Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Is he well groomed other than the clothing? Nice haircut, neat facial hair if he has any, etc? He might simply have other priorities and not spend much on clothing, not noticing that what he has is a little rough or shabby looking. A lot of guys really don't think that much about it, but they are often willing to dress it up a bit if asked or given some help.
If he's willing, take him shopping with you to buy something for yourself and wander by the men's department on your way through a department store. Make a few comments about the men's styles and see if you can start a conversation to gauge his interest in nicer clothes.
Is he well groomed other than the clothing? Nice haircut, neat facial hair if he has any, etc? He might simply have other priorities and not spend much on clothing, not noticing that what he has is a little rough or shabby looking. A lot of guys really don't think that much about it, but they are often willing to dress it up a bit if asked or given some help. If he's willing, take him shopping with you to buy something for yourself and wander by the men's department on your way through a department store. Make a few comments about the men's styles and see if you can start a conversation to gauge his interest in nicer clothes.
Or just do like the women in my life did. Just take him to get some better clothes. Make it a date!
Do not go collar and tie - that would be a deal breaker! Just new Tee shirts and so on and a pair of comfy casual shoes.
I recently went on a few dates with a guy. I like him as a person a lot, and I am physically attracted to him, but there is one problem.. I feel embarrassed when we walk next to each other because of how he dresses. He is a paramedic and a firefighter, and I get it that he's been used to casual outfits, probably because of his work, and because he doesn't live in a city. I am a nurse, and I like comfy clothes, too, but I have different styles for different occasions, and when we go out to eat, I like to wear something nice; even when it's a casual date, I still make sure my clothes and shoes are intact and clean.
He wears his work shoes everywhere! They are not even new and clean, but look rather worn, and with stains. The last time we went out he wore a hoodie with a small tear in it. When we walk next to each other, we just don't look like we match in any way. I doubt he does that on purpose; most likely how he dresses doesn't matter to him, and I am not sure he knows that, although superficial, this will become a deal breaker if it stays the same.
Is there a way to deal with this graciously, without hurting his feelings? Do I even have the right to comment on how he dresses, or should I just stop seeing him, and let him be his comfortable self?
No, it's a tactless thing to do. This is the time when you're getting to know each other and deciding if you're compatible or not.
Most likely, this is how he normally dresses during his down time. Since this is a deal-breaker for you, rather than trying to change him, just move on and find someone who is more suited to your preferred style.
If i liked the woman enough i would just accept it and see where the relationship takes us. As a comfort level improves maybe take her shopping together or perhaps make a special occassion... a lot women i have dated are pretty sensitive of their appearance..
I think with guys you can be a little more straight forward... i certainly wouldnt mind much.
Underneath it all, you really cannot change people.... but certainly people in relationships will make accomodations for each other
Unless it is hygene related it would not be a red flag for me.
I am of the school that I have to like the person for who he is and trying to change people rarely works.
He's a firefighter. He doesn't have dress up clothing because he doesn't need it for work.
Eh. Not really an excuse. Many/most people maintain separate wardrobes for work and personal lives. Not needing dressy attire for work isn't a reason to never dress up.
I think it's probably more likely that he doesn't choose to dress up, because it isn't a priority to him to do so. And that's his choice.
I agree that changing people isn't a great approach. They are who they are, and choose their own behavior.
I don't know any way to address this with someone you just started seeing. He is an adult; surely he is aware that his shoes are stained and his clothing is torn. I don't see this merely as an issue of comfort. He takes no pride in his appearance, and that's not something you can change at this juncture.
I wouldn't broach this issue until I were in a serious relationship with the person. It doesn't sound as though you two are likely to get to that point.
I do agree that you can't change someone, but have found that some guys just don't like shopping or aren't comfortable choosing dressier wear. He may have been embarrassed noticing you were dressed one way, and he another. That was one of my early points with DH, we have to look like we are going to the same location....
When ever I was dating someone new, I would tell him what I was wearing to at least give him an idea of how to dress. If he balked for whatever reason I would change accordingly. Once DH showed up all in tan, and I was wearing a dress in the same color (with leather straps), and we looked like some weird boring monochrome couple (heck our skin color blended), so I went and changed.
It is usually easier for the woman to change their clothes to match the guy, at least in my world, we have more clothes.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Buy him new shoes and a new hoodie. Something that will look good on him. At least he won't wear his bum wear anymore.
You're welcome
This is a good compromise.
OP, I'm curious; why would you continue dressing up for dates, knowing he's going to dress super-casual? That seems odd. You did say that even when you dress casually, you at least make sure your clothes are clean. It sounds like you're exaggerating the contrast between you and him. If you're both wearing a t-shirt and jeans, I don't think most people would notice such a glaring contrast between the two of you that you should feel embarrassed.
But look at the bigger picture, here. How well do you know this guy, at this point? Do you know if he has long-term goals that he's working toward? Career ambitions? Is his vision of his future compatible with your general aim for yourself? Does he have a vision? Or is he content to just get by, and to just slob around? At some point, you should figure out if he has LTR potential (if that's what you want from a relationship), and if he doesn't, the issue about his clothing choices will be moot. If you're not in this for an LTR, then what does it matter, how he chooses to dress?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-13-2017 at 08:53 AM..
I know this sort of thing happens. I think most men typically aren't offended when a woman they're seeing offers some fashion tips. I'm a little troubled by your use of the word embarrassing, though. That just jumped out at me. If that word really applies to someone you're thinking of getting romantically involved with, think a little longer. For your sake and for his. I don't mean to imply that you should or shouldn't feel that way, but it seems like a tough place to start a relationship.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Just new Tee shirts and so on and a pair of comfy casual shoes.
