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Do you feel like you'll feel embarrassed in front of your friends, after she changes her name? Like, they'll expect an explanation, and might think it's weird? If so, let it roll off your back. It's really not a big deal, unless you make it into one. Make a little joke out of it, and move on. "She decided she wants to 'get back to her roots' ", is as good a line as any, (not that it's anyone's business) if someone asks.
I mean it will definitely be embarrassing to have to explain why my wife is suddenly using a different last name after 23 years of marriage. Also, since she wants to change it legally that also obviously includes her workplace and I don't want her colleagues making assumptions about us and thinking we aren't what we've been protecting ourselves as. We are 100% American, as a family unit and abide by American laws and values. This is extremely important to me. If she at least had an American sounding last name I'd be able to work around an explanation as to why... while keeping my cultural identity. Now I have to have that taken away from me. Unless my wife is planning to file sometime soon, in which case I'll have her taken away from me. Either way, I lose something important to me and it's weighing down on me. Also, I don't want our friends and social circles to perceive us as dysfunctional or un-American.
You are so backward. Her paternal parent, grandparents, great-grandparents came here from Italy, but she is a "foreigner" and you don't want to mess up your Anglo image with her having a "foreign" name. Wow. You should worry about divorce. And you're thankful her mother is not a "foreigner?"
Your comments are very offensive.
I don't understand how my comments are "offensive", honestly, please explain this to me. I have no issue with Italian-Americans, or with Europeans, or with anybody. I accept and am willing to surround myself with anybody as long as they're good people and pleasant to be around. That's my only criteria. My wife isn't full blooded American and I knew that from the get go; I was fine with it because her cultural identity as an individual is one thing, however our cultural identity and who we are as a family unit is a completely different story. That's why I never appreciated my Father in Law telling our kids family stories about Italy and instilling Italian values in the kids. Not okay of him. We are proud Americans and only Americans and that's all there is to it. I don't understand why people on here have an issue with me wanting to stay true to my 100% American heritage. Why is it so wrong to be proud of my country and where I'm from? You guys seriously sound like an echo of my Father in Law.
"individualism" at 53 years old? she already has a great career so i'm not sure what "dreams" she's trying to "find". she's striving career wise. hell, she makes literally double the amount of $$ i do p/a. if she were some oppressed housewife i'd get it but she really isn't. and also, why does going back to her maiden name directly correlate to pursuing individuality and personal goals? i just don't get it. and she isn't making anything any clearer for me either.
She's just told you what she thinks and you refuse to "get it" or believe it. I think the problem is on your end, not her's. Believe what she says and respect her wishes.
You can tell your wife she can't change her surname back to her maiden name, but the decision is ultimately hers. If it's a deal breaker for you and she is adamant about the name change, divorce is the only option unless you decide your relationship with your wife is more important than a name or tradition. I can see why you feel upset, but looking at the bigger picture: does it truly matter? Our last names are just words. Besides, a purely American surname is rare. Most surnames originated in other countries. Native Americans, native Hawaiians, native Alaskans, freed slaves, though, I think are generally the exception.
It may be rare but my name is 101% American and only American. There's no way it originated from anywhere else as my entire family has always been here.
I mean it will definitely be embarrassing to have to explain why my wife is suddenly using a different last name after 23 years of marriage. Also, since she wants to change it legally that also obviously includes her workplace and I don't want her colleagues making assumptions about us and thinking we aren't what we've been protecting ourselves as. We are 100% American, as a family unit and abide by American laws and values. This is extremely important to me. If she at least had an American sounding last name I'd be able to work around an explanation as to why... while keeping my cultural identity. Now I have to have that taken away from me. Unless my wife is planning to file sometime soon, in which case I'll have her taken away from me. Either way, I lose something important to me and it's weighing down on me. Also, I don't want our friends and social circles to perceive us as dysfunctional or un-American.
I think you have a deluded perception about what makes someone an American. A last name doesn't make someone more or less American or 'un-American'. Maybe your wife knows you have a narrow point of view about this subject and that's why she's given up trying to discuss it with you. The world is changing. It's OK if you don't want to change along with it, but expecting someone besides yourself (even your wife, who is her own person) to adopt every one of your world views is selfish. She's not asking you to change your last name. Maybe worry less about what your friends or family will think and realize there are many worse things that could be happening in your relationship ... like divorce. Read and learn about your country's history OP and maybe you'll understand why other posters are finding it difficult to empathize with your point of view.
Check her internet history. See if she is using Reddit, what sites she's visiting frequently. "I don't want you to take credit for my life anymore" sounds straight out of the patriarchy is the root of all evil handbook. I'd bet all my bitcoin holdings she's found the toxic feminist corner of the internet and is taking it too seriously.
yeah i feel like the "feminists" who hate on men for being men (aka the toxic psycho feminists who don't want equality but superiority) are getting to her as well. i don't want to check her history because if she finds out that will definitely result to a huge argument but i feel like that may be it as well. i just hope they haven't gotten to her enough for her to want a divorce.
Where are these supposed "married adults" who keep their maiden names because I really don't know any. And it's not like she's giving me any "reasons" other than cryptic clues that make no sense and are probably just there to confuse me further.
Also, if she were feeling emotionally neglected, why not just tell me? Like I said, it's not like I haven't asked... I even asked her again last night after she got home and was nicer in the way I asked too, and she still wouldn't go into depth about what's happening and said everything is fine.
Also, it is not like I'm incapable of listening to my wife, if she actually had something for me to listen to, you can bet your bottom dollar I'd be all ears.
Her name, as a married woman, should be mine. That's the bottom line. And this isn't me being a sexist pig, these are the American values that have been instilled in me and in all true Americans because that's how society works , fellas. I don't make the rules. This isn't Latin America where the child has both of the parents's last names and where the wife is forced to keep her family name. We're living in the United States and as proud Americans, we need to abide by the law.
OK, I had a little sympathy for you until this last post. Jeebus, I can't believe anyone can be so unfreaking clueless. "I don't make the rules". "As proud Americans, we need to abide by the law". There is NO law stating that a married woman must take her husband's last name. Period. Interestingly, your wife seems to be a successful professional woman, from the salary figure you have quoted. Many professional women use their maiden name in their work life, which I suspect may be a strong factor in this scenario, especially as you have said that your wife has said she doesn't want you to be taking credit for her life any more (i.e., by having your last name). She wants to have her maiden name on her work - it's not a betrayal of her wedding vows, nor does it mean she's a cheater, a lesbian, or any of the other nefarious options some posters have suggested. However, you can hire a PI if you want and consult a lawyer. Knock yourself out.
Now that she has no kids at home, what is wrong with her going out with her female friends? There's such a thing as "girls night out" and it's not a "no-no" at any age. Married couples don't need to be joined at the hip, you know. They can even have different interests and still be loving couples. How about all the couples where the husband goes hunting or fishing every weekend with his guy friends? Does that scenario mean he's planning on a divorce? Men complain ALL the time if their wives intrude on THEIR weekend time. so why can't your wife have some time on her own? Do you do things with her at other times as a couple or are you badgering her in person the way you come across online? I can tell you that if I was married to someone who had such an obvious prejudice against people of my ethnic background as you do against your wife's, I'd be changing more than my last name.
Say "Gee Honey, we really never talked about the name change when we got married, tell me why you want to return to your original name. You know, it's going to be a big hassle if you want to change all your documentation, but in the end, of course, it's up to you."
Which it is, no matter what kind of 18th-century-women-as-chattel-property ideas you are clinging to.
By the way, I am a guy, have been married 30 years, my wife kept her name with my blessing. If we are going to bring "anglo-ness" and "Americanism" into it, my ancestors arrived here before the American Revolution; my name is a fairly famous one in American history; and my wife's name while a variant of a traditional English name, is also difficult to spell and pronounce correctly.
re: who she is in an extension of who i am
re: to tell my wife she can't go back to her old name as her real name is my name
Hello to 2017! You need to rearrange your thoughts or your wife will be moving on! If you have been telling her this all those years, I am going to assume she is tired of it and moving on.
If I had to do it all over again, 35 years ago, I would have kept my last name. It is becoming more popular for women not to change their name--I think that is good. Your words that I put in bold tell me a lot. She is her own person, not an extension of you. Her real name is what is on her birth certificate.
Italian names are beautiful and classy.
So, I need to "rearrange my thoughts" and be okay with my wife changing our country's core values and societal laws just because it is 2017? Sounds about right
And who she is is an extension of who I am. As a married couple, we're extensions of each other whether we like it or not. That's why this is an issue. Not only will her last name's origin extend to me, but the fundamental American values she's breaking by using her family name while still married to me (which is, apparently, what we will remain being) will speak volumes about me and my values as well as well.
Eh Italian names are alright. Not a fan of my wife's. Anglo ones like mine are way better in my personal opinion.
I don't care how many generations in your family were born here, they still came from someplace else (unless we go along with the idea that American Indians be excepted as 'natives' )
I don't suppose you'd tell us your 101% American-can't have-originated-elsewhere name so we can judge?
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This isn't Latin America where the child has both of the parents's last names and where the wife is forced to keep her family name. We're living in the United States and as proud Americans, we need to abide by the law.
