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Some my dad said once about employment, "do a good job they will never let you know, do a bad job they will never let you forget". I always found that sad, I praise the good and criticize the bad. if I say nothing it means the person is doing just enough to keep their job. I'm the same way in relationships and I encourage my partner to be as well, sadly being a great partner and a mediocre partner are treated the same way by too many. and I believe that if she valued you she would knowledge improvements.
I an ex whos sister had health problems and it cause her to want to take better care of herself, I was full of support and encouragement. and learned learned to cook tasty meals to fit her new diet.
Some my dad said once about employment, "do a good job they will never let you know, do a bad job they will never let you forget". I always found that sad, I praise the good and criticize the bad. if I say nothing it means the person is doing just enough to keep their job. I'm the same way in relationships and I encourage my partner to be as well, sadly being a great partner and a mediocre partner are treated the same way by too many. and I believe that if she valued you she would knowledge improvements.
I an ex whos sister had health problems and it cause her to want to take better care of herself, I was full of support and encouragement. and learned learned to cook tasty meals to fit her new diet.
Your dad didn't know how to make good choices. Then apparently he blamed others. I wonder whether any of that sounds familiar.
If OP isn't getting what he needs, he either must say something, or go. Either way, he has to be an adult and DO something. Helping to keep lying around being a victim isn't doing him any favors.
Your dad didn't know how to make good choices. Then apparently he blamed others. I wonder whether any of that sounds familiar.
If OP isn't getting what he needs, he either must say something, or go. Either way, he has to be an adult and DO something. Helping to keep lying around being a victim isn't doing him any favors.
Nope he was actually quite successful. it was his way of telling me not to expect a "thank you" in life.
I just have always thought that was kind of crappy. I believe if good and kindness was rewarded and greed, evil, and unkindness was shunned and ridiculed the world would be a better place.
Ive tried looking from her POV. I think when we first met and she saw me as someone who was laid back, fun loving, didn’t take things too seriously, but I think over time she saw it more as “ he just don’t give a ...” and that grated on her. Used to be a running joke with her about how I was never bothered by things she was bothered by. But, I’ve been showing her clearly, that I do care, it’s just going unnoticed
You know, what it sounds like here, is that there is none of that important compromising.
She's demanding that he live up to her stricter standards but isn't at all interested in relaxing hers.
Since 'her way', as even reflected in the posts here, are the supposed 'right, grown up' way, he gets little to no credit for living up to them.
The guy wants to be himself a little more. Doesn't mean he reverts back to being what she seems to think was an unhelpful, irresponsible slob( which he might have exaggerated a bit)
Isn't this a case that is so warned about?
Not to take on a partner with the idea of he'll be great once I change him? And then not even recognize in words that he's done so, as if it's her due?
I think sometimes people forget that there are 2 sides to a coin.
I used to know a lady who was a nurse. She was 10 or 15 years older than me. One time she was telling me about her husband, and how protective he was, and how she always sensed she was safe with him, and she loved that about him.
BUT one thing he did, that drove her crazy, was that when it was time to go to bed, he'd spend an inordinate amount of time going around the house, making sure everything was locked up tight. Even if some spontaneous hanky panky came up, he had to go around and check all the doors and windows to make sure things were locked up...which sometimes took away from the spontaneous in the moment romance.
It would drive her nuts.
And then, one day she got it. I can't remember if someone else pointed it out to her, or she gained the realization herself, but she realized that this need of his to make sure everything was locked up tight...it was the flip side of being protective, and her feeling safe.
I think we all have our flip side. For instance, the flip side to OP's laid back ways is that a lot of stuff doesn't hit his radar, that maybe SHOULD hit his radar, like maybe contributing to the housework routine maybe. BUT it also means that when your GF comes home from a stressful day, she knows she's coming home to peace, and an easy going guy. She needs to figure out what she values most.
Well anyway, OP, I hope you two can work it out. I'm rooting for you two.
You know, what it sounds like here, is that there is none of that important compromising.
She's demanding that he live up to her stricter standards but isn't at all interested in relaxing hers.
Since 'her way', as even reflected in the posts here, are the supposed 'right, grown up' way, he gets little to no credit for living up to them.
"Her stricter standards" are not exactly setting the bar high. They're what any normal adult should do -- clean up after yourself, don't be a slob, dress appropriately for the occasion, make your bed. Seriously, not Mommie Dearest demanding that he remove all wire coat hangers from the house. Just basic Adult 101. He does not deserve credit for simply being an adult.
I think he deserves recognition for trying to make important changes.
We all like validation, and when learning a new skill, we all want to know if we're doing it right. A simple "Did I pass this test". He is willing and learning to step up. There's nothing wrong with some validation on it.
Ive tried looking from her POV. I think when we first met and she saw me as someone who was laid back, fun loving, didn’t take things too seriously, but I think over time she saw it more as “ he just don’t give a ...” and that grated on her. Used to be a running joke with her about how I was never bothered by things she was bothered by. But, I’ve been showing her clearly, that I do care, it’s just going unnoticed
yeah, I can see that. I've been in her shoes and I bet, my ex thought too, he is changing, but he didn't. I treated him like a baby because he behaved like one and when he put his socks in the hamper once a year instead of leaving them all over the house and me nagging for weeks, he expected me to praise him and be happy about it.
Maybe she isn't praising you enough because what you (finally do) is the bare minimum and shouldn't require to even be praised for. Most guys I met through online dating who described themselves as "laid back" were simply lazy. Not saying you are, but that is my experience.
It is hard from here to judge who is in the right here and if you should go to counseling or if it is too late. Once the respect is gone, it is almost impossible to get it back.
Last edited by oh-eve; 02-08-2018 at 12:43 PM..
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