“You are a really nice guy, but I only see you as a friend – you will find a great woman someday”… (attracted, hubby)

[Stockyman]

Originally Posted by PK12

Thank you all for the feedback. Some more info, to help put things in better perspective.

Sorry if you don't mind me asking you a few more questions.

1) Have you had previous relationships before?
2) How old are you?
3) What do you do for a living? Career or job?
4) What is your living situation?
5) Do you go to social functions? Do you have an opportunity to meet a lot of people?
6) How do you dress? Up to date? Trendy?

I've noticed that some of the continual single guys share the same traits. Not saying that it's a bad thing but they are generally the same to me.

[303Guy]

Originally Posted by PK12

....this has been the story of my life This, or minus the "only see you as a friend" aspect to it.. replaced by something else trivial.

And as I mentioned in another thread, I haven't given up but probably half-way there. I haven't even been looking actively, lately. The whole situation gets exhausting.


Any advice?

When I am interested in a woman I feel a stirring. I think and feel something along the lines of "I want to make love to you. I want you in my arms".

My very last date was a case of "I'm going to make you mine - you are going to love me". And that before we even met at the restaurant. When she arrived, I moved in for the kill. I had the whole date planned and I pulled it off like clockwork. Even to the kiss at her car. One week later was dinner at my place ......

It's about mindset.

Ok so I've had a bit of practice.

What does not work is being Mr nice guy.

[Sonic_Spork]

They say you're such a nice guy because they think that is true, don't want to hurt your feelings, but your being nice and likable does not mean that they find you attractive. Rather than saying that they find you unattractive, since they think that would be cruel, they say "You are so nice, I just know you're going to find a great woman and be an amazing partner one day. It isn't going to be me, though."

OK. So these women do not find you attractive. But, why?

What Urban Sasquatch said in his first reply about doing things for you...from exercise, to hobbies...is important. Not only a matter of self improvement, and not only a matter of learning to love yourself and do for yourself without feeling crippled by your need and lack for a woman. There's more still to the benefits of doing these things. When you throw yourself into hobbies, you ignite and display PASSION. Passion is very attractive. So is intelligence, and many hobbies entail gaining knowledge about whatever subject it is.

I'm a nerdy gal, and I've gone to some Comic Cons, and I can think of right now, men I did not find objectively physically attractive, but when they were speaking, saying brilliant things, or being passionate, let alone BOTH, about something... Well, if I'd been available and looking, I'd have certainly had eyes for them. Because passion and intellect are both attractive. So is talent, so if any possible hobbies for you involve displays of skills or talents, anything from shooting pool to playing an instrument...that's appealing, too.

But you say that you are 5'9", which is not very tall for a man, and you are bald, having shaved off what remains of your hair, and you are, shall we say, "out of shape" (slightly overweight, you put it.) All of those put together combined with "nice" paints a picture to me of a soft smooshy marshmallow. While a woman might appreciate a snuggly teddy bear once she is already IN a relationship with him, if he comes off that way at first, he will get nowhere. We are initially drawn to strong, hard, masculine energy. But the good news, is that it's not all about how you look. A lot more is about how you act. Remember me talking about the smart, passionate nerds at Comic Con? You know the number one single word that will ALWAYS be mentioned in terms of what women like, is "Confidence." Well those men might not be confident all the time, especially if trying to deal with women, but they were in their own element there. Showing off smarts and passion, ding-ding-ding!, now they look confident. Assertive, even. Wake up, lady-bits, we got a man in the house!

So. Find your thing, whatever it is, the thing that makes you awesome, then think about ways to let women see you channeling your awesome mojo. That's what gets the job done. Be a marshmallow later, after you've just sent her over the moon and she's naked and sweaty and can't catch her breath. Until then? Be a rock. A rock on fire.

[Jdawg8181]

Originally Posted by 303Guy

When I am interested in a woman I feel a stirring. I think and feel something along the lines of "I want to make love to you. I want you in my arms".

My very last date was a case of "I'm going to make you mine - you are going to love me". And that before we even met at the restaurant. When she arrived, I moved in for the kill. I had the whole date planned and I pulled it off like clockwork. Even to the kiss at her car. One week later was dinner at my place ......

It's about mindset.

Ok so I've had a bit of practice.

What does not work is being Mr nice guy.

Nope. It's about being attractive and having a good job.

[PK12]

Originally Posted by Stockyman

Sorry if you don't mind me asking you a few more questions.

1) Have you had previous relationships before?
2) How old are you?
3) What do you do for a living? Career or job?
4) What is your living situation?
5) Do you go to social functions? Do you have an opportunity to meet a lot of people?
6) How do you dress? Up to date? Trendy?

I've noticed that some of the continual single guys share the same traits. Not saying that it's a bad thing but they are generally the same to me.

1) Have you had previous relationships before? Never been in a serious relationship. Been on quite a few dates that didn't lead much further, have had a few hookups and one-night stands (although that's not what I only look for) through, had one fling with someone who I met via online dating that didnt go much further beyond sex; she was still hung up on her ex and went back to him ultimately. Never had a serious romantic relationship where the feelings were recipocral.
2) How old are you? 32
3) What do you do for a living? Career or job? Corporate IT - make a little less than 6 figures
4) What is your living situation? Parents and I live together - but I pay most of the bills at home .
5) Do you go to social functions? Do you have an opportunity to meet a lot of people? I have a set group of friends and I go out with them every so often - used to be much bigger but folks got geographically dispersed. I suppose I could avail more opportunities to meet new people.
6) How do you dress? Up to date? Trendy? Yes I do. I dont shop very often but when I do, I will spend a decent amount of money in clothing and shoes, including mid to higher end brands

[Jdawg8181]

Originally Posted by PK12

1) Have you had previous relationships before? Never been in a serious relationship. Been on quite a few dates that didn't lead much further, have had a few hookups and one-night stands (although that's not what I only look for) through, had one fling with someone who I met via online dating that didnt go much further beyond sex; she was still hung up on her ex and went back to him ultimately. Never had a serious romantic relationship where the feelings were recipocral.
2) How old are you? 32
3) What do you do for a living? Career or job? Corporate IT - make a little less than 6 figures
4) What is your living situation? Parents and I live together - but I pay most of the bills at home .
5) Do you go to social functions? Do you have an opportunity to meet a lot of people? I have a set group of friends and I go out with them every so often - used to be much bigger but folks got geographically dispersed. I suppose I could avail more opportunities to meet new people.
6) How do you dress? Up to date? Trendy? Yes I do. I dont shop very often but when I do, I will spend a decent amount of money in clothing and shoes, including mid to higher end brands

Here's the problem.


32 & living with mom & dad. Most women do not want to date someone that old who still lives @ home.


I don't understand... if you make a little less than 6 figures... you should be able to afford a place on your own. Living with parents in your 30's is dating suicide.

[PK12]

Originally Posted by Jdawg8181

Here's the problem.


32 & living with mom & dad. Most women do not want to date someone that old who still lives @ home.


I don't understand... if you make a little less than 6 figures... you should be able to afford a place on your own. Living with parents in your 30's is dating suicide.

I mentioned that I pay most of the bills at home - parents do not work anymore and have health concerns so their financial situation is tight. I can absolutely afford a place of my own, but not two different ones lol.

Otherwise I completely agree with you.

[Vacanegro]

Set one or two nights a week to date then actively look for dates to fill those nights. The rest of the week keep for yourself. Go online and in-person to find dates. Make an effort - like exercising - you might not enjoy it very often but keep doing it because it is good for you. Note that the friendzone thing happens when you are pushing and they aren't into it. Don't rush into anything just tell yourself you need to see someone for a couple of months before you really get to know them.

Hopefully after a year or more of frequent dates you will find someone you connect with.

[Jdawg8181]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

They say you're such a nice guy because they think that is true, don't want to hurt your feelings, but your being nice and likable does not mean that they find you attractive. Rather than saying that they find you unattractive, since they think that would be cruel, they say "You are so nice, I just know you're going to find a great woman and be an amazing partner one day. It isn't going to be me, though."

OK. So these women do not find you attractive. But, why?

What Urban Sasquatch said in his first reply about doing things for you...from exercise, to hobbies...is important. Not only a matter of self improvement, and not only a matter of learning to love yourself and do for yourself without feeling crippled by your need and lack for a woman. There's more still to the benefits of doing these things. When you throw yourself into hobbies, you ignite and display PASSION. Passion is very attractive. So is intelligence, and many hobbies entail gaining knowledge about whatever subject it is.

I'm a nerdy gal, and I've gone to some Comic Cons, and I can think of right now, men I did not find objectively physically attractive, but when they were speaking, saying brilliant things, or being passionate, let alone BOTH, about something... Well, if I'd been available and looking, I'd have certainly had eyes for them. Because passion and intellect are both attractive. So is talent, so if any possible hobbies for you involve displays of skills or talents, anything from shooting pool to playing an instrument...that's appealing, too.

But you say that you are 5'9", which is not very tall for a man, and you are bald, having shaved off what remains of your hair, and you are, shall we say, "out of shape" (slightly overweight, you put it.) All of those put together combined with "nice" paints a picture to me of a soft smooshy marshmallow. While a woman might appreciate a snuggly teddy bear once she is already IN a relationship with him, if he comes off that way at first, he will get nowhere. We are initially drawn to strong, hard, masculine energy. But the good news, is that it's not all about how you look. A lot more is about how you act. Remember me talking about the smart, passionate nerds at Comic Con? You know the number one single word that will ALWAYS be mentioned in terms of what women like, is "Confidence." Well those men might not be confident all the time, especially if trying to deal with women, but they were in their own element there. Showing off smarts and passion, ding-ding-ding!, now they look confident. Assertive, even. Wake up, lady-bits, we got a man in the house!

So. Find your thing, whatever it is, the thing that makes you awesome, then think about ways to let women see you channeling your awesome mojo. That's what gets the job done. Be a marshmallow later, after you've just sent her over the moon and she's naked and sweaty and can't catch her breath. Until then? Be a rock. A rock on fire.

Yeah. Most women are not knocking down doors trying to date overweight bald men who live with their parents.


I think you need to make some changes, OP. I am sure you're a nice fella... but being nice doesn't cut it.


Lose some weight, grow your hair back, dress better, try to get a place of your own... these kinds of things go a long way. Women want more than just "nice"... they want someone to be excited about!


If I met you, I would not be overly excited about you. Yeah I would probably say 'he's nice'... think outside of the box. You need something that will impress and excite a woman.


AS far as height, I happen to like short men... 5'9" is actually too tall for me, lol. My fiancé is 5'7"... I wish he was shorter!

[Jdawg8181]

Originally Posted by PK12

I mentioned that I pay most of the bills at home - parents do not work anymore and have health concerns so their financial situation is tight. I can absolutely afford a place of my own, but not two different ones lol.

Otherwise I completely agree with you.

That's fine and admirable that you help your parents but in that case be aware most women are not going to be all that excited about your situation. It unfortunately impacts your dating life and it will until you change it.