going to suddenly realize crap, because you're NOT that guy. You might be later, once you're grown up. I hope so. But for now, you're not, so quit wasting valuable time.
Step 4: Quit rubber-necking. Stop watching women and hoping for a girlfriend. That's WEAK behavior. Keeping your head straight, focusing on what you're supposed to do, getting into the grocery and buying your stuff and getting out RATHER THAN seeing a pretty woman and pseudo-stalking her in the hopes she'll notice you. "I don't do that." If you don't, you will soon. So don't.
Rule # 5: Life is made of actions, and actions are made of DECISION, PRACTICE, and HABIT.
Every day you do things. Every day by doing things, you practice things. Every day you become, more and more, the things you do -- the bad as well as the good. The only way to stop becoming the bad things is conscientious practice, adherence to positive practice. Every action, every day. MAKE yourself aware of this.
Rule # 6: LOVE is not a feeling. LOVE is a decision and the commensurate actions which reflect that decision.
That goes for loving others, and for loving yourself. And what they say is true: you can't really love another until you learn to love yourself, not any more than you can truly love what you do not respect. You can feel passionate about, compassionate toward, care about somewhat, and be friendly toward things you don't respect, but you cannot truly love them.
Given time, you'll figure this one out... or you won't. Most people don't.
Try not to be most people.
Great effin post. I agree with all of this.
Concentrate on yourself first, your goals, your mission, and women will flock to you. No woman will flock to a guy who's pressed on a girl and has nothing else going on in his life but to constantly blow up his girl to ask where she is every 5 mins and if something is wrong and what can he do to fix it.
There is nothing more annoying than a clingy guy. You start to feel smothered then start to wonder what the future looks like. Will he always be blowing up my phone every 15 minutes if I go do something without him. Maybe the clingy thing was cute at first but gets old and annoying pretty fast.
That's not love, that's possessiveness, controlling and just plain creepy.
There is nothing more annoying than a clingy guy. You start to feel smothered then start to wonder what the future looks like. Will he always be blowing up my phone every 15 minutes if I go do something without him. Maybe the clingy thing was cute at first but gets old and annoying pretty fast.
That's not love, that's possessiveness and controlling and creepy.
Exactly.
Clingy women can be the same and off-putting for us guys (ones who need to check in every 5 mins when you're on a trip, etc) so I can't imagine how much of a turn-off it is when guys do it to women.
The thing is i still love her a lot. I will be doing the no contact thing from now on. I've just thanked her for the good times, said i love her a lot and that i'm leaving the door open, she can call my anytime if she changes her mind. Do you think it was appropriate to say?
That was a very mature way to handle it. Yes I think you did the right thing. If you're having this many problems only 6 months into the relationship, chances are it would just be the beginning of a long dysfunctional relationship. Just because you're in love doesn't mean you're right for each other. Try to get on with your life and find a way to make yourself happy.
It sounds like you're young and if you're not in your 30's, you really shouldn't be thinking about a serious relationship. The reality is that the both of you probably don't even know what you want yet. The flip is that you can have fun with as many women as you'd like right now. See what works for you, but don't take any of it serious.
Just protect yourself so you don't have any kids, that's an expense you don't need.
It sounds like you're young and if you're not in your 30's, you really shouldn't be thinking about a serious relationship. The reality is that the both of you probably don't even know what you want yet. The flip is that you can have fun with as many women as you'd like right now. See what works for you, but don't take any of it serious.
Just protect yourself so you don't have any kids, that's an expense you don't need.
Oh man, I just cringe reading these posts. Reminds me of myself a long time ago. She is being unresponsive and annoyed and you just keep calling and asking what's wrong and it makes it worse. Buddy, lots to learn.
Oh man, I just cringe reading these posts. Reminds me of myself a long time ago. She is being unresponsive and annoyed and you just keep calling and asking what's wrong and it makes it worse. Buddy, lots to learn.
I'm cringing more at the responses acting like the girl was the one in the wrong.
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