Open relationships? [MERGED] (dating, wife, long-term, married)
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I was wondering how do open relationships work? Is it okay to get attached to the other person? Do people normally post pictures with their bf/gf on social media of whom they are in an open relationship with?
Last edited by PJSaturn; 03-13-2018 at 09:34 AM..
Reason: Merged in new thread with duplicate topic.
I was wondering how do open relationships work? Is it okay to get attached to the other person? Do people normally post pictures with their bf/gf on social media of whom they are in an open relationship with?
They work in whatever way the people in the relationship make them work. Or not. Often they fail with spectacular drama. I say this as someone who knows many people who do this, and who was poly (but not exactly in an "open relationship" but a different configuration.)
Some couples try to open with the rule that no feelings for other partners are allowed. This is not realistic. Most people have at least the capacity to "fall for" someone they are having regular sex & companionship with, even if they intend not to. Poly folks call this "legislating emotions." It tends to not work.
The other huge mistake many make, is when one partner wants an open relationship, and the other really does not, but goes along with it because it's either that, or losing their spouse. That's agreeing to something under duress. Tends to work out horribly for all involved.
Rules about what gets posted on social media, need to be talked about and negotiated by the people involved. There is no polyamory parliament that makes rules for this sort of thing.
I was wondering how do open relationships work? Is it okay to get attached to the other person? Do people normally post pictures with their bf/gf on social media of whom they are in an open relationship with?
The point of an open relationship is being honest with you SO. The only successful and long running ones that I know of were married people with kids. They didn't play their partner for a fool by lying to them about seeing other people, but they also didn't rub their nose in it either.
Any people you go on dates with, or see on your separate vacation, are not paraded around kids and family. They are kept separate. You don't post their pics on FB and stupid kid stuff like that.
I honestly think you have to be pretty special to make an open relationship work. If you haven't been at least partially successful with an exclusive relationship, I'd forget about attempting an open relationship altogether. It requires a maturity level that, quite frankly, most of us just don't possess.
I was wondering how do open relationships work? Is it okay to get attached to the other person? Do people normally post pictures with their bf/gf on social media of whom they are in an open relationship with?
As with any other type of relationship, it is up to those that enter it to author what it means to them. So what others may do or not do can vary from couple to couple.
In my case, social media wasn't really prevalent but we considered ourselves as bf/gf committed to each other's happiness while those outside of our relationship were considered simply as friends... some we were intimate with and many we were not. We were in constant communication with each other to remain within each others comfort zone... respect went both ways. We were completely transparent with whom we shared pleasure with.
Unlike other couples we knew (swingers of sort), we didn't trade partners and didn't participate as a couple. I had my FWB and she had hers. Despite what others may believe of us, we didn't bed just anyone.... we were fairly selective.
Whew, honestly, to me this sounds like a great situation (I've asked...the answer was no) but realistically I've never seen it work out well anyway. Randomly on the internet I've heard a person or two say they have done this and it was all totally fine and nobody got hurt. But...I don't know. Feelings happen...it can be unequal and resentments may happen...I feel like the idea of this may be better than the reality, similar to the idea of long-term FWB.
The point of an open relationship is being honest with you SO. The only successful and long running ones that I know of were married people with kids. They didn't play their partner for a fool by lying to them about seeing other people, but they also didn't rub their nose in it either.
Any people you go on dates with, or see on your separate vacation, are not paraded around kids and family. They are kept separate. You don't post their pics on FB and stupid kid stuff like that.
I honestly think you have to be pretty special to make an open relationship work. If you haven't been at least partially successful with an exclusive relationship, I'd forget about attempting an open relationship altogether. It requires a maturity level that, quite frankly, most of us just don't possess.
I've seen some pretty mature and enlightened souls making it work, and I've seen some who were not, and I've seen some who were just so very libertine (both partners) that their hedonistic tendencies were stronger than their jealous ones. Some people may even have a kink where they LIKE to share.
So much variance.
It can be hard to date as a unified couple. The whole "unicorn hunting" thing, often doesn't work, and there are plenty of reasons for that, but it's a lengthy subject to write about. If you want to know why a couple seeking a bi woman to be with both of them often fails, just google the term in quotes above. You'll get plenty.
Partners dating separately often works. The key is not to prevent people from having feelings for an outside partner, but to accept that they do and it's ok. It doesn't mean you're losing them. The way the poly writings describe it, if you're a parent, and you have a second baby, do you then not love your first child because of all the love you feel for the second one? The idea is that it's possible and ok to love more than one person.
Not everyone can deal with that. And that's fine. Not everyone should ever have to.
I do get really annoyed by some articles I saw floating around out there, one titled something like "Polyamory is the Future of Relationships" or some such, and that's nonsense. I wish people would let go of the fear that accepting something means one day everyone will be doing it and they'll be expected to as well. That's not how it works. Poly/open/swinger stuff...I don't see it ever being "the norm."
I liked being poly for a while, it was good and fun. Just got to be too much for me. Love might be infinite; time and energy and money, aren't.
Even after being in one, I too would agree.. It won't ever be the norm.
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