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Of course you have to be physically attracted. They key is this: Not all physical attraction happens from just looking at a person from afar. A person can think someone is good looking and get to know them, or interacts with them, and then find them physically unattractive or repulsive. More importantly, individuals can interact and get to know someone that they wouldn't have glanced twice at and find them incredibly physically attractive.
It think that's what frustrates so many people here, is there is a contingent of inexperienced relationship people on here that seem to think if you don't just look at someone and immediately find them physically desirable then that's it, there is no physical attraction and that is the end of the story. That is really not the case. Chemistry can affect physical attraction, humor can create physical attraction, charisma can create physical attraction, as can love.
I know attraction works for me..I don't have to find a women gorgeous at first glance she could be ok or average but if I find her unattractive nothing can change that.
Everyone has a threshold of what they can tolerate..
As far as this comment:
" It think that's what frustrates so many people here, is there is a contingent of inexperienced relationship people on here that seem to think if you don't just look at someone and immediately find them physically desirable then that's it, there is no physical attraction and that is the end of the story. That is really not the case. Chemistry can affect physical attraction, humor can create physical attraction, charisma can create physical attraction, as can love"
It didn't work for me with my friend so why should I think other women operate any differently then her attraction wise?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980
It didn't work for me with my friend so why should I think other women operate any differently then her attraction wise?
Why should you think that? Seriously? That was one person at one time. Do you think all people are the same? All experiences are the same? All people and relationships and interactions are the same? You were attracted to her, fine. You got along well, fine. There wasn't the chemistry needed her for it to be more. That is clear. It happens. A lot.
People are individuals. I can meet 10 women and be who I am, 8 won't care for me, 1 may like me as a friend, 1 may like me in an intimate way. Who cares about the 8? I care about the connection with the 2.
Stop harping on this one encounter. Move on. Make more connections.
I know attraction works for me..I don't have to find a women gorgeous at first glance she could be ok or average but if I find her unattractive nothing can change that.
Let me tell you a story.
Man that has said to me
"I think I'm becoming obssessed with you" and "You're especially pretty when you smile like that" and "You are so goddamn sexy" and "I can't keep my mind off you"..........
is the same man that told me, after we got to know each other and he had said all those things, "You know, the first couple of times we met, I didn't even really like you very much. You turned me right off."
We did have mutual friends so kept running into each other socially.
That's more extreme than usual but it makes the point that it doesn't need to happen right off.
Why should you think that? Seriously? That was one person at one time. Do you think all people are the same? All experiences are the same? All people and relationships and interactions are the same? You were attracted to her, fine. You got along well, fine. There wasn't the chemistry needed her for it to be more. That is clear. It happens. A lot.
People are individuals. I can meet 10 women and be who I am, 8 won't care for me, 1 may like me as a friend, 1 may like me in an intimate way. Who cares about the 8? I care about the connection with the 2.
Stop harping on this one encounter. Move on. Make more connections.
I don't think it was lack of chemistry with my friend I think it was lack of physical attraction on her end imo..I could be wrong but that's what I think
As far as connections it's harder and harder at my age..all my friends are pretty much married with kids..
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980
I don't think it was lack of chemistry with my friend I think it was lack of physical attraction on her end imo..I could be wrong but that's what I think
As far as connections it's harder and harder at my age..all my friends are pretty much married with kids..
I'm 46. There is no problem making new connections unless you choose there to be. You can make new connections every single week (unless you're in tiny population area).
And again, she is just one person. One out of many. Just keep going.
And if you think you're not physically attractive enough, change that. I get it. We had a thread on insecurities recently. My insecurities are mostly about my looks and body. They will always be there at some level, but I work to address them. Starting in my early 30s I forced myself to make working out a daily thing, having a good physique can be huge for self confidence and also positively impact how people react to you (but the self confidence is the more important component). Be exercising at least 6x a week. Running, lifting, more running, more lifting, crossfit, pilates, whatever floats your boat... Just do it. Do not stop. Ever. I hate every second (especially running, God, I hate running, especially in 15 degree weather), but I still do it. It has to become part of your lifestyle. No excuses.
I'm 46. There is no problem making new connections unless you choose there to be. You can make new connections every single week (unless you're in tiny population area).
And again, she is just one person. One out of many. Just keep going.
And if you think you're not physically attractive enough, change that. I get it. We had a thread on insecurities recently. My insecurities are mostly about my looks and body. They will always be there at some level, but I work to address them. Starting in my early 30s I forced myself to make working out a daily thing, having a good physique can be huge for self confidence and also positively impact how people react to you (but the self confidence is the more important component). Be exercising at least 6x a week. Running, lifting, more running, more lifting, crossfit, pilates, whatever floats your boat... Just do it. Do not stop. Ever. I hate every second (especially running, God, I hate running, especially in 15 degree weather), but I still do it. It has to become part of your lifestyle. No excuses.
I'm not insecure about my physique it's more my face..
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980
I'm not insecure about my physique it's more my face..
Well if you're going to invest energy into things you can't control, then you're going to waste a lot of energy in this world.
Have you ever heard of the Serenity Prayer? I'm not religious/superstitious as all, but there is much wisdom here:
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
If you can't control it, let it go. Don't put energy into it. Put your energy into what you can control.
I know attraction works for me..I don't have to find a women gorgeous at first glance she could be ok or average but if I find her unattractive nothing can change that.
Everyone has a threshold of what they can tolerate..
As far as this comment:
" It think that's what frustrates so many people here, is there is a contingent of inexperienced relationship people on here that seem to think if you don't just look at someone and immediately find them physically desirable then that's it, there is no physical attraction and that is the end of the story. That is really not the case. Chemistry can affect physical attraction, humor can create physical attraction, charisma can create physical attraction, as can love"
It didn't work for me with my friend so why should I think other women operate any differently then her attraction wise?
That's more of what's frustrating, JBT, about your take on this. Timberline's comment in bold explains how attraction can evolve. All those things can affect how attractive someone is or becomes, but that doesn't mean they will. He was just explaining that you can immediately find someone attractive, or attraction can grow based on those qualities he listed, plus some others that have nothing to do with looks. But those things don't make attraction happen; they just make it possible.
It wasn't going to happen with your friend. That doesn't mean it won't with another woman.
Here's the thing people may not have said directly. I suspect that you're not conventionally attractive. I'm not, and lots of people aren't. Unless we just happen to be someone's type, we typically grow on the people who find us attractive. That's what timberline is referring to. You seem to understand this concept well enough to have hoped it would happen with your friend. What you don't seem willing to do is to let it happen to you. To talk to and date women you like as people, and to see if you develop more sexual attraction for them. If you meet a woman whose looks are so so in your opinion, but after a few dates you hang on her every word and you desperately want to kiss her, you're there. What could possibly be wrong with or missing from that scenario?
You seem to hope women give you the opportunity to become attractive to them. Are you willing to give women that same opportunity?
That's more of what's frustrating, JBT, about your take on this. Timberline's comment in bold explains how attraction can evolve. All those things can affect how attractive someone is or becomes, but that doesn't mean they will. He was just explaining that you can immediately find someone attractive, or attraction can grow based on those qualities he listed, plus some others that have nothing to do with looks. But those things don't make attraction happen; they just make it possible.
It wasn't going to happen with your friend. That doesn't mean it won't with another woman.
Here's the thing people may not have said directly. I suspect that you're not conventionally attractive. I'm not, and lots of people aren't. Unless we just happen to be someone's type, we typically grow on the people who find us attractive. That's what timberline is referring to. You seem to understand this concept well enough to have hoped it would happen with your friend. What you don't seem willing to do is to let it happen to you. To talk to and date women you like as people, and to see if you develop more sexual attraction for them. If you meet a woman whose looks are so so in your opinion, but after a few dates you hang on her every word and you desperately want to kiss her, you're there. What could possibly be wrong with or missing from that scenario?
You seem to hope women give you the opportunity to become attractive to them. Are you willing to give women that same opportunity?
You're acting like im turning down all these women who aren't attractive when those opportunities aren't there either..just like me there's a lot of women out there even the not so hot ones who need some physical attraction and aren't attracted to me either..
I think you and others are under the impression I'm only attracted to very hot women which couldn't be further from the truth..I'm attracted to a lot of different types and my threshold of what I can tolerate is pretty big..
All I said is there are some women who I know from the beginning it would never be possible to get an erection from to be frank about it.. I would be wasting my and her time by even trying with someone like that..
Typing at the same time, JBT. Don't miss my post #460
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