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My husband and I are college sweethearts and after college we decided to get married. We have now been married for almost 2 years now, and we have a 10 month old daughter. We bought a house before we got married and life was great. But now that we have a child it has really changed our financial situation and my emotional situation. My husband is working 3 part times jobs (yes, THREE) and we hardly ever see him and when we do he is so drained. I work one full time job while my daughter goes to daycare. Neither one of us is from where we are currently living, therefore we don't have any family support in our town. My family is very supportive and come to help out when they can but that helps only on the weekends occasionally. The 2 friends I do have have their own lives and I don't expect them to come around often. I have recently asked my husband to consider moving to my home town where we will have an enormous amount of help and cost of living is cheaper and more job opportunities. Every time I bring the topic up it starts an argument. I don't think what I am asking is unreasonable. We have been struggling financially barely making ends meet, and he still is being stubborn and doesn't want to move. I am fed up, we don't have any intimacy, we hardly ever see him because he is working so much. It is literally frustrating because I know our lives would be much better if we were to pack up and move. I recently saw a job opening that I am qualified for making triple of what I currently make. I asked my husband could I apply and he shut down and completely ignored me. He is horrible at communicating and all i wanted was to have his honest opinion. I am to the point where I have completely disengaged myself from our marriage and I only focus on my daughter. As sad as this may sound, i thinking of applying and if I get the job. Just move without him and hope he sees how serious I am. I want my marriage to work and I want my family together but I can't live unhappy. Any thoughts on how I should handle the situation? Oh and when I mentioned this to his parents his mom's response was all marriages have struggles, you should be lucky you have a man that is willing to work. Oh and you are fortunate to not have a man that allows you to be all in his face talking about what he should do. Because most men would beat their womans a** or cuss them out. Thoughts please?
OP, please in the future, organize your long posts into paragraphs. Not everyone's willing to read a wall of text.
You should apply for that job. If it's offered to you, then you can make a decision. But at least work on opening that door.
Your husband doesn't recognize that he's struggling, and that working 3 jobs isn't normal? And that his chances for a more standard work schedule (and with it--improved QOL) would increase tremendously, by moving?
Were there any instances when you were dating or engaged, when he displayed a complete inability, or refusal, to discuss issues, or listen to reason? Why is he so attached to your current place of residence?
I would suggest you tell him this is important for his future health, and the future well-being of the family and the marriage, and suggest marriage counseling. The fact that he won't even discuss the issue is very concerning. If he refuses to go, you'll have your answer. You may also have a job earning 3 times what you now make, in a city that costs less to live in, and offers you a lot more support with child-care than what you now have. What's not to like?
Of course it would be very sad if opting for all those positives results in the marriage breaking up, but if he digs in his heels, you'll have little choice. You need to do what's best for you and the child. The marriage would likely break up eventually anyway, the way things are going.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you two got married too young. You even bought a house before you were married. That's really jumping the gun. Sounds like you both were over-eager to start adult life, if you see what I mean. And it didn't work out.
You have your head screwed on right, with this issue, though, and you sound like a winner. Do apply for that job, then take things from there.
Also: please see a lawyer, to inform yourself of potential liabilities and benefits involved with the timing of filing divorce papers. Just to get information. For example, if you file for divorce AFTER moving and settling into your new job, at your new salary, you may owe your husband alimony, if you end up making more than he does, and dividing up current assets may play out differently. Please get this information ASAP, to help you decide how to proceed.
- So, you are both college graduates. Does he see one of these part time jobs resulting in upward mobility? Is that why he doesn't want to move? Maybe he thinks things are going to improve over time.
- Will this move result in you being farther from his family? Is this one of his objections?
- What does he say are his objections to the move?
Observations:
- His mom sounds like a real peach. Maybe this is why he is horrible at communicating.
- Applying for the job without getting his buy-off is a horrible idea, unless you are ready to end the marriage. You cannot force something like this. Then you will be as bad at communication as he is.
- So, you are both college graduates. Does he see one of these part time jobs resulting in upward mobility? Is that why he doesn't want to move? Maybe he thinks things are going to improve over time.
- Will this move result in you being farther from his family? Is this one of his objections?
- What does he say are his objections to the move?
Observations:
- His mom sounds like a real peach. Maybe this is why he is horrible at communicating.
- Applying for the job without getting his buy-off is a horrible idea, unless you are ready to end the marriage. You cannot force something like this. Then you will be as bad at communication as he is.
I got the impression from the OP's narrative, that he hasn't communicated with her on the topic, so she doesn't know his objections. He hasn't stated what's on his mind. That's no way to carry on a marriage.
I got the impression from the OP's narrative, that he hasn't communicated with her on the topic, so she doesn't know his objections. He hasn't stated what's on his mind. That's no way to carry on a marriage.
I thought maybe she was deliberately only sharing her side of the story. You're right, if that's the case, the marriage is doomed.
My husband and I are college sweethearts and after college we decided to get married. We have now been married for almost 2 years now, and we have a 10 month old daughter.
We bought a house before we got married and life was great. But now that we have a child it has really changed our financial situation and my emotional situation.
My husband is working 3 part times jobs (yes, THREE) and we hardly ever see him and when we do he is so drained. I work one full time job while my daughter goes to daycare.
Neither one of us is from where we are currently living, therefore we don't have any family support in our town.
My family is very supportive and come to help out when they can but that helps only on the weekends occasionally. The 2 friends I do have have their own lives and I don't expect them to come around often.
I have recently asked my husband to consider moving to my home town where we will have an enormous amount of help and cost of living is cheaper and more job opportunities. Every time I bring the topic up it starts an argument. I don't think what I am asking is unreasonable.
We have been struggling financially barely making ends meet, and he still is being stubborn and doesn't want to move. I am fed up, we don't have any intimacy, we hardly ever see him because he is working so much. It is literally frustrating because I know our lives would be much better if we were to pack up and move.
I recently saw a job opening that I am qualified for making triple of what I currently make. I asked my husband could I apply and he shut down and completely ignored me. He is horrible at communicating and all i wanted was to have his honest opinion.
I am to the point where I have completely disengaged myself from our marriage and I only focus on my daughter. As sad as this may sound, i thinking of applying and if I get the job. Just move without him and hope he sees how serious I am.
I want my marriage to work and I want my family together but I can't live unhappy. Any thoughts on how I should handle the situation?
Oh and when I mentioned this to his parents his mom's response was all marriages have struggles, you should be lucky you have a man that is willing to work. Oh and you are fortunate to not have a man that allows you to be all in his face talking about what he should do. Because most men would beat their womans a** or cuss them out. Thoughts please?
Thanks for the info, this is my first time ever writing on a forum.
All of the things you questioned I have asked him, I have also shared with him that his health comes first. He even fell asleep while driving but he did not have an accident.
We bought the house because where we live I got a low APR and the apartments are extremely expensive. Our mortgage is more affordable than an apartment.
And when we were dating we always communicated with one another, he has always been the kind of guy to be non confrontational.
- So, you are both college graduates. Does he see one of these part time jobs resulting in upward mobility? Is that why he doesn't want to move? Maybe he thinks things are going to improve over time.
- Will this move result in you being farther from his family? Is this one of his objections?
- What does he say are his objections to the move?
Observations:
- His mom sounds like a real peach. Maybe this is why he is horrible at communicating.
- Applying for the job without getting his buy-off is a horrible idea, unless you are ready to end the marriage. You cannot force something like this. Then you will be as bad at communication as he is.
I graduated and he did not.
He has been working for a well known delivery company I wont disclose for 5 years in the warehouse with hope of becoming a driver. He went to driving school but failed the test. So he has to wait until the next position to drive opens up. There is no guarantee how long that will be.
I think he doesn't want to move because he will feel like he can't provide for his wife and child. He will feel less of a man.
Could this be about his pride? He didn't finish school and has scraped together three part-time jobs, but you did finish school and apparently have the potential to land a good job from a distance. He might feel like the move would be a comment on his inability to live up to a certain role. If the move is for your job and he isn't keeping a similar pace, he might feel like you're carrying him.
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