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I NEVER liked opposite-gendered friendships, esp. when 1 or both of the people are married. Once you're married, that should really stop because the spouse becomes THE MOST important person in that person's life, so there should be no need to confide in, cry on each other's shoulders, tell each other's innermost secrets, etc. OR anything even a lot more minor than that to anyone who's NOT your spouse. There's no use nor point. That's what spouses are for...to be EACH OTHER'S BEST FRIEND, their rock, their partner in life, etc. And I don't care if the "friend" lives in another country OR around the corner, it's really NOT good.
I'm so incredibly glad my fiance' & I never dealt w/ this!!! Not because we just didn't have opposite-gendered friends while we're dating, but neither of us believes in that.
OP, you should have really discussed this extremely seriously w/ him BEFORE you got married 4 yrs ago & not just hoped it had gone away because it's only going to get worse & he obviously can't let her go because he keeps on doing it now & EVERY HOUR throughout the day is definitely, definitely uncalled for! Heck, he NEEDS to just drop this friendship altogether permanently!!! He's technically putting her in a HIGHER importance than YOU because he can't respect you & end this friendship once & for all.
I wouldn't have even married someone who felt that they MUST have or keep their female friend. Not only is it disrespectful, but it puts doubt in the mind of the other spouse. You'll always be wondering & worrying about if he's going to cross the line, will he start to like her romantically or vice versa, & a whole set of those kinds of legit problems.
Even if you talked to him & he says he'll stop, how do you know he's really stopped? You don't know. He'll just tell you what he wants you to hear. Two partners who are about to marry MUST have the same opinion about this kind of issue, otherwise, there will always be misery in the marriage.
I don't know how you'll get him to change if it's not within his character to do so.
My current husband and I have been married 15 yrs. I was 44, and he was 45. It is/was ridiculous to think that either of us didn't have friends before we met, or that we'd give up our friends when we married.
My husband happens to have a couple of female friends, and frankly, I don't know how often he talks to them, and I don't care. Because I know what we have at home. Actually, one of the friends...I think I'M probably closer to her now, than he is. We get along pretty well.
I have a male friend at work. Some might say he's my work husband. We 'talk' (mostly through email) nearly everyday, and sometimes, it's a running dialogue that goes all day. But it stays at work. We're not chatting on the weekends, not bitching about spouses...etc. As a matter of fact, he's crazy about his wife, and she's quite the looker. I always say she has angel hair. Gorgeous blonde curly locks.
I'd be very sad if my husband asked me to stop being friends with my friend. BUT...I don't think that will ever happen, because I think my husband and I realize that there have to be healthy boundaries, AND you just have to have an element of trust. The evidence of the trust is how we treat each other.
And by disagreeing with me, are you saying that it is cool for her to snoop on him?
Oh we know what he is doing, he is corresponding with another woman through social media more times than he does with his own WIFE!! And he doesn't care what his wife thinks. My guess is he doesn't.
The ball lies in her court whether to leave him or not because it doesn't look like it's going to change.
I spoke to my husband and we had a conversation about everything. It was nice to get it all off my chest, and he listened to what I had to say and i listened to what he had to say. We agreed on a compromise and are working on rebuilding the trust we have for eachother.
Well, OP, you're partly to blame. You did say you were aware that he has always been like this. Talking to girls who I bet he has not even met in person. including this 'long time friend'. LOL.
I would not even married this loser. If you did not like it when you were not married, why even marry him? It seems to me, this guy won't change. He felt the need to do this in his life for whatever weird reason. And there is no way in hell I will put up with it or try to change him coz I know that will never happen. I would just leave him to be honest. It would have been easier if you did not marry him but you did, now look what have you done to yourself.
I read that you made a compromise, not gonna lie, I bet it would not last. If he went back to his way of life which is talking to strangers online. Then, I hope you know what to do. Dump his arse.
What if you had a beer with her every day, and your wife wasn't included?? She might at some point mind. And if she doesn't, you're a lucky man!!
Actually, I'm fairly certain that unless it took away from our quality time together, my wife couldn't begin to give a you-know-what. Much like she wouldn't mind if the guys from work and I went to happy hour after closing time on a daily basis. She happens to trust me and I've done nothing to suggest this trust is undeserved.
But a beer every day might be a bit tough on the ol' belt line, anyways (not to mention the family budget).
I answered your question. You haven't been here long enough to make a valid assessment.
You're quite right, I haven't and that's why I asked the question, which you did answer, thank you. However, I didn't ask the question just to ask the question. As OP has pointed out, I do have a lot of time on my hands - enough to count the people responding in this thread and gauge their response. Approximately thirty unique people responded here. Of them more than half thought one or more of the following was warranted based on incomplete, one-sided and biased information:
- Snooping
- Ultimatums
- Other forms of control
- Dumping the guy
All I wanted to find out was whether or not this was normal M.O. for this subforum or if this thread was an outlier.
The rest is just noise - if there's an issue with me and TOS, I'm sure the mods will be more than happy to inform me of the fact.
Last edited by highlanderfil; 02-20-2018 at 09:43 AM..
You're quite right, I haven't and that's why I asked the question, which you did answer, thank you. However, I didn't ask the question just to ask the question. As OP has pointed out, I do have a lot of time on my hands - enough to count the people responding in this thread and gauge their response. Approximately thirty unique people responded here. Of them more than half thought one or more of the following was warranted based on incomplete, one-sided and biased information:
- Snooping
- Ultimatums
- Controlling
- Dumping the guy
All I wanted to find out was whether or not this was normal M.O. for this subforum or if this thread was an outlier.
Yes, this is a normal M.O. for this subforum, mainly the from female posters. The advise typically involves recommendation for "communicating"/counseling followed by break up/divorce. But this is still a very entertaining sub forum. And in all fairness, it is hard to give a much better advice on an anonymous forum.
And in all fairness, it is hard to give a much better advice on an anonymous forum.
This is true, which is why I tried to temper mine as much as possible by all the unknowns. But there was enough jumping to conclusions here to put the Olympics to shame.
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