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So my bf and I have been dating for 1.5 year now and we have been getting very serious with each other. We are planning on moving in with each other very soon (him out of his parents house and myself out of my current roommates living arrangement), which we are both excited about but I can tell it will be more bitter sweet for him because he's been living at home for so long, helping out his parents financially, etc. This will actually be his first time moving out/living on his own since dorming in college. On the other side, I've been living on my own since college.
So the other day, we were talking and the topic kind of came up. He's actually a bit nervous having to tell his parents soon that he's decided to move out since he doesn't know how they will take the news. He's been their major support (even though he is the youngest and has 4 older siblings) and has helped out quite a bit. He then jokingly said that maybe we can live together now in a condo we rented but down the line, perhaps we can buy a house and his parents can move in/live with us. I didn't say anything at that moment but it kinda struck me and I can't help but feel like I do NOT want that to happen. A part of me knows I am being selfish, and made me reflect back on my own parents and how I am not around for them But the other part of me can't help but think that I really like my independence and privacy, and if my bf and I were to get married, buy a house together, etc. I would want it to be my OWN space.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you feel about it?
I know I am probably thinking way far ahead lol. We are also Asian so I guess it's "tradition" or "normal" for older parents to move in with the kids down the line so we can take care of them, which I totally get but I just don't want my space invaded -_-
So my bf and I have been dating for 1.5 year now and we have been getting very serious with each other. We are planning on moving in with each other very soon (him out of his parents house and myself out of my current roommates living arrangement), which we are both excited about but I can tell it will be more bitter sweet for him because he's been living at home for so long, helping out his parents financially, etc. This will actually be his first time moving out/living on his own since dorming in college. On the other side, I've been living on my own since college.
So the other day, we were talking and the topic kind of came up. He's actually a bit nervous having to tell his parents soon that he's decided to move out since he doesn't know how they will take the news. He's been their major support (even though he is the youngest and has 4 older siblings) and has helped out quite a bit. He then jokingly said that maybe we can live together now in a condo we rented but down the line, perhaps we can buy a house and his parents can move in/live with us. I didn't say anything at that moment but it kinda struck me and I can't help but feel like I do NOT want that to happen. A part of me knows I am being selfish, and made me reflect back on my own parents and how I am not around for them But the other part of me can't help but think that I really like my independence and privacy, and if my bf and I were to get married, buy a house together, etc. I would want it to be my OWN space.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you feel about it?
I know I am probably thinking way far ahead lol. We are also Asian so I guess it's "tradition" or "normal" for older parents to move in with the kids down the line so we can take care of them, which I totally get but I just don't want my space invaded -_-
If it's the boyfriend whose mom was acting "jealous" of you, I hope that at least has been resolved by now.
Regardless of how far away this situation is, you're having misgivings about it, and you need to voice them.
it's "tradition" or "normal" for older parents to move in with the kids down the line so we can take care of them, which I totally get but I just don't want my space invaded -_-
Then maybe this isn't the guy for you
Or, maybe you need to talk more with him about it. In fact, it is certain you need to do that.
Because no one really knows if she was jealous of you. That was just your idea, but even you weren't sure what the problem is. There are a lot of reasons someone would be standoffish.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oasiscakes
And no, it's not resolved and I don't think it ever will be. I feel a certain energy from her every time I've seen her- I just let it be.
Honestly, moving in together would be a terrible idea because you said last time that even though your BF is careful about money, you are drowning in debt, and the fact that you avoid talking about very important topics with him.
All that plus his eternal devotion to his folks = a recipe for disaster in the near future.
Or, maybe you need to talk more with him about it. In fact, it is certain you need to do that.
Yes- I plan to talk to him but I wanted to get a feel of how others think as well. I brought up my own story for content but curious to hear people's thoughts if they have been in the same shoes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
Because no one really knows if she was jealous of you. That was just your idea, but even you weren't sure what the problem is. There are a lot of reasons someone would be standoffish.
Honestly, moving in together would be a terrible idea because you said last time that even though your BF is careful about money, you are drowning in debt, and the fact that you avoid talking about very important topics with him.
All that plus his eternal devotion to his folks = a recipe for disaster in the near future.
Well, it's clear that she is. It's been months since that post.
Sure, thanks for the heads up and telling me how to live my life. And avoid talking to him about what? His mom standoff-ness towards me for no reason? I think I made it clear in my other thread that it is HER problem and I'll live with it. But this topic, I definitely can't and will bring it up to him sooner or later. While you're right, he has a lot of "devotion" towards them- he has whole lot of "devotion" towards me too. He could have easily held off moving in with me, and stayed where he's at but it's pretty clear he put me first and asked me to move-in. Not sure why the debt part is relevant or brought up here, either. Please stop pointing fingers and being nit-picky at other people's lives whom you don't even know. But then, that's the internet
Sure, thanks for the heads up and telling me how to live my life. And avoid talking to him about what? His mom standoff-ness towards me for no reason? I think I made it clear in my other thread that it is HER problem and I'll live with it. But this topic, I definitely can't and will bring it up to him sooner or later. While you're right, he has a lot of "devotion" towards them- he has whole lot of "devotion" towards me too. He could have easily held off moving in with me, and stayed where he's at but it's pretty clear he put me first and asked me to move-in. Not sure why the debt part is relevant or brought up here, either. Please stop pointing fingers and being nit-picky at other people's lives whom you don't even know. But then, that's the internet
You know, I was super patient with you in your last thread, and even defended you against some other posters. But I see you're still carrying the same snotty, spoiled approach into 2018 and seem to have forgotten that YOU ASKED US FOR ADVICE.
So...have you gotten the eye-rolling out of your system?
Here are some quotes from your previous thread to let you know that, even though you both believe you are in love, these are the things that will cause serious problems when you move in together. Fix them or don't. Up to you:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oasiscakes
I'm not afraid of him not defending me.. but for the time being, I just don't want to bring it up to him.
My bf and I don't see each other during the week because of work schedule, and for the weekends, he comes over to my place.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oasiscakes
I don't want to bring it up since we aren't going to be moving in til early 2018.. Don't want to stress him out
... it's still a lot of pressure for him to pay both the mortgage and rent.
But he's brought up the fact that sometimes he gets really stressed or frustrated because instead of living at home, he knows he couldve had his own place by now, etc.
On the plus side, he works 100% remote so the mortgage he pays is less than any 1-bed rent and the luxury of having home cooked meals every day..
Definitely makes me feel bad for myself at times, but not to the point where I feel the need to bring it up to my bf and stress him out.
It's going to be a rough transition, and not just because of the mom issue.
You know, I was super patient with you in your last thread, and even defended you against some other posters. But I see you're still carrying the same snotty, spoiled approach into 2018 and seem to have forgotten that YOU ASKED US FOR ADVICE.
So...have you gotten the eye-rolling out of your system?
Here are some quotes from your previous thread to let you know that, even though you both believe you are in love, these are the things that will cause serious problems when you move in together. Fix them or don't. Up to you:
It's going to be a rough transition, and not just because of the mom issue.
Look- I created this thread to hear on people's input about living arrangements with parents. Read the thread title.
I don't know why any of this is RELEVANT. I am not even ASKING for advice about moving in with him. Take the old thread out of the picture and all I am asking is if people have experience with the same conflicting feelings I am in.
So what do you want me to do? Would you want me come back at the end of our lease and jump on here to write a post that lets you know that we survived living with each other and things are dandy? What you know on here is like 1% of our relationship. Again, why does the debt thing matter? Why does the fact that he is financially stable MATTER? Stop bringing up irrelevant points that defines 1% of our relationship. You don't know us, how we operate, etc.
You both sound young and his parents are probably still in their 50’s. If they’re both able to work, then they should be paying their own way.
In that case, the two of you should go ahead and get your own place to live.
If you want to explore the option of Co-housing with his family, perhaps he should explore the idea of finding a home with a guest house apartment (or duplex). You just continue doing your own thing for the time being. When he finds the the right place, then you and he can move in together in the guest house.
If you marry and have children, then the two of you will move into the main house, switching spaces with the parents.
If your relationship fails, they can always rent out the guest house until the next prospective wife or family member arrives.
Does he know you're drowning in debt? I am Asian. So imagine my utter horror that my American nasty loser bro in law invited himself to move in with us to our newly bought house?
2 years of hell I tell you. My husband did not even ask me if I was ok with it. He is gone now but ugh, his freaking things are still in the room so we can't freaking use it. The nerve really.
My husband still calls it his room. I call it THE room. I even suggested to tear the wall dividing our room and that room so we will have a master bedroom. OMG my husband went nuts and told me not gonna happen. Ugh.
I am venting obviously. But you know that you can't live with your in laws so you know what to say to your bf.
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But the other part of me can't help but think that I really like my independence and privacy, and if my bf and I were to get married, buy a house together, etc. I would want it to be my OWN space.
