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Hmmm. I'm not feeling as harshly as some folks here. I DO think you set the stage for her, as you DID bail her out of a few situations. I'm not necessarily sure it's a bad thing you did. You're a nice and generous guy. Is she taking advantage of you? Well...let's say she's gotten complacent in your generosity.
If you care about her, sit her down and tell her it's important for HER well being that she get out and find a job, so that she doesn't come to feel like you own her. Tell her you want her to be the best version of herself she can be, and that means being independent, having her own money, and finishing school.
Personally, I think this can be worked out with adjusting some expectations in a loving way.
Thanks for not raking me over the coals like most others seem to be doing. Look, I fully admit I messed up. I will also say I got out of a bad divorce a little over two years ago. That hasn't helped things. But we do talk and I will talk to her and see how she feels. As for buying her newer stuff, I guess I just wanted her to have the best and treat her well.
Thanks for not raking me over the coals like most others seem to be doing. Look, I fully admit I messed up. I will also say I got out of a bad divorce a little over two years ago. That hasn't helped things. But we do talk and I will talk to her and see how she feels. As for buying her newer stuff, I guess I just wanted her to have the best and treat her well.
Yup, you bought her, alright. Now what are you going to do about it?
You'll talk to her like you say & she'll just tell you what you want to hear, flash some leg or whatever & you'll be putty in her hands again.
Another thing about couples w/ HUGE age gaps, whether it's the old man/young woman & vice versa, they'll never be each other's equal financially (usually) unless the young partner's kind of rich already because it takes yrs to build up in a career & start making better money. So the average 21/22 yo fresh out of college isn't making $80K+/yr right off the bat.
Oh & OP, you probably got her a pretty nice car, I'm guessing, right? Like a Mercedes, BMW or on that similar level? I doubt you got her like a Hyundai. I hope that car's in YOUR name & NOT hers. If she had "a little engine trouble", I don't know why you couldn't just pay to have it fixed if you wanted to help her out. Even my fiance' says she prob purposefully messed up her own car & may like it's totally undrivable.
You'll talk to her like you say & she'll just tell you what you want to hear, flash some leg or whatever & you'll be putty in her hands again.
Another thing about couples w/ HUGE age gaps, whether it's the old man/young woman & vice versa, they'll never be each other's equal financially (usually) unless the young partner's kind of rich already because it takes yrs to build up in a career & start making better money. So the average 21/22 yo fresh out of college isn't making $80K+/yr right off the bat.
Oh & OP, you probably got her a pretty nice car, I'm guessing, right? Like a Mercedes, BMW or on that similar level? I doubt you got her like a Hyundai. I hope that car's in YOUR name & NOT hers. If she had "a little engine trouble", I don't know why you couldn't just pay to have it fixed if you wanted to help her out. Even my fiance' says she prob purposefully messed up her own car & may like it's totally undrivable.
lol Especially if it was a Toyota or Honda; for it to have engine trouble would be an obvious scam. They never have engine trouble, until they're at the end of a very long lifespan, longer than most cars. Now you have me wondering whose name the car is in.
^ Yep, I think that's just as bad too. I personally think BOTH genders should date around their similar age. From the older woman's perspective, she probably thinks..."men have been dating younger women for yrs, so why can't I?" OR "a young guy makes me feel young & sexy again." Eh. Obviously, she doesn't have the self esteem to not do that.
And why a young guy would want an old woman, I'll never understand it...unless he's looking for a sugar mama who'll take care of him.
I love her for many of the same reasons anyone loves each other. I do make sure to keep up my end and help out and be a good husband. Nor is she my "sugar momma" or any such thing. As to why a younger man could find an older woman attractive, pretty much the same reason a younger woman finds an older man attractive (ie maturity, self-sufficient, probably not as eager to let the little stuff bother them, intelligent, knowledgeable etc.).
Granted, in the OP's case he pretty much started off as a sugar daddy and set the tone for the relationship which is NOT a good foundation for a relationship. When we were dating my wife and I had many long talks about it and what our expectations were so for us it has worked out very well, and I still am deeply in love with her.
I love her for many of the same reasons anyone loves each other. I do make sure to keep up my end and help out and be a good husband. Nor is she my "sugar momma" or any such thing. As to why a younger man could find an older woman attractive, pretty much the same reason a younger woman finds an older man attractive (ie maturity, self-sufficient, probably not as eager to let the little stuff bother them, intelligent, knowledgeable etc.).
Granted, in the OP's case he pretty much started off as a sugar daddy and set the tone for the relationship which is NOT a good foundation for a relationship. When we were dating my wife and I had many long talks about it and what our expectations were so for us it has worked out very well, and I still am deeply in love with her.
If you see my later posts #s 37 & 43, I expanded on my reply.
I have helped her with some things, some of which many may consider excessive. For example, her car was having some bad engine trouble so I bought her a new car, she didn't have much so I have bought her some clothes, jewelry, etc. I have also helped pay her tuition as she is trying to get a veterinary degree and since she had a crappy phone that was bad and constantly had problems, I bought her the new iPhone X. She always seemed appreciative of it all. But three weeks ago she got fired from her wal mart job, for not coming in and had used all her sick days.
You chose to do these things for her. If you don't want a woman who is a user, then don't be a sugar daddy. What kind of veterinary degree is she trying to get, because you have to be smart to be a veterinarian.
Try dating a woman closer to your own age who is more well established and can pay for her own phone, car, etc.
People never seem to 'get' that you need to have a long term relationship with your socioeconomic equal. If you're buying cars, iPhones, and otherwise providing the primary financial support to an ex-Walmart employee who is 20 years younger, you're doing it wrong. In your mid-40's, you want a relationship with someone who maxes out their 401(k) and has a big chunk of home equity, not a house pet.
Why do you NEED to have a long term relationship with your socioeconomic equal? This is implying that everyone who makes less than you is going to drain you, be a plague on you, and is a gonna suck you dry of everything you worked for. It sucks that it needs to be pointed out that not everyone (or most people) who makes less than you, is gonna be with you to leech off of you. There's a difference between people who make less than you and people who are freeloaders and users who wanna drain you dry like a vampire. I make more than my soon-to-be wife, but she contributes financially, too. She buys all the groceries in the house/cat food and takes the cats to be the vet for check ups, she pays at least half the time when we go out to eat, she pays for her phone bill (on my plan) and her car insurance, her gas, etc. I pay all the other bills, as well as the mortgage/property tax/insurance, which I'd be paying for even if she weren't here, because I bought this house almost a year before I met her. I paid off the balance of her car back in May because it made sense for us in the long term. She could save more money for the wedding and other things, rather than pay that for another 3 years. I also bought a new car for myself and took out a loan. She also bought me an extremely generous and expensive guitar for Christmas/birthday, that meant so much to me. She saved up for it when I eliminated her cay payments, and even reached out to a friend of mine on instagram to give her advice, since she didn't wanna spoil it and ask me. And starting in April (hopefully), I'm telling the people I work for now to take this job I have and shove it, and starting a new endeavor. I may or may not be making more than I do now, since it's freelance/independent contractor stuff.
I don't appreciate the insinuation that she's leeching off of me or that I should have looked for someone who made more than her. The OP got hosed because his ''Girlfriend'' is a leeching freeloader, not because she's a 25 year old that worked at Walmart and is going for her Veterinary degree. The OP probably also made it known very early on that he was vulnerable and a target for this kind of opportunistic behavior from her. He seemed to roll out the red carpet for her.
Thanks for not raking me over the coals like most others seem to be doing. Look, I fully admit I messed up. I will also say I got out of a bad divorce a little over two years ago. That hasn't helped things. But we do talk and I will talk to her and see how she feels. As for buying her newer stuff, I guess I just wanted her to have the best and treat her well.
Is she still attending classes? She can make a lot more money and have a much more flexible schedule if she works in the restaurant/bar/hotel industry as a waitress or bartender. She can make much more money then working at Walmart or any other retail type job.
She came from a bad upbringing and perhaps has found security in your generosity and kindness. I would think she would want to work to better herself so that she can be successful in her own right and share that success with you. How does she treat you on a daily basis? Does she seem truly happy to see you when you come home? Does she want to engage with you as a romantic partner? Does she clean or help with the cooking or any house chores?
Perhaps the reason she gets defensive when you ask her how she's doing on her job search is because she's not looking and has no intention of looking for work. I would have a serious discussion with her on why she's not putting forth effort to find a job. If she gets defensive then ask her why she's behaving in that manner. People who grow up in abusive/dysfunctional families have a lot of inner work to do before they can be successful in a romantic relationship. Do you see patterns of behavior that indicate she's still affected by her dysfunctional upbringing?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rassnon
Meanwhile she spends most of her time on her phone, talking with friends, watching youtube/Netflix etc.
This should reveal a lot to you if she is doing this more then spending time with you or spending time looking for work or studying.
For starters, I am 44 and my girlfriend is 25. And have been together for 10 months. We met online and at first everything was great, we did fun activities together, had great conversations, had great chemistry, etc etc. She moved in with me and things were fine... At first.
I have helped her with some things, some of which many may consider excessive. For example, her car was having some bad engine trouble so I bought her a new car, she didn't have much so I have bought her some clothes, jewelry, etc. I have also helped pay her tuition as she is trying to get a veterinary degree and since she had a crappy phone that was bad and constantly had problems, I bought her the new iPhone X. She always seemed appreciative of it all. But three weeks ago she got fired from her wal mart job, for not coming in and had used all her sick days.
She has said she has been looking but I haven't seen her go to any interviews or anything like that and she keeps telling me that she is still looking. Meanwhile she spends most of her time on her phone, talking with friends, watching youtube/Netflix etc.
When I ask her how her job hunt is going she gets defensive. Yet she has asked me to buy her new clothes and such. We still do things together, including sex which is pretty good I wont lie, I still feel as if she is taking advantage of me.
Looks like she has a sugar daddy.
I guess if the sex is good go with it and enjoy the 20 year age difference.
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Obviously, she doesn't have the self esteem to not do that.
