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He's not going to learn empathy. You either have it by nature or you don't. Since you appear to be a person with a high degree of emotional need and emotional reactivity, you might be better served by just finding somebody else who better meshes with that reality of who you are. He isn't going to change and neither are you.
Sorry to tell you this lil miss, but youre going to find that guys are usually problem solvers, not listeners.
Some of them are both. Don't settle for one who isn't. It's not a binary thing; you don't have to be one or the other.
Moreover, being a good listener makes you a better problem solver, and it also makes you more able to recognize when someone isn't looking for you to solve their problem in the first place.
What OP doesn't get is even if he parroted one of three consoling phrases, she'd then come up with,"He's just saying that 'cause I told him to, He doesn't really feel it"
It would be meaningless.
Sorry to tell you this lil miss, but youre going to find that guys are usually problem solvers, not listeners.
Your guy sees you have an issue and wants to solve it..so it doesnt happen again. It doesnt make sense to a young guy that you want him to lie to you. You want him to sit there and let you vent in multiple tangents until you feel better, after winding yourself up into a tizzy. (You want him to say its gonna be ok, even when it isnt, is you wanting him to lie solely for the purpose of empathy and not for the purpose of the real problem at hand.)
You broke your phone? Well if he isnt in the habit of breaking his phones, how is he supposed to empathize with you? His first reaction would be "Thats why you broke your phone, why would you do such a thing?"
The truth of the matter in his head might be this. There are consequences to things, and if you dont pay attention to what youre doing, you will be inconvenienced later. Thats just logic, its nothing to get emotional over, and you should have seen it coming. (An example of course) He wants to fix the problem and move on, not watch you dwell on it while you practice welling up. That doesnt help anyone, and it doesnt stop you from doing it again.
If you like to feel the rush of emotions at the drop of a dime, you should vent to your friends instead, or do it privately. Dont dump this on him, or any SO. Forcing him to say "it'll be OK" just for you to hear the words and stop crying is what little kids do, not adults. Its the equivalent to a tantrum, no one wants to deal with that. Save the emotional breakdowns to him for real grieving.
If he started hollering and smashing things because he lost at a video game, and was basically inconsolable, Im sure you'd get tired of it quickly, especially when you try things to soothe him but none of them work. Even if he told you what works, it might not work after a while, and it would just get tired, youd look for a guy that was more mature.
At this point, I imagine that he is accustomed to you randomly getting upset at him and he has no way to empathize with you now, because hes as frustrated with you as you are with him, and you both put up walls now. Hes going into "I cant be bothered" mode because hes given up. And for good reason, youve been expecting him to do what he has no training to do, and for what? "Ok you say magic word, I no cry no more".
Please stop playing games with him. Like the others said, this is a you issue. Even if you leave him, you will run into a few guys like him, and they wont stick around long if you pull these games.
If youre upset, and you just want to wallow in emotions and anger, take a walk somewhere and leave him out of it. Maybe notice the little things you get so upset, and realize they really arent big enough deals to get into these kind of arguments. Maybe then when you actually run into an issue that warrants a worldwind of emotions, it will be serious enough that he will actually have sincere empathy, rather than rattling off a list of meaningless phrases.
In order to be a team, you have to want to understand each other. Its not supposed to be difficult. You are intentionally making it difficult because you want him to understand you when you wont even try to understand him. How is that kind of mindset supposed to work with anyone?
Location: In a city within a state where politicians come to get their PHDs in Corruption
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizdancer99
If you were in a relationship where you never got emotional support, you'd start to get upset about it after some time as well. I'm now emotionally "needy" because I get 0 validation of my feelings from my SO and are usually only met with snide remarks and unwanted advice.
Do you think that your need for validation is so overwhelming that he simply tunes it out? My business partner has to feel validated about taking a leak sometimes, and he's a guy. I've tried my best to help him the first year, second year I realized he was dragging me down to his level, and now I just simply don't pay attention to any of it. I tune it out. It's draining.
Some of them are both. Don't settle for one who isn't. It's not a binary thing; you don't have to be one or the other.
Moreover, being a good listener makes you a better problem solver, and it also makes you more able to recognize when someone isn't looking for you to solve their problem in the first place.
Thats true, but thats not what she is dealing with here. She cant even come close to expressing herself in a way that he can comprehend, let alone geting him to be able to change into a good listener. She cant make it make sense to him, and its because theres no logic in it whatsoever. She is looking for empathy for the sake of empathy alone, which is ridiculous.
I've been doing a lot of research between the differences between men and women and I found the speaker Mark Gungor. I think he explains a lot of our problems because I think my SO just doesn't know how to talk to me. I was going to show him the seminar this weekend when he did another thing to prove my point.
We we're texting and I said that I was upset my phone broke and we couldn't talk on the phone (it doesn't make calls &i've been home for xmas and missed him) and he said something like "you'll live" And I thought that was a good example of where he could of used a more empathetic answer but doesn't "get it".
What exactly should he "get" about it? You broke your phone....go get it fixed or get a new one? Like what is he supposed to do or say about you breaking your phone?
The issue lies with this post. Your bf is responding to you, but you also have this expectation of him of small minor things like this that you seem to blow up for no particular reason. Is something like your phone not working properly REALLY something that will make you THAT upset? Or do you just get upset about the smallest things? All of your complaints so far have been relatively minor compared to real life problems.
If your parents were in the hospital, or one of your family members were hurt or got into an accident, that's one thing. But it seems like you are crying over everything very minor that happens to you and you want your bf to change and act accordingly and coddle you.
Sorry, but a girl who whines and cries a lot and is needy like you...it isn't attractive at all to most guys, and I'm not sure how you want him to react when you get upset over minor things that happen. Also, you seem like a negative person and not very positive. Don't you think that's having an effect on your bf too? It's not that he sounds like a bad listener, but seems like he's starting to tune you out when you make the biggest deals out of spilled milk. Don't you think you should just be a bit more calm with him and to not let small things bother you to the point where you need to cry about it to your bf? Do you have a best friend who you can vent to about these kinda things?
Last edited by sonnymarkjiz; 01-02-2018 at 02:03 PM..
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