Ladies, is there a "proper" place to be approached by a man? (sociopaths, girlfriends)
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Alright Ruth if you insist. We can go about like that, but after saying something, shouldn't it then be clear whether or not they're interested in talking?
Take for instance a girl at the grocery store. Let's say I grab a bag of Starbucks and a bag of Duncan and ask which she prefers. If she says she doesn't drink coffee with an engaging smile, I'd be more inclined to keep talking. If she says Starbucks with a blank expression and goes back to her business. Isn't that a clear sign she ain't interested, no?
OK, yes. You know, when you ask one of these questions, you need to specify the type of situation you have in mind, because on this forum, we get discussions about so many aspects of dating, of approaching, etc. Are we talking about chatting up randoms? Are we talking about "signals" from across a crowded room, or "signals" in response to your approach? Are we talking "signals" in the class or hobby activity you're participating in together? "Signals" as strangers? As casual acquaintances?
So, when I saw your earlier post, I thought you were one of the guys who expects women who are complete strangers to you, in a store or at a party, or whatever, to give you "signals". We've had guys who say they will. not. approach. women. unless they get "signals", period.
Sorry if we were talking apple and orange situations. You never know, here on C-D.
Actually most online dating interactions go nowhere. Even though girls swipe right. They just do it to flirt and have no intention to meet.
Not the entire case in my experience. Most conversations end up going someplace. Some don't, of course, but that hasn't been the norm so to speak (for me at least).
Actually most online dating interactions go nowhere. Even though girls swipe right. They just do it to flirt and have no intention to meet.
The same can be said for interactions in-person. But it's not like people aren't meeting online these days. It's not a rare thing. Many interactions do lead to dates and so on. One third of recent marriages are the result of meeting on a dating site. What's the success rate of meeting at a bar or club?
I have an aunt and uncle who met at a club back in 1990 or something. That's about the only couple I know who met like that.
My mom met her first husband (the guy she met after my dad, who is the father of my siblings), at a club on her 21st birthday. So I guess that was in 1985. I know of quite a few relationships that started this way. Never my own, as I’m not into the bar scene (outside of live music) and never have been. I know of quite a few couples who met this way, though. Not saying they resulted in marriages or that they’re all still together, but it certainly happens.
I have an aunt and uncle who met at a club back in 1990 or something. That's about the only couple I know who met like that.
I've met some past dates in bars. Even made a platonic male friend that way. Known him 8 years now. Some of my friends parents met that way. My best friends dad met his new girlfriend that way too. Its more common than you think.
I'm considerably more in control of my feelings now than I were in my prime dating years, but I will always retain a fondness for those young women who had the social graces to let me know that while there was no attraction, it wasn't a value judgment of me as a person. (Which it totally isn't. Attraction happens or not.) As compared to the (luckily few) who seemed to relish in letting me and the world know that they would never be that desperate.
I had a conversation quite some time ago with my boyfriend, that I recall, where I explained to him that there are many men in my life that I like just fine, or even find downright delightful...but for whatever reasons, I would not date or be sexual with. And it is tricky, when they take an interest, how to deal with that without being hurtful. I'm not a mean person, I don't want to make another human being feel bad, especially when he's a treasured friend. So I do try to find ways to express to them that I see a lot of value in them, even if I'm not willing to partner with them for love, dating, or sex. I actually told a male friend at one point, "Look man, I love you, you're great. But I love most of my friends, and there are like hundreds of you. Even if I were so inclined, I just don't have time to have sex with all of you guys." Said with the right level of warmth and positivity, it got him laughing and he said, "OK, that's fair."
Now granted, this man was not a lonely man, struggling with his own self worth. He was a hot-shot poly fellow in my community with a wife and a beautiful girlfriend, who just also happens to like me. So he wasn't perhaps as vulnerable as some. But you get the idea.
Thing is, if it's challenging enough for me that I've put thought into it...and I am a hyper-social extrovert with bigtime people skills...how very much harder is this for women who are more shy, awkward, introverted or socially anxious?
Unfortunately I think that men sometimes don't have the greatest skills in empathy to understand that women are people, too, and many, even attractive ones, can be having a hard time dealing with other humans just like they might be. And most "hot" women, don't believe that they are "hot." A lot of our confidence is a front for terrible vulnerabilities and anxiety just like a lot of guys. We are all just human and flawed and most of us just trying our best, here. Some people are jerks. But I don't think that most are.
So on another note, about what I said earlier, the whole making women feel cornered.
A couple of posters went on to talk about "creep" men, and even the Hollywood trope of the aggressive guy who gets the girl (think Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones, or even Han Solo. She hates him at first, he persists, wins over her "token" resistance which was never to be taken seriously, oh what a rogue.) But when I posted that, I also meant that there are plenty of regular men who could be a little more aware of their conversational presence. It can simply be a matter of not crowding someone, or if they move away, let them, or try to notice of she appears at ease or uncomfortable, engaged, or trying to disengage. I've known people who would not read cues that you really need/want to step away, and just try to keep talking and they make the "OK, I'm walking away from you now" moment incredibly awkward. The thing for that person to do in that situation, when your target or audience is trying to turn or step away from you, is to smile, let them go, and shift your attention to somewhere else.
My mom met her first husband (the guy she met after my dad, who is the father of my siblings), at a club on her 21st birthday. So I guess that was in 1985. I know of quite a few relationships that started this way. Never my own, as I’m not into the bar scene (outside of live music) and never have been. I know of quite a few couples who met this way, though. Not saying they resulted in marriages or that they’re all still together, but it certainly happens.
Yes, that happens here quite often: single girl "packs" going to clubs, parties, bars, etc. looking for someone (but not just anyone) to pick them up. In some cases, they make the first advance. It's considered normal dating behavior.
Thing is, if it's challenging enough for me that I've put thought into it...and I am a hyper-social extrovert with bigtime people skills...how very much harder is this for women who are more shy, awkward, introverted or socially anxious?
A good point. What could look (and at the time felt) like callousness could simply be a lack of skill to defuse the situation amicably. Hmm. Ponder this I must.
Quote:
Unfortunately I think that men sometimes don't have the greatest skills in empathy to understand that women are people, too, and many, even attractive ones, can be having a hard time dealing with other humans just like they might be.
You got that right. Empathy is where it's coming from, isn't it?
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