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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,715,076 times
Reputation: 41376
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CapsChick
Couldn't rep you again as I had already repped you today for one of your previous posts in this thread...but I do agree. While dating, I decided not to date men with children. I had reasons that were personal to me. I didn't think of having children as a character flaw that others needed to be warned against at all costs. That's just flawed reasoning. Those who position their world view this way are going to end up missing out, big-time.
I'm very skeptical that us who refuse to date single parents are going to miss out on much. You can't miss out when you don't want the thing you allegedly are gonna miss out on anyway.
Couldn't rep you again as I had already repped you today for one of your previous posts in this thread...but I do agree. While dating, I decided not to date men with children. I had reasons that were personal to me. I didn't think of having children as a character flaw that others needed to be warned against at all costs. That's just flawed reasoning. Those who position their world view this way are going to end up missing out, big-time.
Thank you, I appreciate it!
If I were in the situation where I was drained and used by a single mother, I would write it off to being a problem with that particular woman as a person, and not a single mother problem in general. I know plenty of people that have went on to have long relationships and even marriages with someone that had children from a previous relationship/marriage.
I’ve dated single mom’s before and the biggest problem that I’ve faced (which is rather trivial) was that when we wanted to be alone and be intimate, sometimes the child would need to spontaneously be tended to, at any moment. I’m sure when I have children one day, we’ll be facing this same problem. Especially while they’re still infants.
There should be yellow flags in these situations, but there also should be yellow flags in many other situations when dating. Yellow flags are different from red flags. They’re not necessarily a problem, but should be treated as cautionary and not a stop sign.
I'm very skeptical that us who refuse to date single parents are going to miss out on much. You can't miss out when you don't want the thing you allegedly are gonna miss out on anyway.
That is not what I said. Re-read my post. What I said was:
Quote:
I didn't think of having children as a character flaw that others needed to be warned against at all costs. That's just flawed reasoning. Those who position their world view this way are going to end up missing out, big-time.
In the time it has taken for him to create, read, and update this thread, the OP could have met the woman in question for coffee and gathered sufficient data to know whether or not he wants to spend more time with her, rather than basing this decision on the opinions of strangers based on limited information.
In the time it has taken for him to create, read, and update this thread, the OP could have met the woman in question for coffee and gathered sufficient data to know whether or not he wants to spend more time with her, rather than basing this decision on the opinions of strangers based on limited information.
Not quite but thank you for the philosophy lesson.
Thanks to those who have replied with useful feedback.
She says she does have a good job and no debt and is saving to buy a house.
She had a kid in her late 20s with a deadbeat (her words) who is no longer in their life. She has full custody.
She seems alright otherwise as we hit it off, but the living at home thing in her 30s thing is rare and I have never dated a single mom before.
Debating whether to proceed or move on.
Just my two cents, but I'd give her a chance. It sounds like the living with her parents deal is only temporary. If she had no job, a gaggle of kids by assorted men and had never lived independently, I'd say yeah, run like your pants are on fire, but I wouldn't consider the housing situation to be a dealbreaker, especially if she's saving to get her own place.
Is this a red flag? If you don't have all the information needed to make a decision, how are we supposed to be helpful when we have less to go on than you? If you really don't want to date a woman with a kid and who lives with her parents, then don't. If that's your preference, that's your preference. It doesn't need a value judgment from anyone.
I'm not trying to be a beep here, but this isn't a question to be posed on the internet. Before the net, you would meet someone, get to know them, and then make an assessment. You don't know the situation that happened between her and her ex-bf, but she is doing the right thing by raising him in a safe, hopefully loving environment. People make mistakes, it's owning up to them and doing the right thing (being a responsible parent) that's important. How is she taking care of her child? Does she seem to be a responsible parent? Or is the child an inconvenience? Does he put his needs in the forefront? If she's a good mother, then that's a big plus as to how she'll be with your children. Does she have a good relationship with her parents? Are they controlling/overly meddlesome? For all you know, the parents could have initiated things and suggested that she move in to give the child a good life. My mother, early 20s and divorced, moved in with her mother, my grandmother. It was humbling, but she did not want me to be raised in an unsafe environment and she wanted me to have a stable home life. That was probably one of the BEST decisions she ever made because I had a second to none childhood, being raised by both women. I am who I am today - a successful woman - because of the foundation that I was given. My mom could have moved out at any time, but she didn't because everything worked so well.
If she is debt free and saving for a house, that is also a positive, because it shows that she has goals.
As for wanting a replacement father for her son, people need to get that ish out of their heads. Many women don't want that. What they want is a man to bring certain attributes to the table, as any women would want, and accept them as a package deal.
Buying a house (especially in some parts of the country) isn't easy, and raising a child as a single parent with little or no financial support from the other parent also isn't easy. If she's trying to do both at the same time, that sounds like a pretty legitimate reason to be living with her parents. As long as it's an actual goal she is making progress toward and not just an excuse, I wouldn't see any problem with it. It's probably also helpful to have her parents around to help with child care so she can do things like work, have a social life, and go out with dudes she meets online.
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