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I just wondered if anyone else has experienced or is going through a similar situation as myself, and if so, I would love to hear from you and know how you dealth with it. This is quite a lengthy situation, so please bare with me..........
I'll be 37 in a few days, im married and we have 2 daughters aged 16 and 10. The 16 year old is my wife's daughter from a previous relationship, and the 10 year old is our daughter together. Way back 14 years ago I lived in California and came back home to Scotland for a vacation. While in Scotland I met my wife and decided to stay on a bit longer as we were both smitten and in love. However, I made it very clear at the time that I wanted to return to the US as that is where my future was. She agreed that she would love to be part of it and come to America with me, so I was happy to hear this and commited to the relationship fully. She fell pregnant within 6 months, and although not planned, we were both very happy - esecially me that I was going to be a Daddy! Before our baby was born, I proposed and we got engaged. Live was great and we were happy planning for our future in the US, so my Dad started the paperwork for their visas as my Dad is American. I already had my own greencard and permanent residency status. It took years and thousands of £ and lots of time and money flying back and forth to the US and up and down to the US Embassy in London. In February 2014, I got the chance to try out for a job as a corrections officer in Maine, so I flew out to the US and sat the written exam and tok park in the rest of the testing process, then returned to Scotland to wait on the outcome. Within 4 weeks, i was offered the job and told to report back within 2 weeks to start my training. Eventually we had got the break we needed to start our lived in the US, so I came over to Maine myself, with the knowing that my wife would be going back down to London from Scotland in a couple of months to get her and the kids' visas. This would give me a few months salary to save for a place for us to stay etc before they came over to the US in July/August time. The day before I was due to start my training at the jail, the Sherrif called me to his office and advised me thay they had overbooked the class and that there were too many new officers on the course, so I had to wait until the fall for the next intake. So here i was stranded in Maine, with no job and nowhere to live. I didnt know what to do, but knew that I couldnt go home to have to leave my wife and kids for a second time - it was heartbreaking firsttie around, so I couldnt put them or me through that again. So that day I went to the store and got myself a job at Walmart. I started within a few days. Ads the weeks went on, I realised that working in Walmart is wasnt making anywhere near enough money that would allow me to bring my family to the US and provide everything they needed, so I transferred to a store in Las Vegas, Nevada. I knew that Maine wasnt for my wife and kids and they were city girls and living in Maine just wasnt there vision of living in America, having spent time previously in California and Nevada. So now I had transferred to Nevada, I was working in Walmart and working a second job, so that I could afford to bring my family. back in Scotland my wife kept telling me there were holdups with the paperwork etc and i was becoming more and more frustrated that everytime I thought I was getting them over to be with me, things hit another snag. This went on for months on end, and eventually I managed to land a great job with a Health company, however it would mean having to relocate again to Ohio. After thinking it over many times, I decided to accept the job and drive back east to Ohio. The job allowed me to proovide a nice house and give my wife and kids a nice life, and allowed for me to book the flights and bring them to America. So eventually in November 2015, I drove from Ohio to New York JFK to pick them up from the airport. I was so happy, after 18 months, we were all being reunited! I imagined a scene at the airport where I would be running to them and they would be running to me, and that was the case - except my wife wasnt. I knew then that something was wrong. I was hurt, I was absolutely devastated that my wife didnt seem to be as excited, happy, relieved to hold me as I was to hold her. I asked her about it and she said it was nothing and was just a very emotional experience, so I forgot about it, although it still destroyed me. Anyway, we drove back to Ohio that night. s the days and weeks went on, I noticed she just wasnt trying to embrace her new life, and she had a very negative attitide to everything! I couldnt understand why she was being this way, afterall she was back with her husband and I had worked to hard to provide a beautiful house with a swimming pool, within a gorgeous estate with several lakes and ponds etc. Anyway without boring you all too much with every detail, he attitude became worse and nothing I did was good enough for her. She never even tried to like life in America, so we started to argue more and more and I then started to think that maybe she was missing someone back in Scotland and that was why she was so sad, upset, angry and depressed! So i asked her and she denied it everytime, but something just didnt feel right. Im a very sensitive guy and im very intuitive. Anyway, another arguement happened and I felt like she was just waiting for a reason to leave me, so she told me that she was taking the kids back to Scotland and that she had booked the flights and so I had to drive them back to New York JFK airport. I couldnt believe that she was doing this to me, leaving me and having me drive her and our kids to New York, knwing that im putting them on a plane to the other side of the world. It was a horrible situation, but i drove them as i didnt want her taking the kids on buses and/or trains to New York. She lasted 3 months in the US. I then got another promotion and was send back west to Phoenix, Arizona. I paid a big deposit on a car that was costing me $30,000, I had a lovely house up on the mountain and I hoped that my wife would come back. She told me she would but needed time in Scotland. My heart was broken and I was a broken guy. I suffered a meltdown in work one afternoon, so that night i booked a flight and flew back home to Scotland a couple of days later, walked away from my job, lovely house and lovely car, so be back with my family. When I arrived back home, my wife told me that I couldnt move back into the house and told me that the marriage was over. I then shortly found out that while i was in America the year before, working 2 jobs in Maine and Nevada, to raise the money to bring her and the kids out, she was back home in Scotland seeing another guy! And he is the guy she left me in America for to come back home to. I suffered anxiety and depression for months after this but finally got myself together and was moving on - whatever that meant. 6 months later she sarted texting and phning me, so I ignored it all, Eventually I listened to her and agreed to speak with her. She told me how sorry she was etc and that she loved me and needed me. This went on for weeks and I eventually agreed to take her back. Then i find out that she was still in contact with her boyfriend, texting and phoning while I was out a work and pretty much everytime I wasnt in the house. We broke up about 6 times and each time she went back to him. Anyway, I tok her back again in February 2017 and we have been together since with no serious issues. However, America is tugging on my heart and I feel that I really want to come back there and work for my previously employer. I had a good life there, I was set for life infact and i had everything and could financially provide for my kids. So im bringing my wife and kids to America this coming summer for 4 weeks and we are going to spend that time in California, Nevada and Arizona. Im hoping that my wife loves it and wants to stay and also that the kids love it and tell their mum that they would love to stay. But if my wife doesnt want to compromise any and will not live in America, then im in the situation of do I stay in Scotland in the marriage with the woman who cheated and lied to me and made me give up all my life dreams and ambitions, and who is not prepared to give anything up for me in return OR do I walk away from the marriage andd come back to America myself?
Thanks for listening if you read till the end, I appreciate it!
then im in the situation of do I stay in Scotland in the marriage with the woman who cheated and lied to me and made me give up all my life dreams and ambitions, and who is not prepared to give anything up for me in return OR do I walk away from the marriage andd come back to America myself?
Thanks for listening if you read till the end, I appreciate it!
Johnny.
Bottom Line:
Whether you stay with your wife or not, stay in Scotland and be an involved father to your daughter.
Johnny, your wife isn't likely to suddenly want to live in America.
I would toss the fancy house etc and go back to wherever my child was, and live and work there and be present in their lives. It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage to sustain, but whether you stay in that relationship is up to you.
When your kids get out on their own, then you can pursue your dreams. But for now, I don't see how you would want to be away from your daughter for so long.
Offer both daughters the opportunity to come live with you.
Or offer them 50/50 custody. I know the eldest isn't your physical daughter, but it seems only right to treat her as such, and I hope you're close enough to her for this.
Forget your "wife," she's already moved on even if she's not sure about making her move. Women in general do not like to make a solid move until they're sure they have a place to land. Few ever "strike out on their own" for divorce, as men often do. You're just a tool until she's sure. That's why the back-and-forth.
You worked hard for what you've gained. Offer the daughters that chance to come with you.
If that doesn't work, head back to U.K. and be part of your daughter's life for the next few years, and see where life goes after that.
What I don't quite understand is, how could they be (seemingly) happily married for years, then, as he spends a year in the US to try to bring them over, suddenly she's with another guy. A guy she cares so much for, that she can't really tear herself away from him.
Are you sure the marriage had been a good one, up until you left Scotland, OP?
When your kids get out on their own, then you can pursue your dreams. But for now, I don't see how you would want to be away from your daughter for so long.
He's been a father to the other daughter as well for 14 years since she was 2. I don't get somebody taking my 10 and 16 year old away without a fight... and I'm just like 'bye'?
OP- who supported your children when your wife kept taking them away from you? How does she move to another country put down deposits on a place to rent or buy a house and get a job all in one day just because she moved, all this was waiting for her? Weren't you concerned where your girls would live? Were they homeless for a while?
What is the title of the job that you got after Walmart, where an estate is included with swimming pools and creeks and ponds or whatever... You were working two jobs in Maine and Nevada? You had the money to move to Las Vegas on a Walmart budget?
A lot of things in your story don't make any sense to me. I must be reading it all wrong.
What I don't quite understand is, how could they be (seemingly) happily married for years, then, as he spends a year in the US to try to bring them over, suddenly she's with another guy. A guy she cares so much for, that she can't really tear herself away from him.
Are you sure the marriage had been a good one, up until you left Scotland, OP?
Availability. Her husband is thousands of miles away, on a noble quest. Her 'ex' was handy, and chances were, at least in her mind, her husband would never find out.
Add to all this, a healthy dose of culture shock for her, and suddenly the ex in Scotland, a place she is comfortable in, looks better and better. She didn't consider that he was an ex for a reason.
@OP,
I wouldn't go back to Scotland, even though your daughters are there. They have 4 to 8 years before they are technically adults themselves. I can agree with Urban Sasquatch, to offer them the opportunity to come live with you if they want and to share custody, but I would be done with their fickle mother.
You would do well to be able to rebuild your life here in the US, after your experience with her. Its not like your 20, and you have to prepare for your old age. You have a better chance here than in Scotland of accomplishing that.
I also don't understand why he had to drive them from all the way from Ohio to JFK, as if they have no airports in Ohio.
But I realize that is probably not the most important detail here.
That stuck out to me, too, just because OP pointed out what a pain it was. (Well, duh! Why would you fly out of JFK when you live in Ohio? Plenty of connecting flights if not direct, and plenty of other major airports closer than JFK).
I will say this: 18 months is a long time to be away from your family. I would feel abandoned, basically, if my husband did what you did and didn't come back to visit several times. I imagine your wife got lonely, and possibly feared you all wouldn't eventually be reunited or that your quest was hopeless; after all, you were bouncing around a lot and didn't seem to have a clear vision of what your career or "future" would be in the U.S.
You need to decide for yourself which of these things and people are priorities for you. You can't - or shouldn't - IMO live your life for someone else. It will make you a resentful person. Do what you feel you need to do to create LONG TERM happiness in your life. While running back to the U.S. might seem like a dream from a material POV, how will you feel now and later on in life if it means you're separated from your girls and your relationship is permanently harmed as a result?
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