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My childhood friend and I were friends since we were 11. We were really close. We spent holidays together, had sleep overs, deep talks and all the traits of a real close relationship. It was completely platonic.
When we were 21, we began a friends with benefits relationship (I was never happy with this title, I always wanted a relationship with him). Around this time he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was prescribed xanax. Prior to his diagnosis his parents had split up and it often seemed like he resented his father. He began to abuse the xanax, along with taking other drugs such as cocaine and MDMA. He's basically a functioning addict.
We had a rocky relationship, He'd tell me he loved me and that I was the most stability he's ever had but he never made the relationship official because he wanted the option to see other people, but I wanted to be with him. So finally one day I decided to give him an ultimatum. He asked if we could remain friends if we decided to end things. At first he agreed to be exclusive but I could tell he felt conflicted. So i gave him time to think about it. In the end he chose to break things off. During that conversation he told me that I never meant anything to him and that he never cared about me.
After that we didn't speak. A few months later I contacted him for closure. We spoke. He told me he that he kept his distance during our fwb relationship because he didn't want to fall in love with me. I asked him to stay friends, and in the end he didn't want to. He told me he had a girlfriend and moved in with her. It hurt because he always said he didn't want a relationship, but then entered one not too long after. It hurt more because he said he didn't care to salvage our 10 year friendship.
So I cut him out completely. Occasionally he would text me but I'd never reply. We've run into each other on the street a few times (we always ignored each other). However, he'd ask our mutual friend about me but always put on a front as if he did not care about what happened between us. This has been happening for two years now.
Fast forward to two months ago I pass him on the street and he calls me. I ask him who he is because I don't have his number. He said he saw me and I told him "cool, I have to go." Also around this time, him and his girlfriend had just broken up. He begins to ask my mutual friend about me more regularly since his breakup.
Which leads me to this past weekend. Our mutual friend had a house party and he avoided me the entire time. When he found out I was attending the party he told our mutual friend that he doesn't care that he's bringing the new girl he's talking to (who didn't end up showing up). He wouldn't even stand in the same room as me. He seemed quite bothered by my presence and wouldn't stop staring at me. Some times he would just look sad.
Finally when I left I was told he started popping molly and then proceed to ask if I left the party/where I was/where did I go.
Can someone explain to me what is going on. I honestly cannot comprehend situation.
my initial reaction is that you are a person to come back to when times are hard and to leave behind when things are lining up . Im just an opinion on the internet, however, he either needs help and keeps shooting himself in the foot, or he goes where the going is easy.
I dont care about him. You asked for help for you. For you I recommend:
"Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous, a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships."
http://coda.org/
So many levels to this. I'll try to address those which seem pertinent.
First off -- yes, there are signs of codependency here. DON'T let that put you off. What separates codependency from other mental and emotional positions is that codependency comes from conditioning more than anything else, and conditioning is a fancy way of saying habit.
Habits can be broken, and more than any other form of mental deviancy, codependents show a pretty high rate of success in recovery -- because they know something is wrong, and they want to fix it.
And because it's not a mental illness, it's a lifetime of bad habits which are developmental, and often affect our sense of where and how we fit into the world around us. Please remember that when people put the word codependent forward. It's neither insult nor life sentence. A great example is children who are, despite being children, placed in a position of caring for others in more mature situations than their own experience merits, such as children who end up caring very young for a dependent parent. While there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with a child helping out and caring for a parent, that child may develop the idea they are meant to be THE caretaker for all the ills of those around them. Their sense of self becomes dependent upon and validated by their ability to "fix others," to the point they neglect their own needs.
On the surface that's admirable; after all, who doesn't love the selfless saint? But as fragile people -- ALL of us -- everybody has only so much strength. We romanticize the idea of a person with limitless strength, but I promise you, a well with no source of input eventually runs dry. And because of this, the person denying their own needs weakens, becomes dependent upon others in slow but profound ways which undermine their own social development. They lose sight of boundaries, start to spend themselves for the sake of others, always giving, sometimes backlashing into periods of extreme selfishness because they've done without for so long, then lapsing into extreme guilt over their own selfishness (however brief, it's still agonizing and manifests as emotional self-abuse) before going full-tilt into giver mode once more.
That's one form of codependency. Just one.
So what are these habits you need to break?
Actually, you're doing pretty well, taking the right steps in removing yourself from this person. You were best friends growing up. And I'm sure you loved this person, in some way still do. The warning sign of codependency came when you allowed yourself to be used in a FWB situation.
Sex, especially at a young age, can be trickier than we realize. We're told it's just sex, it doesn't mean anything, but if you think about it the people who tell us it doesn't mean anything seem awfully determined to convince us to give it to them, i.e., let them have their way.
If sex really doesn't mean anything, then why the full court press for it?
And if they can insist it doesn't mean anything, then think about it -- does it mean anything that it's with YOU? Do YOU mean anything if your body doesn't?
FWB can be a good source of release, and can be fine when it's not only mutually agreed upon, but also shared at a fairly equitable level. However, in your case it wasn't. For you, it was an expression of a relationship you desired, exclusive and shared, that "our little world" healthy people crave. But it can also be demeaning. Think about this. In a FWB relationship YOU aren't worth having an exclusive relationship with, but your BODY is worth having JUST FOR NOW, and also not on an exclusive basis. Meaning... you are a hole, and you are replaceable by a better, more desirable model.
Who in the world WANTS to feel like that? Who WANTS to know they're not good or the best, they're just "good enough for now?"
For him, it was essentially mast-******** using someone else's body, NOT the mutually exclusive intimacy of two people joining.
You were giving in the hopes he would come around, see you for what you're worth, and that's unhealthy. If you have to prove to someone what you're worth, then you need to realize they don't see you for who you are in the first place. It's time to make tracks.
So there's that aspect of it. Watch out for it, respect yourself. If you learn to do that and draw boundaries, you'll be fine.
As for this guy...
He is an addict. Addictive personalities take many forms. People can be addicted to drugs, but they can also be addicted to certain actions, or to other people.
Addictive personalities don't take precautions where others are concerned. What concerns the addict is getting their fix, however they can, by whatever means necessary. Families of addicts find themselves in downward spirals because the addict can (by means of the fact the family loves them and wants to help) and will (through their own self-destructive actions) drag others down.
Addicts, despite their seeming lone wolf style (taking off on their own, doing their own thing, dropping others, dropping relationships at the drop of a hat), are extremely dependent. When they can't have the drugs, they depend on the stimulus of having others around them, talking, interacting, but underneath it all, providing. Providing stimulus.
Addicts cannot stand on their own, but they will fight desperately against help, because the only way out of addiction is self-accountability, and the addict is an expert at denial in all forms. They will refuse accountability with a tenacity which is mind-boggling, in order to continue vampirizing those around them.
He doesn't love you, and I'm sorry, never will. Never. You need to make sure you realize this, accept it, get it down into your gut.
He will always be BAD for you. The child is grown now, but never became an adult. This person is ill, and you are NOT the person to help them. Read that again -- you... are NOT... the one. He needs professional help, long-term.
What YOU need is to avoid him at all costs, lest you become entangled.
It will feel disloyal. You will be accused of disloyalty. The value of your past friendship WILL be called into question, and you will be made to feel like you are not true, not valuable, NOT worthy -- if you allow yourself to fall into that pit.
It's a pit of lies. Please believe me, it's a pit of lies, because the addict WILL lie to get what they want. They even believe the lies sometimes, which makes them all the more sincere-seeming, and so all the more painful for the families and friends, who end up questioning themselves, whether they're doing enough.
Remember that for this person you are not someone worthy of true friendship and the loyalty that goes with it. You are nothing more than a temporary fix for holes in HIS life as he encounters them and discovers a hunger, a need, to patch the holes with band-aids.
He has addiction issues, probably related in part, to his father issues. An addict will always put their addiction before anyone else. This is his problem, not yours. Only he can "fix" this problem by getting some serious help (therapy, AA). Until he does that, no person is going to be more important to him than his drug of choice. So he may have a new girlfriend here and there, but I doubt they will last. If one does, then she just happened to catch him when he was finally getting help.
Now, the issue with you. Sounds like you are still on the fence. I recommend that you cut him out of your life however doing this will make him want you more, but he really doesn't want you, his ego is hurt and he feels he can always depend on you to want him so his interest may be peeked.
Until he gets help and goes through the steps, you're just wasting your time trying to be friends with this person.
You need to take care of YOU and find someone who will put you FIRST and want to be with you so that you don't even question his motivations.
Don't waste your time on an addict because you will truly be wasting your time.
I know you care about him and probably want the best for him, but you need to take care of you.
Good luck.
He’s a mess and you’ve been doing the right thing. Molly loosens inhibitions and since he’d seen you, you were in his mind, nothing more.
Sorry you’re feeling conflicted. It’s normal to have tender feelings for an old friend. They’ll fade over time.
If you’ve lived in the same town for most of your life, maybe you should plan to find a good job in another city where there are new and interesting people to meet. Your situation will change for the better and you won’t have to see him on the street. Plus, you don’t want to be one of those people who remained stuck in the same old same old.
We had a rocky relationship, He'd tell me he loved me and that I was the most stability he's ever had but he never made the relationship official because he wanted the option to see other people,
After that we didn't speak. A few months later I contacted him for closure. We spoke. He told me he that he kept his distance during our fwb relationship because he didn't want to fall in love with me. I asked him to stay friends, and in the end he didn't want to. He told me he had a girlfriend and moved in with her. It hurt because he always said he didn't want a relationship, but then entered one not too long after. It hurt more because he said he didn't care to salvage our 10 year friendship.
.
He probably does love you, and you no doubt are the most stability he's ever had...but he has one "friend" that he just can't/won't let go...DRUGS.....sometimes there's no competing with that.
Maybe the girlfriend he moved in with was into drugs too...sharing an addiction is easier than being alone.
He probably does love you like he said, and he's keeping his distance because he doesn't want you involved in his addiction.....maybe he feels shame about that.
The friendship can always be there if you so desire....I'd knock off the benefits though if I were you.
He's basically a functioning addict.
...
He wouldn't even stand in the same room as me.
The guy doesn't want you, and he's a drug addict.
Move on with your life.
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