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I recently went on a few dates with a guy. I like him as a person a lot, and I am physically attracted to him, but there is one problem.. I feel embarrassed when we walk next to each other because of how he dresses. He is a paramedic and a firefighter, and I get it that he's been used to casual outfits, probably because of his work, and because he doesn't live in a city. I am a nurse, and I like comfy clothes, too, but I have different styles for different occasions, and when we go out to eat, I like to wear something nice; even when it's a casual date, I still make sure my clothes and shoes are intact and clean.
He wears his work shoes everywhere! They are not even new and clean, but look rather worn, and with stains. The last time we went out he wore a hoodie with a small tear in it. When we walk next to each other, we just don't look like we match in any way. I doubt he does that on purpose; most likely how he dresses doesn't matter to him, and I am not sure he knows that, although superficial, this will become a deal breaker if it stays the same.
Is there a way to deal with this graciously, without hurting his feelings? Do I even have the right to comment on how he dresses, or should I just stop seeing him, and let him be his comfortable self?
When you plan to go out again, casually say, "let's dress up." If he shows up looking as usual, you will know that he probably won't change the way he dresses. If that's a deal breaker for you, you will have to make some decisions.
I don't know any way to address this with someone you just started seeing. He is an adult; surely he is aware that his shoes are stained and his clothing is torn. I don't see this merely as an issue of comfort. He takes no pride in his appearance, and that's not something you can change at this juncture.
I wouldn't broach this issue until I were in a serious relationship with the person. It doesn't sound as though you two are likely to get to that point.
A lot of girlfriends dress their guys. As the relationship progresses, you can offer to take him shopping and pick out some stuff (he pays) and then compliment him on how great he looks.
My sister did that, my son's first girlfriend did that . . .
It doesn't sound like he's a slob, just kind of inattentive to his clothes.
How about not trying to change him and let him be as he likes. Will take you both much further in life. If you care about his shoes and not about him then something is wrong.
How about not trying to change him and let him be as he likes. Will take you both much further in life. If you care about his shoes and not about him then something is wrong.
Thanks for your suggestion, but I think your comment comes from an idealistic perspective. Sure, we need to care about the person, first. But saying that you absolutely don't care about what someone looks like, or how they look next to you is lying to yourself. I don't think you'd like your SO to show up in dirty, torn clothes, regardless of how great of a person they are. Nothing wrong for someone to aspire to be the best they can, in all the aspects they can control.
So the reality is yes, I acknowledge the great things about this guy, but yes, I also acknowledge his carelessness with his choice of clothes and shoes.
My ex had poor table manners and did not know how to dress even though I am the opposite, any suggestions on my part and he would get offended, so in reality there is not much you can do about it.
Your date is a grown man and doesn't care how he looks, makes me wonder if he is lazy in other areas of his life. Wanting to look and smell good for yourself to me shows a healthy self esteem.
Is there a way to deal with this graciously, without hurting his feelings? Do I even have the right to comment on how he dresses, or should I just stop seeing him, and let him be his comfortable self?
Really? You meet a great guy but are willing to let him go over how he dresses? Really?
This sounds like it could have been an old Seinfeld episode. Everyone always had superficial reasons for why they couldn't see someone anymore. Of course, that was comedic fiction, and not a premise based in reality.
Considering his job, and being in an on-call state most of the time, I would maybe try accepting how he dresses and seeing if I cant find more than just what is apparent to the eye to be proud of when accompanying this man.
I was expecting something like, "He wears the strangest colors. I feel like I am walking with an Easter egg whenever we go out."
You can ask for something special every once in a while, but unless he makes an abrupt change in careers, I don't see it being a practical idea for all the time.
If his style of dress is more important than the man himself, okay, I guess you will end up needing to let him go. I hope you find someone who dresses more to your liking.
When you plan to go out again, casually say, "let's dress up." If he shows up looking as usual, you will know that he probably won't change the way he dresses. If that's a deal breaker for you, you will have to make some decisions.
I agree with this approach. Sweetly suggest that the two of you try dressing for a special occasion from time to time. See what he says. If he’s unsure because he doesn’t think he’ll be comfortable, help him pick out something along the line of an upscale cotton plaid or chambray shirt, dress cords or khakis, argyle socks, soft leather loafers, and a nice old tweed jacket from a good thrift store or consignment shop. Think English country gentleman.
Shoes are key. He might feel he needs to be able to rush to an emergency at a moment’s notice. Be sure they’re a good quality and classic style with no laces to fool with.
Really? You meet a great guy but are willing to let him go over how he dresses? Really?
This sounds like it could have been an old Seinfeld episode. Everyone always had superficial reasons for why they couldn't see someone anymore. Of course, that was comedic fiction, and not a premise based in reality.
Considering his job, and being in an on-call state most of the time, I would maybe try accepting how he dresses and seeing if I cant find more than just what is apparent to the eye to be proud of when accompanying this man.
I was expecting something like, "He wears the strangest colors. I feel like I am walking with an Easter egg whenever we go out."
You can ask for something special every once in a while, but unless he makes an abrupt change in careers, I don't see it being a practical idea for all the time.
If his style of dress is more important than the man himself, okay, I guess you will end up needing to let him go. I hope you find someone who dresses more to your liking.
Objurgation - you're doing it here. Did this make you feel better? I can't imagine someone taking this approach IRL.
OP - I'll piggyback on blondiel and ellie, try to see if he will get dressed up for a specific occasion. He is most likely caught up with work too much to notice his attire isn't appropriate for every situation.
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