When is enough lying to leave someone you love?

[Mikala43]

According to your previous posts he has been:

Unemployed
Convicted felon
Liar


Every one of those should have been enough, but here you are.

[MinivanDriver]

Originally Posted by Peace12345

Bf of several years has lied about things including financial matters. He has been in a tough spot money wise for the last 8 years and lost his assets. I am well settled financially and for a while he lied to me about his debt bc I think he thought if he told me the truth I’d leave. Well I found out on my own on several occasions and he couldn’t fess up so we broke up briefly a few times.
I took him back because he promised to be transparent.
He improved some of his terrible habits in terms of overusing credit cards but I keep catching him in money lies. The latest ones involve him using his mothers credit card instead of his own on certain occasions. I was very angry at him because she is old and needs he money and even though he doesn’t have much he works and gets a modest salary and has some money on the side for paying bills that was inherited. He told me his mom said it was ok for him to use her card if he wanted. His name is in the card but the account is hers and she pays it. He is her power of attorney.
I’m at my wits end. He wants to marry me (soon) but how can I make a future with him? While he says otherwise am I the next card he will use?
Ironic part is we really love each other and have great chemistry like I’ve never had with a man except my late husband.
During one of our breakups I made him go with me to counseling but I caught him in a lie about going online dating at the second session and the therapist told me to leave him. I stayed because I loved him and am loyal.
Do I leave or stay?

Show me someone who will lie about small things and I'll show you someone who lies about big, important things.

[MinivanDriver]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

According to your previous posts he has been:

Unemployed
Convicted felon
Liar


Every one of those should have been enough, but here you are.

How would you know that? It's the OP's first post.

[oh-eve]

Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch

As a man who has been in this very situation:

A person who is comfortable lying to you now, when they could both get busted AND lose you, will be far, far more comfortable lying to you once "losing you" is less of a risk because you will be hesitant to go through the difficulties of divorce once your assets are tied up.

- a person who lies about something as critical as finances
- who is an adult but relying on a parent to care for them financially
- who always seems to be running into financial difficulties, especially with credit cards
- enough so that you get this story about his mom's card (how do you know that's not another lie?)

I listened to the excuses and the lies, accepted the "reasons" not because I didn't feel the twinge of fear underneath, but because I was afraid to be alone.

I gained the most wonderful son out of the union, a child I would not trade. But make no mistake, please listen to me:

- the lies continued
- the financial subterfuge and overextensions continued
- the lies increased
- the financial nonsense increased until I had to take forcible charge as much as I could with another adult; on top of this I still deal with more lies, more financial nonsense, a few times to the point where I feared losing our home

Listen:


You CANNOT now, nor will you ever be able to control a person who doesn't want to be an adult about their financial responsibilities. They will agree and agree and agree -- and then do what they wish, and lie about it afterward, whether TO you, or ABOUT you.

You CANNOT now, nor will you ever be able to trust a person who willingly lies to you, no matter how recalcitrant they may pretend to be afterward, no matter the reassurances. This will NEVER change.

This person wants to get married as soon as possible because in their mind marriage will be "the big, magical change," and they believe on some level they will transform, become the person they would like to be. They believe they will change, become responsible, become respectable, become a better person -- all because they got married. That is NOT how people change.



You can end it now and deal with the loneliness you'll feel for a while (and you might, I don't know you, can't tell what kind of person you are), and also wonder whether you did the right thing, perhaps fear or regret it sometimes when the loneliness is at its worst.

Or you can be ten years into this and quietly wondering how your life got away from you, why you didn't listen to some stranger on the internet a decade ago.


It's a gamble either way. Err on the side of caution. You already know what you should do, you're just afraid to do it. There's no shame in that, but there is shame and regret in not making the wise decision you know you should make, now, when there's time to still make it, not later when you have to unmake it.

wow, you put a lot of thought in his post.


Keep it until the next time she posts the same topic.