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Old 01-18-2018, 01:00 PM
 
3,852 posts, read 4,132,274 times
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When you say you have known him for half a year -- have you ever met him in person?

You can't "make" someone trust you. All you can do is conduct yourself in a manner that is trustworthy. You won't be able to establish trust until you start spending time together, face-to-face.

While it is commonplace for people to have trust issues, the fact is nearly all of us have been hurt at one time or another, and it's frankly unfair to hold that against subsequent people you date. Everyone should start with a clean slate. Of course, that is easier said than done.
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Old 01-18-2018, 01:03 PM
 
13,262 posts, read 7,949,360 times
Reputation: 30752
Quote:
Originally Posted by WomanInTheMirror View Post
Well, I didn't say it in so many words, that's true, but last time we talked he jokingly asked me something along the lines if he's got a chance with me or if his position is not too good. I answered him matching his tone that he's got good chances and he said that he's glad about it but he also added the bit about needing to build trust before being able to start acting more seriously.

Generally, I work in a bit odd hours which don't really match the time when he works so our free time overlaps only late in the evening or on the weekends, and some time ago he asked me if such hours won't be an issue if I met someone with whom I'd like to be dating, so I said that my weekends are all free and that I'm willing to do something if anything comes up. Yeah, I guess I should have responded more straight forward and hint on a date?

You told him you were available if something came up. That's about as straight forward as you can get.


If it were me, I'd leave it at that. Don't chase him. I kind of feel like MiniDriver is right, and that he's being manipulative.
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Old 01-18-2018, 01:43 PM
 
25 posts, read 18,118 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by CapsChick View Post
When you say you have known him for half a year -- have you ever met him in person?

You can't "make" someone trust you. All you can do is conduct yourself in a manner that is trustworthy. You won't be able to establish trust until you start spending time together, face-to-face.

While it is commonplace for people to have trust issues, the fact is nearly all of us have been hurt at one time or another, and it's frankly unfair to hold that against subsequent people you date. Everyone should start with a clean slate. Of course, that is easier said than done.
Yes, we've been seeing each other from time to time over this half a year and we've talked a few times in person and judging by his body language he's attracted to me too. After I made the first move he started talking to me a lot (but only over texting) and generally his behaviour towards me changed. Plus, when it came up in the conversation that I'm single he said that he'd thought that I was involved with someone.
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Old 01-18-2018, 01:49 PM
 
25 posts, read 18,118 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
You told him you were available if something came up. That's about as straight forward as you can get.


If it were me, I'd leave it at that. Don't chase him. I kind of feel like MiniDriver is right, and that he's being manipulative.
I was thinking about the manipulative option, however, I'm not really leaning towards that because my parents have known his mom for a long time now (not on the friends level but still) and I don't think that he'd be playing like that, especially that if he'd wanted he would have started doing it a long time ago.
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Old 01-18-2018, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,632,754 times
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He mostly sounds kinda clueless about flirting, to me, and insecure.
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Old 01-18-2018, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Manchester, UK
914 posts, read 733,577 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WomanInTheMirror View Post
Yes, we've been seeing each other from time to time over this half a year and we've talked a few times in person and judging by his body language he's attracted to me too. After I made the first move he started talking to me a lot (but only over texting) and generally his behaviour towards me changed. Plus, when it came up in the conversation that I'm single he said that he'd thought that I was involved with someone.
It sounds a little bit like he enjoys you as a "texting buddy". Personally, I think 3 weeks is a lot of texting without actually meeting up. When I like somebody, I want to see them. I'd get bored...
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Old 01-18-2018, 06:40 PM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,872,068 times
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Cynicism alert: he doesn't really want you, but your attention makes him feel good and he wants to have you tabbed on his thumb-through when he needs a date to a party.

Have some girl he seriously wants walk into his life and you'll see how fast the "trust issues" fall off as he turns cartwheels to get her to like him.

"I've been hurt so I need to take things slowly and have you around without having to officially commit anything to you, not even time" is on par with "Work is just really busy right now." Those excuses poof like ecig smoke when the right guy/gal comes along.

Take this LIGHTLY and don't read into it, and keep your eyes peeled for a guy who's crazy about you. Trust me when I tell you that THAT guy could be lying on a hospital gurney bleeding out but still manage to not forget to text you. This particular guy will willingly surmount having "been hurt" (as anyone over the age of, say, 8 has been) in the past. He'll be able to surmount distance. He'll rearrange that "important lunch" with his sister-in-law for you (or invite you along). He'll manage to find 5 minutes on lunch break to text you a "Hey...was just thinking about ya."

He's coming...stay open to that.

As for this other guy, meh. Half-effort warrants half-or-less response, IMO. He's not a bad person or anything, he's just not interested enough to give you what you need. Happens to all of us, from both sides, so make other plans and if this guy fits into them without you expecting anything further, then all good, and if not, well, you're busy.
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Old 01-18-2018, 06:48 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,314,997 times
Reputation: 53066
You can't "make" anybody do anything.

If he has trust issues, he needs to address and handle them. There isn't anything you can do, really.
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Old 01-19-2018, 08:01 AM
 
Location: Forests of Maine
37,271 posts, read 61,020,454 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WomanInTheMirror View Post
How to make a guy who's been hurt trust you and want to date you?
How to make a guy ...

You can not make a person want to do anything.
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Old 01-19-2018, 08:30 AM
 
Location: Central IL
20,726 posts, read 16,223,978 times
Reputation: 50368
I guess I don't see it as my job to help "fix" him - he has to do that himself. Whoever does "help" will likely be transition girl and unless I specifically want to date casually, that would be out.

Don't be the white "knight" to rescue him - his eyes will opened but likely for the next woman down the road, not you.
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