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I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 13 years and living with him for 10 years.
We are in the process of buying our first house. We started the process two months ago.
I'm very worried and I've started to feel very unsure if I actually want the house or to live in the location it's in. I'm embarassed to admit this, but I've started to hope that the sale falls through and we can keep on searching for a property in a different location.
The house will be located in a town in a rural location. We have only ever been to the town twice to view the house. The town doesn't seem to have too much going for it other than a leisure centre and there is no public transport other than an hourly bus. I can't currently drive and have just started driving lessons a few months back. I don't know how I feel at the prospect of having to drive to get anywhere, it feels overwhelming and daunting.
We live in the suburbs of London, England at the moment and have been for about 6 to 7 years now. We are so well connected in terms of public transport. We live right next to a train station. There is so much choice and variety here - shopping, markets, restaraunts, museums, parks, cafe's, events, shows. If I'm honest with myself I have no desire to leave or for a change, I feel very content ans settled, but my boyfriend has been talking to me about how he wants a change for the last 3 years. He has gotten desperate and this have been exasperated as we have been having issues with our next door neighbour from when we moved in. My boyfriend has told me that he is desperate to move.
I feel like I'm going to feel trapped and cut-off in this new town. I'm worried it will be feel too much of a change for me. It won't be easy to access London anymore and I don't feel ready to leave.
I will also be unemployed when we move. I will be quitting and leaving my job and colleagues of 4 years behind. I'm dreadfully worried about my prospects for finding another job. The job I have been doing for the past 4 years is just an entry-level job and I'm lucky that it has been desk based. I'm worried that I'm not in a good enough mental place to be putting myself through such. a big change, first of all finding a new job and then starting it. I feel completely burned out to the ground and overwhelmed. My boyfriend is pressuring me to apply for new jobs but I feel so incompetent. I also won't have any way of getting to the new job, other than driving. This feels overwhelming as I only started driving lessons a few months ago and I have no driving experience. I use the bus everyday here. I like having the freedom of being able to read or browse my phone whilst commuting to work.
I have been struggling mentally for years and grieving the baby I aborted. It was 4 years ago and I wanted to have my baby more than anything. My boyfriend said that we weren't in any sort of position to have a child back then and I foolishly felt like I had no choice. I think about my baby every single day and keep it all to myself. I know it will never go away. I'm 30.5 years old now and I have wanted a child for years. I'm scared we will just be leaving it too late now. It feels unfair, considering ive been in a the same relationship for years. I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about this but he wants me to be doing better financially. He said that he doesnt want to feel like all of the financial pressure is on him. He has said that he wants things to be more equal and for him to feel like I'm more of a partner to him. My boyfriend has said before that he wants us to not be renting and have our own house so Ive started to think we may be getting a bit closer by buying this house.
Things have gotten very fraught and strained between us. We started looking at properties to buy over a year ago and we have travelled to different places in the country to view properties. My boyfriend has threatened to break up with me multiple times this year. He thinks I'm to blame for the situation we've ended up in. He says our relationship has made him depressed as he's been waiting for me to sort out a different career path/job for years. He said its affected his mental health so badly.
My life only feels like its getting harder over the years... I'm only 30 years old but I feel just so sad,vunsatisfied and pained all of the time.
I can't believe I'm going to be buying a house but I'm also going to be unemployed. It is mad. My boyfriend has questioned me as to why I haven't been getting excited or talking about any plans for the house. I just don't feel any sort of excitement at all and it doesn't feel right.
I feel absolutely overwhelmed with my life and like I'm going to be swimming too deep. Im worried about losing even more of myself with the move.
I just want calm, peace, joy and a sensenof security in my life. I have thought about sadly letting the relatiosnhip go so I dont have to deal with the pressure and resentment coming from my boyfriend anymore and can be free. I'm worried that if I do I will come to regret the decision after a few months of been alone and desperately miss living with him abd sharing my life with him.
I would like to be true to myself and put myself first. I dont think its fair to myself to have to compromise anymore in this relationship. I have already compromised enough by having the abortion. I feel like I lost half of my heart. My boyfriend has gotten completely desperate to move at this point and is suffering with the neighbour. He works from home everyday and can't cope with her. He works with his office curtains closed so he doesn't have to see her. She sits in the garden directly below his office everyday.
Last edited by Pinkcupcakes; 06-29-2023 at 01:30 PM..
Are you going to be a co-home owner of this house, or is it just going to be in your boyfriend's name? Can he afford the house payments without your income?
I own a home in the country and love it - but I drive. I'm in the U.S., and in most places we are very attached to our cars, and the public transportation is bad.
I suggest you get some personal counseling. Your BF doesn't sound like a prize. He sounds like a jerk and you need to figure out why you put up with it. There is nothing wrong with him wanting to move, but he needs to be practical about it. Or maybe it's practical for him, but you are so irrelevant to him that he doesn't care about the difficulties this will cause you.
Can you afford to buy a car to drive to work in? That's another consideration. Honestly, I think you need to tell your BF to move without you. Or to wait until you get your license, and a car, and feel more comfortable about driving.
Your BF's happiness should not come at the expense of your own. A relationship involves compromise. Move away from the bad neighbor, but somewhere with public transportation. He should certainly wait until you can drive, because what if you never do? Are your anxiety problems such that you may never be able to handle it?
I see no reason why you are with him at all, yet alone why you are making drastic changes that only suit him.
Right, and OP is 30 years old and has been with this guy for 13 years? Maybe you've outgrown each other--it doesn't sound like either of you are mentally in a good place. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy keep you in a relationship that isn't giving you what you need and don't uproot your life if you're not 100% (or heck, 80%) on board and excited about the changes.
Do NOT commingle your finances until you are legally married!
"We're buying a house" sounds like your finances will be involved. Don't do it. Your protections as a live-in girlfriend are nothing like your protections as a spouse.
I have not heard any compromise on his part but only yours and some very MAJOR ones at that.
Sometimes when we have been with a person for a very long time it makes us feel like we are with them for life.
Your relationship isn't a relationship as much as it is a dictatorship on his part.
The bottom line is YOU AREN'T HAPPY! So why are you hanging around and allowing his to make life altering decisions for you?
Are you IN LOVE with him? Or do you just love him because he's been in your life for 13 years and it is convenient for you and easy?
I'm not going to tell you to end this relationship because only you can make that decision.
I feel you know what the right thing to do is .
I also wager once you're out of the relationship and go and speak to someone who can help you through the emotional trials of having an abortion most if not all of you being in a mentally bad place will end.
Your BF is manipulative and is controlling the narrative and the biggest factor that you have to admit to is you are letting him do it. End the cycle.
This seems like a scary situation, OP. The fact that you cannot drive and the plan is to move to an area without good transit, and for you to leave a job that feels secure and not have one at all...you're going to be even more dependent on him. And solving those problems takes time. It won't happen in an instant.
Being that dependent on a man is not a great idea, and with him already getting upset about it and the fact that you have tensions between you and he pushed you into a traumatic decision that is continuing to get to you...it adds up to trouble.
So the other posters here are suggesting you simply break up. Well, I say hang on...pause a moment. Do you have the ability to support yourself if the two of you break up? It does not sound like it. Do you have any family that you could stay with for a bit to get on your feet? Friends, perhaps, in London? Any way to get by while you figure out a path to better security? What are the alternatives?
I think that you should think about it and take stock. Ultimately it would be great if you had your driver's lessons done and the ability to drive before you go, and best if you also had a job or at least good leads on a job you could get to, before you move somewhere new. It isn't best to count on a boyfriend to support you, but it is better than being on your own and unable to get by. Regardless, I strongly suggest some kind of therapy or counseling to help you process your lingering grief and to consider what your options are in life and so on. Best wishes and good luck!
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 13 years and living with him for 10 years.
We are in the process of buying our first house. We started the process two months ago.
I'm very worried and I've started to feel very unsure if I actually want the house or to live in the location it's in. I'm embarassed to admit this, but I've started to hope that the sale falls through and we can keep on searching for a property in a different location.
The house will be located in a town in a rural location. We have only ever been to the town twice to view the house. The town doesn't seem to have too much going for it other than a leisure centre and there is no public transport other than an hourly bus. I can't currently drive and have just started driving lessons a few months back. I don't know how I feel at the prospect of having to drive to get anywhere, it feels overwhelming and daunting.
We live in the suburbs of London, England at the moment and have been for about 6 to 7 years now. We are so well connected in terms of public transport. We live right next to a train station. There is so much choice and variety here - shopping, markets, restaraunts, museums, parks, cafe's, events, shows. If I'm honest with myself I have no desire to leave or for a change, I feel very content ans settled, but my boyfriend has been talking to me about how he wants a change for the last 3 years. He has gotten desperate and this have been exasperated as we have been having issues with our next door neighbour from when we moved in. My boyfriend has told me that he is desperate to move.
I feel like I'm going to feel trapped and cut-off in this new town. I'm worried it will be feel too much of a change for me. It won't be easy to access London anymore and I don't feel ready to leave.
I will also be unemployed when we move. I will be quitting and leaving my job and colleagues of 4 years behind. I'm dreadfully worried about my prospects for finding another job. The job I have been doing for the past 4 years is just an entry-level job and I'm lucky that it has been desk based. I'm worried that I'm not in a good enough mental place to be putting myself through such. a big change, first of all finding a new job and then starting it. I feel completely burned out to the ground and overwhelmed. My boyfriend is pressuring me to apply for new jobs but I feel so incompetent. I also won't have any way of getting to the new job, other than driving. This feels overwhelming as I only started driving lessons a few months ago and I have no driving experience. I use the bus everyday here. I like having the freedom of being able to read or browse my phone whilst commuting to work.
I have been struggling mentally for years and grieving the baby I aborted. It was 4 years ago and I wanted to have my baby more than anything. My boyfriend said that we weren't in any sort of position to have a child back then and I foolishly felt like I had no choice. I think about my baby every single day and keep it all to myself. I know it will never go away. I'm 30.5 years old now and I have wanted a child for years. I'm scared we will just be leaving it too late now. It feels unfair, considering ive been in a the same relationship for years. I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about this but he wants me to be doing better financially. He said that he doesnt want to feel like all of the financial pressure is on him. He has said that he wants things to be more equal and for him to feel like I'm more of a partner to him. My boyfriend has said before that he wants us to not be renting and have our own house so Ive started to think we may be getting a bit closer by buying this house.
Things have gotten very fraught and strained between us. We started looking at properties to buy over a year ago and we have travelled to different places in the country to view properties. My boyfriend has threatened to break up with me multiple times this year. He thinks I'm to blame for the situation we've ended up in. He says our relationship has made him depressed as he's been waiting for me to sort out a different career path/job for years. He said its affected his mental health so badly.
My life only feels like its getting harder over the years... I'm only 30 years old but I feel just so sad,vunsatisfied and pained all of the time.
I can't believe I'm going to be buying a house but I'm also going to be unemployed. It is mad. My boyfriend has questioned me as to why I haven't been getting excited or talking about any plans for the house. I just don't feel any sort of excitement at all and it doesn't feel right.
I feel absolutely overwhelmed with my life and like I'm going to be swimming too deep. Im worried about losing even more of myself with the move.
I just want calm, peace, joy and a sensenof security in my life. I have thought about sadly letting the relatiosnhip go so I dont have to deal with the pressure and resentment coming from my boyfriend anymore and can be free. I'm worried that if I do I will come to regret the decision after a few months of been alone and desperately miss living with him abd sharing my life with him.
I would like to be true to myself and put myself first. I dont think its fair to myself to have to compromise anymore in this relationship. I have already compromised enough by having the abortion. I feel like I lost half of my heart. My boyfriend has gotten completely desperate to move at this point and is suffering with the neighbour. He works from home everyday and can't cope with her. He works with his office curtains closed so he doesn't have to see her. She sits in the garden directly below his office everyday.
You're neither excited nor talking about what amounts to only your boyfriend's plans about moving because you've neither been given a voice nor can you seem to find a way to voice your very legitimate concerns about not only the move, but how you felt about terminating a wanted, if unplanned pregnancy.
You're the only one who can make the decision to stay with your boyfriend even though the relationship no longer suits you. You've also had four years of feeling what amounts to disenfranchised grief over the abortion that you were coerced into having performed several years ago with seemingly zero real support from the father of your unborn child.
Two questions: are you able to get by financially should you decide to part ways and is your boyfriend's goal of homeownership only possible with your financial assistance?
Buying a house and a change of scenery isn't going to mend all that's wrong with things between you and your boyfriend. If he keeps trying to break up with you, citing that HIS mental health comes before your own; that "someday" you'll have a child together (don't believe it), this is not a person to whom you're going to want to hitch your wagon; leaving you trapped in a situation that your gut is screaming at you to extricate yourself from as soon as possible.
Long story short, it's your decision, but ignoring your gut and moving to a location where you'll essentially be unemployed, trapped, and miserable in the hopes that things will work out long term and you'll then be able to have that baby that you long to have would be a monstrously huge mistake.
This has to be so scary for you since you have pretty much spent the entirely of your formative adult years with your boyfriend. *hug from across the pond*
Is your boyfriend in your age group, i.e. you learned how to navigate adulthood in tandem or is he older with other serious relationships in his own past?
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 06-29-2023 at 07:01 PM..
I have thoughts but won’t respond unless the OP returns so we know if she is monitoring this thread
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