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Here's my question. Why can't she respect him? She doesn't have to date him, and I hope she stops, but for his sake as much or more than hers. Not because the OP is awful, but her feelings for the guy would surely be picked up on by him at some point.
And can't you respect someone who is a dumb as a bag of rocks?
And is a firefighter dating a well educated person who seems to have missed some life lessons really the equivalent of a brilliant executive dating a filthy young junkie? That seems unduly harsh and not remotely similar.
To the last bit there, you are correct. It was harsh and not similar, I was just trying to highlight the concept that two people who are from very different worlds may not necessarily be a good match. Especially if there is some kind of a natural power differential or if one sees themselves as superior or if one doesn't respect the other.
I know well educated and successful people who, outside the office, are more "country" than "cocktails" and who would be very happy to be with a good looking hero with a heart of gold, and who could definitely respect the guy, even if he was not as educated or fancily dressed.
I just think that the OP needs to examine her true feelings. Don't try to pull a person into a world where they aren't likely to be comfortable, or string them along in a relationship where they aren't respected.
You know, I had a feeling that someone would see the whole thing as a case of female shallowness sooner or later.
I don't think it's shallow to want someone who is truly compatible to you. Setting aside "good men" (like what, because he knows the basics of right from wrong and won't abuse you? Do women get credit for being "good" too? That stuff is a minimum threshold, and not that uncommon)... Suppose this man is a well built blue collar fella, with a bangin' body...but he's dumber than a bag of rocks. And she's just not wanting to really confront that fact, because he's nice, sweet, and good looking...
The important question is, can she respect him?
Because what man wants to be with a woman who can't respect him?
It would be like expecting a brilliant male executive or some other man of high standing, to stoop to dating some filthy young junkie he found in a bush downtown, because hey...she's "nice." And maybe good looking. Is that a recipe for a good relationship, though? Of course not!
Point taken...but if you truly find you can't respect somebody because he wears his work boots outside of work and isn't worried about a rip in the sleeve of his sweatshirt...that speaks volumes about your criteria for respect.
And, really, a firefighter/paramedic who dresses casually dating a nurse isn't exactly a comparable scenario with that of a "brilliant CEO" stooping to date a young junkie he found in a bush downtown.
I completely disagree. Expecting someone to look like they could be in a GQ magazine is one thing. Expecting someone to dress in clean clothing in good repair on a date is another matter entirely and completely reasonable. Would you wear tattered shoes to a wedding? To church? Most people would say no, because it doesn’t reflect respect for the dignity of the occasion. Why doesn’t she get the same respect? What if she wanted to get dinner at a nice restaurant? To me, it’s disrespectful whether intentional or not. He doesn’t have to be dressed to the nines, but clean clothes and shoes is neither a shallow nor unreasonable request. It’s not “changing” someone, it’s asking them to be minimally considerate and mindful. If that is such an extraordinary request, then he is not right for her.
You're right.. I wouldn't be right for her and she wouldn't be right for me. Accept me as I am or get out of my life. Very simple.
Here's my question. Why can't she respect him? She doesn't have to date him, and I hope she stops, but for his sake as much or more than hers. Not because the OP is awful, but her feelings for the guy would surely be picked up on by him at some point.
And can't you respect someone who is a dumb as a bag of rocks?
And is a firefighter dating a well educated person who seems to have missed some life lessons really the equivalent of a brilliant executive dating a filthy young junkie? That seems unduly harsh and not remotely similar.
(ETA) Agreed!What the hell does being a junkie and being filthy have to do with anything?
Can he respect her for being with him although she thinks he's lacking? He may not like her speaking of her superior education and better fashion sense, but just lets her be herself-- anyway.
A firefighter and nurse are not in 2 different worlds, it is the same world. Both are supposed to be caring and serving....
I recently went on a few dates with a guy. I like him as a person a lot, and I am physically attracted to him, but there is one problem.. I feel embarrassed when we walk next to each other because of how he dresses. He is a paramedic and a firefighter, and I get it that he's been used to casual outfits, probably because of his work, and because he doesn't live in a city. I am a nurse, and I like comfy clothes, too, but I have different styles for different occasions, and when we go out to eat, I like to wear something nice; even when it's a casual date, I still make sure my clothes and shoes are intact and clean.
He wears his work shoes everywhere! They are not even new and clean, but look rather worn, and with stains. The last time we went out he wore a hoodie with a small tear in it. When we walk next to each other, we just don't look like we match in any way. I doubt he does that on purpose; most likely how he dresses doesn't matter to him, and I am not sure he knows that, although superficial, this will become a deal breaker if it stays the same.
Is there a way to deal with this graciously, without hurting his feelings? Do I even have the right to comment on how he dresses, or should I just stop seeing him, and let him be his comfortable self?
If you are embarrassed by how he dresses, then you should probably break it off. Even if he buys a couple of nice outfits to please you, he's not going to be wearing them every time he is with you. Plus, once you've put it in his mind that you are unhappy with his appearance, even how nicely you put it, it will still be there.*
What if you were to be an established couple and seen together all the time? Running errands at Home Depot or Costco or whatever? You're going to be embarrassed then too.
*Years ago, when I was in my 20s, and stupid enough to listen to such things, I had a boyfriend who was an artist. He said he preferred "my look" when I wore only monochrome, dark colors like black and gray. He fancied himself as an artsy type who wanted to be seen with another artsy type. I listened to that bull**** for a bit and then ultimately broke up with him (not because of that -- but notice how it's one thing I STILL remember about him over 20 years later.)
Lots of pages in this thread - and I didn't read all of them, so sorry if this has already been brought up:
you mention that he is a paramedic and a firefighter. Is he liable to be called out at any moment for work? Some people have to be at the ready at all times. This means proper footwear, etc. for running into burning buildings and so forth.
You should ask him if he's on call, when you go on your next date.
You're right.. I wouldn't be right for her and she wouldn't be right for me. Accept me as I am or get out of my life. Very simple.
Like I said I don’t think it’s an extraordinary request for someone to dress appropriately. My impression is that she isn’t expecting him to completely change his clothes, but to make common sense decisions based on the occasion.
Your logic is a slippery slope. For example:
“I don’t want to spend the holiday with your family, and you are trying to change me by asking me to. Accept me as I am or get out.”
“I don’t like taking out the trash or doing laundry, and you are trying to change me by asking me to. Accept me as I am or get out.”
“I don’t like to try new restaurants, I prefer to stick to the ones I like. You are trying to change me by asking me to go to a new restaurant. Accept me as I am or get out.”
“I like to wear my old tattered shoes for any occasion, and you are trying to change me by asking me to wear shoes in better condition. Accept me as I am or get out.”
There’s a difference between changing who you are and making compromises. Relationships, in my experience, normally involve a fairly large number of compromises. It’s not just about you, it’s about the other person and what makes THEM happy. If you have managed to never have to compromise, then thank your lucky stars, because the people you’ve been with must have been total saints.
Like I said I don’t think it’s an extraordinary request for someone to dress appropriately
Perhaps the extraordinary request is her asking him to change his definition of "appropriately" to be the same as hers.
There's little doubt that he feels that he is dressing appropriately.
Quote:
My impression is that she isn’t expecting him to completely change his clothes, but to make common sense decisions based on the occasion.
Your logic is a slippery slope. For example:
You realize the a slippery slope is a logical fallacy, right?
And that you are the one committing said fallacy?
Quote:
There’s a difference between changing who you are and making compromises. Relationships, in my experience, normally involve a fairly large number of compromises. It’s not just about you, it’s about the other person and what makes THEM happy.
Hence, my reply to the OP
Quote:
Originally Posted by CBeisbol
YOU could try changing.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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