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Maybe we wear jeans on date night instead of dresses and dress pants, maybe I keep some stubble( she asked that I shave frequently because she says it was like kissing a cactus),
I see your point on these. As a gay man, I get her point about the stubble, but I also get that shaving is a pain and is rough on your face. I don't know what your definition of "frequently" is, but I'd think once a day is enough.
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Originally Posted by DiplomaticImmunity
maybe we don’t have a 3 drink limit when we go out.
Oh, I'm totally with her on this one. I think it should be a 2 drink limit.
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Originally Posted by DiplomaticImmunity
As far as “ gf acting as Mom”, I think it could be a little bit of that. Long story short, parents had me young, Dad left( we talk sometimes), Mom had no idea what to do, so she was a “ friend first” and I didn’t really have many rules.
This, too, is an option. A big bed can be awkward to make on one's own. Coordinating together, one person on each side, it's a snap. There's really something to be said for teamwork.
In the past I’ve drppped little comments, like jokingly, giving her the opportunity to say she’s proud I changed or she appreciates it, for instance “ I went in on those dishes, straight beast mode” her response was a smirk and rolling her eyes
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Originally Posted by skaternum
Let's try this, a little louder: YOU DO NOT DESERVE PRAISE FOR ACTING LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT. YOU DO NOT DESERVE PRAISE FOR DOING SOMETHING THAT IS A NORMAL PART OF MAINTAINING A HOUSEHOLD.
And a little harsher now: Stop being a whiny baby and grow up. OMG.
People roll their eyes at the term, but this is exactly what is meant when people talk about women taking on emotional labor in the home. Somehow it's automatically her job to make sure there's food in the fridge, the laundry's done, the bills are paid, and now it's her job to make sure her partner feels good about doing the things that he should be doing anyway. Neither of them sound like great communicators, but this is symptomatic of a larger issue.
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Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
Oh, it's a real thing.
My husband and I had this problem for years, and I could never explain it to him. He got it, when it was way too late for us, but it involved little tiny things that he expected me to keep up with for him, from asking me for the pharmacy phone number every time his prescription needed to be renewed to asking me every single Mother's Day and Valentine's Day what I wanted to do, so that all the responsibility for my own "surprises" was mine as well.
'"My husband, despite his good nature and admirable intentions, still responds to criticism in a very patriarchal way. Forcing him to see emotional labor for the work it is feels like a personal attack on his character. If I were to point out random emotional labor duties I carry out—reminding him of his family’s birthdays, carrying in my head the entire school handbook and dietary guidelines for lunches, updating the calendar to include everyone’s schedules, asking his mother to babysit the kids when we go out, keeping track of what food and household items we are running low on, tidying everyone’s strewn about belongings, the unending hell that is laundry—he would take it as me saying, “Look at everything I’m doing that you’re not. You’re a bad person for ignoring me and not pulling your weight.”'
Good points.
I am a retired teacher. I can't tell you how many dads that I have ran across who don't even know what grade their child is in (sometimes even how old their child is or their birthday), let alone their teacher's name, their friend's names, how they were doing in each class, etc., etc. And, Mom is expected to know all of those things in her head, as well as the child's current size in clothing, that they need new socks, that Tuesday is pajama day at school, plus friend Susie is allergic to nuts, friend John is having a birthday party on Saturday and he loves train books, etc. etc.
It is amazing that most wives/mothers heads don't explode from everything that is "expected."
I mean, for the most part, it’s 50/50, but if she’s really tired, I’ll pick up the slack and vice versa
And that's how it should be. You're a team.
Thinking about it further, I'm reminded of the love languages thing. Usually that kind of relationship self-help is pretty cheesy, but there might be something to the idea that your love language is "words of affirmation" and if hers isn't, you might be inadvertently acting at cross purposes.
You just wanna keep bitchin about chores? I guess you're "good" at laundry and leaving the toilet seat down ....
I agree there probably are bigger issues here that directly tie back to my upbringing and there is a bigger picture that needs to be addressed. I’m not a fan of being told what to do( unless of course it’s like a boss or a professor) but her telling me what to do, has put me in a better position.
She’s just, it’s likd casting a shadow and it’s mostly in my own head, the thinking of I don’t do what she wants, she’s gone
I think I get where you're coming from. You most definitely had an ax hanging over your head, and that was pretty scary. You made changes, in reaction to the threat of your GF leaving. It's not the ideal way (for either of you) to go about the process of making those changes. I mean, after all, your girlfriend had to threaten to leave. Probably not a choice she came by lightly.
She might be carrying some resentment about all of it, like you are.
I don't know...if it were me, (I think), in a loving and happy moment, pull your lady into a hug, and tell her "Honey, I love you, and I'm working on being a better partner to you. Can you give me some feedback on how I'm doing?"
This way, you're acknowledging there was a problem, and you're acknowledging you're trying to be better, and you're signaling to her that you realize her anger and frustration was valid at the time. AND that you need some feedback on how you're doing.
I mean, she knows I’m, stunted for lack of a better term, so I don’t think it’s too much to give a tiny bit of praise even though, yes, I’m doing what the average young adult is doing
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