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Hey OP, I feel your pain. There are ways to improve your situation. I am an average guy. When I was single, I never had a problem getting girlfriends. Why? I have always been an excellent communicator. I really listened, and that opened more doors then you could imagine. Here is my advice.
First, what do you like to do? Hobbies are important. My wife and I both LOVE music.
Second, you can flip your housing issue. You need to PURCHASE a home. YOU won't live with your parents, they live with YOU. There is a huge difference between the two.
Third, what do you drive? Your choice of car makes a huge statement. Lets play a game. I will list a vehicle, you tell me what type of dude you imagine drives that vehicle.
Crotchrocket motorcycle.
Harley Davidson.
Toyota Prius.
Ford F-250 diesel with a lift kit.
Late model European sports car.
Late model American sports car.
Older Japanese economy car with wheels, slammed to the ground, high end radio.
Fourth, your friends create the image of who you are. I don't care how cool you are, if you hang out with an anime fan club, well birds of a feather.
I agree with everything except for the car part. Some women will look at a nice car for 2.8 seconds and then won't care. Many guys (especially in the city) don't even have a car, but I must say I doubt most women care what kinda car a man drives as long as it's clean and well kept.
Confidence is one of many factors that one may consider when determining another person's attractiveness.
I have certainly known people who were attracted to a person who happened to be overweight but who weren't specifically attracted to overweight people.
That perhaps may happen over the extended period of time, as people get to know each other naturally.
Initially, looks are everything. The amount of answers people get in online dating is mostly based on whether people like someone or not. It really is a very simple thing.
My husband is, as you state, reserved and introverted, also mild-mannered, warm, and genuinely kind (not "I'm not an alpha male/bad boy...but secretly an entitled, arrogant douchebag" 'nice'.) He has a commanding presence and confidence, has the "tall, dark and handsome" physical traits, but isn't suave, charismatic or outgoing, which he's learned to fully embrace. If he had a different personality and character he might have had a different dating experience entirely, but then he also wouldn't be the person he is, and he thoroughly likes the person he is, as he should.
I laughed at the bolded - very well put!
My husband is similar to yours (except he's tall blonde and handsome lol). For me, I find a quieter, deeper guy much more confident and attractive than the loud outgoing sales-dude type. Which served me well during my dating years, since the same sort of guys liked/disliked me, too.
That's what I find odd about dating threads on this forum. Lots of men post that they want "women" to like them. They want to "get with" women. As if the female half of the population isn't the same level of humanity as they are, and all think alike in their rejection of them. Who actually cares what 99.99999% of women think of you as far as dating goes, if you find the right one? How many do you need?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Legion777
For example, 'male feminists' think that it may somehow increase their chances of getting laid. Although females will agree with you, deep down they wont respect you.
Same goes with guys who try too hard to be politically correct.
I'm a mans man & can be as blunt as a brick wall. Political correctness is for ideologists & wimps who are too scared to say what they really think.
There was more than one occasion when I'd outrage girls with my then neanderthal black/white way of thinking but by the end of the night they'd show that they were interested. Go figure huh?
Girls often say they'd love to be with a 'sensitive guy'. What they MEAN is, that they want a guy who's sensitive towards them but not a wimp. Any girl who's worth having wants a man, not an emasculated, politically correct, 'feminist' who agrees with their every word.
And this post illustrates my point very well! It's a load of horse puck, mind you. My very masculine husband was a commercial fisherman working in Alaska when we met - jobs hardly get more macho! He's always been on board with women being real human beings that deserve equal treatment. He's not a jerk who insults people on purpose because he's 'not being PC'. Being a quiet, confident gentlemen beats a loud, abrasive braggart, which screams insecurity, btw, every single day.
My now grown daughter realized something when she was 13 in high school - that the "popular" dating kids were the biggest jerks to people around them. It's works in young adolescent dating, and adolescent minded adults. And some never move beyond it.
That's the typical line a woman gives because she wants to avoid conflict. It sucks for us. For a woman though, they deal with more bs from rejected guys than you know.
Now if this is a regular thing for you, then you really have to start asking some questions about yourself, and why do you keep getting this response from women. Because it is something you are doing that is making these women not have an attraction enough to take things further.
Some people go by their hearts more some people look at relationships more from a practical or business standpoint.
Doesn't make either one right or wrong people are just wired differently.A lot of us get that warm fuzzy feeling around somebody that we can't explain even if they don't check every single imaginary box we have in our head that we want.
As far as the looks thing I bring it up because sometimes people over analyze a situation and beat themselves up over it and think what they should have done differently when most of the time you were friend zoned simply because you're not good looking enough.
Like I said my good looking friend never gets friend zoned. and don't tell me it's because he's conveniently "compatible" on every level with all these women.
This has been my experience my good looking friend never had to here the you will find a women that appreciates you. Which usually means a women who has no more options who resents you because she had to settle.
My husband is similar to yours (except he's tall blonde and handsome lol). For me, I find a quieter, deeper guy much more confident and attractive than the loud outgoing sales-dude type. Which served me well during my dating years, since the same sort of guys liked/disliked me, too.
That's what I find odd about dating threads on this forum. Lots of men post that they want "women" to like them. They want to "get with" women. As if the female half of the population isn't the same level of humanity as they are, and all think alike in their rejection of them. Who actually cares what 99.99999% of women think of you as far as dating goes, if you find the right one? How many do you need?
And this post illustrates my point very well! It's a load of horse puck, mind you. My very masculine husband was a commercial fisherman working in Alaska when we met - jobs hardly get more macho! He's always been on board with women being real human beings that deserve equal treatment. He's not a jerk who insults people on purpose because he's 'not being PC'. Being a quiet, confident gentlemen beats a loud, abrasive braggart, which screams insecurity, btw, every single day.
My now grown daughter realized something when she was 13 in high school - that the "popular" dating kids were the biggest jerks to people around them. It's works in young adolescent dating, and adolescent minded adults. And some never move beyond it.
Regarding being liked by women, I think men are looking for some sort of something that typically sparks some initial interest. Not the deeper aspects of a person, which I agree invariably seal the deal. This isn't intended as some sort of a gotcha, but don't you think being tall and handsome and working in a traditionally masculine job helped you want to get to know your future husband? Had he been a short, plain school teacher with all of the other fine attributes your husband possesses, there's at least a decent chance you wouldn't have gotten to know him. That's not your problem, but it is the challenge the teacher faces.
I think some of the men who are interested in women may see them as alien like you describe, but some don't. They know that they may have to generate that initial interest repeatedly, what with the difficulty anyone has with finding someone truly compatible. If you're struggling to find that initial spark reciprocated even once, the thought of doing that multiple times is pretty daunting, and not a real confidence booster.
You could be the most passionate, confident guy in the world... if you're 300lbs, no amount of confidence or passion will make you attractive (unless you like overweight men)...
See my point?
Confidence doesn't make people attractive.
Yes I see your point.
What jgraham11 wrote touches on what I was alluding to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jgraham11
I'm a reserved and polite guy too, so when I try to break out of my shell and act more outgoing it doesn't always seem genuine I think. I have a lot going for me in terms of physical traits though, 6'4, 200lbs, basically no body fat, but the shy aspect of my personality basically nulls everything I just listed
So what I'm saying is having confidence or being an extrovert does serve a person well in my opinion. If I was more extroverted and outgoing I'd probably have a wife by now haha. Instead I'm getting denied by women once they get to know me a little better. Attraction only gets you so far
That's the typical line a woman gives because she wants to avoid conflict. It sucks for us. For a woman though, they deal with more bs from rejected guys than you know.
Now if this is a regular thing for you, then you really have to start asking some questions about yourself, and why do you keep getting this response from women. Because it is something you are doing that is making these women not have an attraction enough to take things further.
BS from rejected guys: The most typical thing I've dealt with isn't hardcore BS, it's more like...they want to know why I'm saying no, so that they can argue with me about it, change my mind, or otherwise try to negotiate the "no" into a "yes." Some guys will only accept "I have a boyfriend/husband" as a no. Which gives women the impression that men don't respect OUR persons, choices or rights, but only another man, even if it's a man he will never meet, or one that doesn't even exist! That's a bit frustrating. Also frustrating? Those who won't even respect that, but go on to try and negotiate it like "He'll never know" or "So?" or worse still, thinking if he challenges and beats up my man he can take me like a prize.
That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.
But mostly, I don't say such things about how nice a guy is because I'm trying to dodge BS. I'm doing it because I don't like feeling like a jerk. I take zero joy in hurting another person's feelings. And just because I won't or can't date a man, doesn't mean I think he's scum.
Difference is, in the first scenario of the BS-dealer, I have been around the block enough times not to flatter this guy telling him he's nice or anything else. I'm gonna disengage and pop smoke and be gone in a few seconds. I don't like feeling disrespected and not taking my no for an answer, is disrespectful. Unless it's online, like on OKC, in which case I might mess with him. Demand he go on a magical quest to get his junk tattooed, or write me a series of haikus about kinky sex acts, I dunno. I only did such nonsense with the ones who didn't accept a polite no thanks, though.
The guy I'm not trying to be a jerk to? He's probably a friend, and I will likely try diplomatically to explain to him why it is that I have to turn him down, and how it's way more about what's going on with me, not about him. If I consider him a friend, then obviously I see good things in him. I might try to network him up with women I know who would be a better match, if possible.
The friendzone was never an issue for me cause I do have some success with women. But my main issue was meeting women who are rude and b**chy. Some men will overlook a woman's bad attitude if she's hot and wants to keep having sex with her. I was never that type of man and would stop seeing a woman if she gave me a rough time. I recently dumped a woman because of this but she displayed sociopathic traits to her personality. After that I took a break from dating completely. Life is too short for people who aren't interested in you and are hostile towards you.
The friendzone was never an issue for me cause I do have some success with women. But my main issue was meeting women who are rude and b**chy. Some men will overlook a woman's bad attitude if she's hot and wants to keep having sex with her. I was never that type of man and would stop seeing a woman if she gave me a rough time. I recently dumped a woman because of this but she displayed sociopathic traits to her personality. After that I took a break from dating completely. Life is too short for people who aren't interested in you and are hostile towards you.
Thirsty guys and white knights ruin it for the rest of us. Because they put up with bs that condition women to think every guy should put up with it and it's ok for them to be like that. Every guy should do what you did really.
I always said I like girls that were nice their whole life not ones that just decided to flip a switch at 35 because they feel like they're hitting the wall or something.
Last edited by wanderlust76; 12-08-2017 at 12:43 PM..
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