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JerZ and fleetiebelle were responding to HC, but I quoted them out of order.
A few men on this forum put an inordinate demand on all of us for emotional support. A handful of regulars and the once or twice per week drive by who sticks around and maybe participates in their thread, but disappears. For men and women who try to offer empathy and encouragement, it can get draining.
There's also the way topics are worded and how the authors participate. When a guy simply expresses his frustration in language like, "I'm 28 and my dating life sucks and I feel like I've done all I can......." most of us are pretty supportive. Who hasn't felt that way, whether we express it or not. Especially if the guy seems to consider suggestions or accept support, they're good.
Then the people who word things more like "I'm just to ugly to get any attention from women who all want tall good looking guys with money." That thins the herd of supportive people.What can you say to that person, especially if this is a frequent lament? I try something along the lines of focusing on positives (he has none) or working on things you can change (doesn't help-see tall-good looking-money) but they almost always push back. It's wearing.
I even test the waters with the guys who lead with "Women can have any man they want any time they want". But often those guys get met with a suspicion at best or hostility from some long term women posters who have heard this before, and sometimes from these very men under different usernames.
It seems to me that empathy from women toward struggling men is pretty proportionate to those men's apparent seriousness, their willingness to take responsibility for things they are responsible for, and their openness to change.
Lol, to the bolded. "Thins the herd of supportive people". Gee, ya think?
Yes i posted that for the humor, and I was around then, and dating was much easier for me then. and most people around me back then were outliers and we all did well.
And even though that show is a huge exaggeration there are pockets of the country where outliers are closer to the norm, Seattle, Portland, Athens Georgia(not Greece lol), Austin ... while every major city has their odd ball sections those cities are different because you aren't expected to "grow out of that phase". but I can only speak on places I have been feel free to ad some cities to the list.
And were you out and about more then? Were you more open then? How was your attitude then? What was different then?
Do that.
Were you approaching a certain demographic then, one you were matched with? For instance, were you 22 dating 22-year-olds...bit now are, I don't know, 38 approaching 22-year-olds? Don't do that. You were matched then, it worked; you're not now, it doesn't.
I don't know your actual situation so these are just examples but if you HAD success think about what YOU did to contribute to that...there is really your beginning point.
i'm sure, very sure, the mating game will remain the way it currently is for all of eternity, until the Sun incinerates the Earth, when our Sun runs out of Hydrogen
And were you out and about more then? Were you more open then? How was your attitude then? What was different then?
Do that.
Were you approaching a certain demographic then, one you were matched with? For instance, were you 22 dating 22-year-olds...bit now are, I don't know, 38 approaching 22-year-olds? Don't do that. You were matched then, it worked; you're not now, it doesn't.
I don't know your actual situation so these are just examples but if you HAD success think about what YOU did to contribute to that...there is really your beginning point.
I think the OP is now in his 40s. So presumably in the ‘90s he was in his late teens or 20s. It tends to be easier in general to date in your 20s because most people are single, have no children, and have less baggage. They are early in their careers, are not in careers yet with low-wage jobs or are still in school. That has nothing to do with the decade and everything to do with your stage of life. I would say that in general, the ‘90s was harder for dating because there were fewer places to find people, not to mention many more obstacles and prejudice against LGBTQ folks.
Once you get to the 35+ dating pool, the vast majority of people will have a career and have expectations for a partner to be making decent income as well. Many will own a home or have owned a home in the past. Many will be divorced and/or have children. Some of lower end of this age range will want to have kids ASAP. Understandably, there will be a lot more non-negotiable items at this phase. If one person wants to have kids ASAP and the other person doesn’t want any kids or doesn’t want more children, it’s going to be a no go from the start.
That said, there still needs to be some flexibility and compromise. I think we’ve heard many times about the OP’s home. He lives in what sounds like a marginal neighborhood (with boarded up homes) and has no mortgage, but he wouldn’t be open to moving unless he could buy another home cash. If a woman already has a mortgage on a home in a neighborhood she like and is comfortably making payments, why would she want to move to a less desirable area? He also has the house set up really dark, which I think most women would find challenging. Sure, one or two dark rooms would be okay, but most people need natural light.
That said, there still needs to be some flexibility and compromise. I think we’ve heard many times about the OP’s home. He lives in what sounds like a marginal neighborhood (with boarded up homes) and has no mortgage, but he wouldn’t be open to moving unless he could buy another home cash. If a woman already has a mortgage on a home in a neighborhood she like and is comfortably making payments, why would she want to move to a less desirable area? He also has the house set up really dark, which I think most women would find challenging. Sure, one or two dark rooms would be okay, but most people need natural light.
The most concerning thing for me was when several people remarked that the OP seems like he'd be most happy with a sex robot, and his response was, "yeah, that'd be awesome!" and not, "maybe I need to think about my priorities a little."
And were you out and about more then? Were you more open then? How was your attitude then? What was different then?
Do that.
I was about the same then as now personality wise, only a few bars I hung out at regularly one of them I still go to though it has changed names twice since then but the same crowd or type of crowd still goes there. though it's a much smaller crowd.
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Were you approaching a certain demographic then, one you were matched with? For instance, were you 22 dating 22-year-olds...bit now are, I don't know, 38 approaching 22-year-olds? Don't do that. You were matched then, it worked; you're not now, it doesn't.
Back then I attracted from slightly younger to much older(hell I was dating a 35 year old at 15 lol)
The demographic I did best with was the punk/alt/grunge types it's still the type I'm attracted to, problem is most women my age have sold out by now and the few that havent have had the same ol'man for years.
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I don't know your actual situation so these are just examples but if you HAD success think about what YOU did to contribute to that...there is really your beginning point.
I was pretty much the same then as I am now.
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Originally Posted by RamenAddict
I think the OP is now in his 40s. So presumably in the ‘90s he was in his late teens or 20s. It tends to be easier in general to date in your 20s because most people are single, have no children, and have less baggage.
And I was hoping to go back to that as at this age I would thing that most women who did have kids, the kids would be adults,(mine is 25) but I keep getting msgs from women my age who had their last kids in their 30's and even early 40's one woman that is in my depression therapy group who flirts every time she see's me has 3 kids, 27, 24 and 6 , and that seems to be becoming the new normal.
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They are early in their careers, are not in careers yet with low-wage jobs or are still in school. That has nothing to do with the decade and everything to do with your stage of life.
Where at my age I would thing they would be winding down in their careers got their homes paid for and much more free time for relationships, thus able to revert back to the early 20's dating style.
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I would say that in general, the ‘90s was harder for dating because there were fewer places to find people,
Actually that is what made it easier, most single people in just a few places depending on what type you were into(for me it was Joes garage, tattoo bar, and tombstones), fewer options made it easier to choose one person so less competition(I prefer to date someone who lives close but these days I have to compete with guys within 150 mile radius)
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not to mention many more obstacles and prejudice against LGBTQ folks.
A friend of mine says the opposite, she said all the other lesbian women knew each other or knew of each other hung out in the same places so it was harder to play games with people.
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Once you get to the 35+ dating pool, the vast majority of people will have a career and have expectations for a partner to be making decent income as well. Many will own a home or have owned a home in the past. Many will be divorced and/or have children. Some of lower end of this age range will want to have kids ASAP. Understandably, there will be a lot more non-negotiable items at this phase. If one person wants to have kids ASAP and the other person doesn’t want any kids or doesn’t want more children, it’s going to be a no go from the start.
All things I've said before, materialistic or with baggage in tow.
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That said, there still needs to be some flexibility and compromise. I think we’ve heard many times about the OP’s home. He lives in what sounds like a marginal neighborhood (with boarded up homes) and has no mortgage, but he wouldn’t be open to moving unless he could buy another home cash. If a woman already has a mortgage on a home in a neighborhood she like and is comfortably making payments, why would she want to move to a less desirable area? He also has the house set up really dark, which I think most women would find challenging. Sure, one or two dark rooms would be okay, but most people need natural light.
no boarded up homes on my street, some people moved and one died years ago(most of my neighbors are elderly) and the houses were boarded up but that only lasted a few years then the houses sold(and my taxes went up).
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Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
The most concerning thing for me was when several people remarked that the OP seems like he'd be most happy with a sex robot, and his response was, "yeah, that'd be awesome!" and not, "maybe I need to think about my priorities a little."
Today noway, if AI and appearance got to a certain level then hell ya, you see I understand how the brain works, if realistic enough the brain can't tell the difference sort of like how online FPS's are more popular among males, it's instinctual, it replicates the feeling of a tribal hunt and the more primitive(oldest) parts of the brain can't tell the difference. so a realistic enough android would have the same effect if AI got to the point it could learn and grow but with certain traits hard wired in(faithfulness, loyalty, key personality traits ) it would be all upside no downside.
This vid was talked about on another forum. She went mental and wanted to change back to a woman real quick. She realized how life is on easy mode being a female. As a male, she didn't have her privledge anymore
OP, what universe are you in that is normal to FINISH having kids in your 20s? Even in the mid-‘90s, the median age for marriage for women was 25. Most of the people I know who literally get pregnant ASAP after their wedding are mid-thirtysomething women, while my friends who got married in their mid-20s were typically about 27-28 before they tried for their first. In my current office, we have several women in their mid-30s and up with children 2 and under.
It is the same with your career. If full retirement age is 67 for that age bracket, why would you be winding down your career in your 40s. That is the point where you should be stable and getting to the point where you have a good income. “Winding down” doesn’t typically happen for people until their mid-50s at the earliest. The only people I know who wound down earlier had really high paying and super stressful careers.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
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Originally Posted by RamenAddict
I think the OP is now in his 40s. So presumably in the ‘90s he was in his late teens or 20s. It tends to be easier in general to date in your 20s because most people are single, have no children, and have less baggage. They are early in their careers, are not in careers yet with low-wage jobs or are still in school. That has nothing to do with the decade and everything to do with your stage of life. .
I don't think it is because of children, or "baggage", it is just that people expect less in their 20s. I now have 20 more years of dating to know what works, and what doesn't work, and my expectations are much higher. In my 20s, at least before I went to grad school, I just cared about having someone fun to go out with and have sex with, so yeah, it was easier.
Of course, there wasn't OLD, so in that respect, it was much harder.
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, and that seems to be becoming the new normal.
