Every Successful Relationship is Successful for the Same 10 Exact Reasons

[sportslover]

"Get good at fighting" is a very important piece of advice. Both relationships that I was in, I would blow up and lost my temper almost every time we fought, but I would also get made fun of and called names by my previous partners.

I hope to one day find someone who respects me and cares enough about my feelings to just walk away if things get that heated and apologize if they say something nasty. Neither one of my previous two partners EVER apologized for hurting me.

[NewYorker11356]

Originally Posted by DeCastro

"Get good at fighting" is a very important piece of advice. Both relationships that I was in, I would blow up and lost my temper almost every time we fought, but I would also get made fun of and called names by my previous partners.

I hope to one day find someone who respects me and cares enough about my feelings to just walk away if things get that heated and apologize if they say something nasty. Neither one of my previous two partners EVER apologized for hurting me.

I don't understand this thing where you have to learn how to fight in a relationship.

Disagreeing and actually talking about it like adults is one thing, I think this happens in even the best of relationships, but actual fighting and screaming? The latter can't possibly be the sign of a healthy relationship.

[sportslover]

Originally Posted by NewYorker11356

I don't understand this thing where you have to learn how to fight in a relationship.

Disagreeing and actually talking about it like adults is one thing, I think this happens in even the best of relationships, but actual fighting and screaming? The latter can't possibly be the sign of a healthy relationship.

Yeah, but relationships just don't work that smoothly. I thought all couples fight...at least, that's what I been taught. I guess I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like.

[Raena77]

I think fighting and talking it out to understand each other's perspectives is very healthy.

[NicholasAB]

In a few months I will be a divorced so I can tell you firsthand that this advice is pretty spot on. While I wouldn't describe our 10+ year relationship (Married 8+ years and w/ 2 kids together) as tumultuous or bad, there were some glaring red flags that became more pronounced in the past several months to a year leading up to our decision to part ways. I'll highlight a few below:


2. Having realistic expectations. I thought the one really interesting example is realizing that someone else can not make you happy and be your entire world.

THIS, x 1,000. My soon to be ex seemed to have very unrealistic expectations of what I could realistically provide and just how happy and engaged we should be with one another. She always made me feel responsible for her own (un)happiness. I thought it was just post-partum depression, but it grew worse and became unbearable. She would talk about being trapped and how all her dreams have been shattered due to the responsibility and pressure of being a mother and wife. It really sucked because I was pretty happy - all things considered - and was perplexed that she too didn't feel the contentment I felt.

3. Respecting each other. >>> I believe this should go without saying in any relationship regardless of marital status.

4. Openly talking about everything, even if it hurts.

She complained a lot how I wasn't good at communication. Meanwhile in every other relationship I've been in, I was always praised for my attentiveness and good listening ability. The problem was, she began to complain over and over again about the same issues and these were issues I had very little control over.

5. A healthy and happy relationship requires two happy and healthy individuals. Key point being each person needs their own identity, interests, and perspective. Don't give up the person you are or expect your partner to.

I touched on this one above. My wife became increasingly unhappy and refused to seek out help for her depression. She also repressed a side of her that was a complete secret to me.

6. Give each other space. This seems to go with number 5 really. Fear of giving someone space is a type of control.

This is huge for me. I thought we actually did a lot together as a couple - more so than a lot of couples I know. However, she felt we had too much distance between one another.

7. Embrace that you and your partner will change in time. People grow and change over time. Good relationships grow to accept the change.

8. Be good at fighting (in other words, you will butt heads, be respectful of each other and don't be critical or defensive).

My wife was very (verbally) confrontational when upset and never hid her emotions. I've always been laid-back and prefer to avoid fights - not because I'm afraid - but simply because I prefer not to let my emotions get the best of me and I prefer to handle things in a calm, mature way. We did not fight well together. When I became more assertive and loud she acted like I was some sort of evil person - but yet she did it all the time. Also, when she would fight she would say some really hurtful/spiteful things that she knew would drive me over the edge. I certainly will not miss fighting with her.

9. Be good at forgiving. See #8, you are going to disagree. Learn to forgive as well.

We were both pretty good at this at least.

10. Sex matters. Sex will vary with couples and individuals. It's important that both people feel sexually satisfied.

Surprisingly, we were okay with this until much further along in the marriage (at least I thought so). She increasingly made it seem like it was a privilege I had to earn. We had it more often than some of my friends who are married with kids, but it always lacked that excitement.

Our marriage was doomed from the start though. I had no clue and neither did anyone else, but....she eventually revealed to me after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids in that she is a lesbian and has to live life as one. I could have been the perfect husband and it wouldn't have made a difference. Sometimes, unfortunately, that's just the way life goes.