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Haven't you just been dating two or three weeks? You are not her husband, you are not her fiancé, heck, I never even called someone that I was dating for a few weeks "my boyfriend".
There is absolutely no reason that she should expect you to visit her in the hospital every single day. Heck, most people who were casually dating someone for a couple of weeks might visit someone in the hospital one time if they visited them at all.
IMHO, this relationship is really screwed up. She is FAR, FAR too dependent on you for the short time that you have been dating. And, you are FAR, FAR too attached to her and her family for only knowing her such a short time. I just shook my head in amazement when you were thinking about asking your grandfather to fix things at her parent's house. That is something that might happen when you are friends for many years, or married or engaged, not for someone that you dated a handful of times.
Yeah, and no, IMO.
I don't know.
I'd been dating my husband for about two months when I was diagnosed with breast tumor that required surgical removal to determine pathology. I remember having a tearful conversation with him in a snowy hospital parking lot where I outlined that I didn't expect him to feel obligated to stick around if things went poorly; We'd only just started dating, and I didn't want him to feel like he was signing up for bedside vigils, treatments, etc., if it went that direction.
The next day, I had flowers and a card sent to my house stating that he was in it for the long haul, come what may, and that it wasn't an obligation, it was a choice, because he felt life was better with me as a part of it and hoped I felt the same. I'd already had the idea that he was the real deal, and that clinched it. About a year later, we were married, and that health issue resolved.
The OP is looking at an even shorter period of time to decide you're "all in" on medical situations, true. And the person who is ill in this situation is NOT giving signs of being anything other than a very, very needy person in a bad situation, with "caregivers" who appear not to be heavy on the "care" end of that equation. So it's not really the same. But I still feel compelled to note that, yeah, health emergencies early on in a relationship are game changers, but sometimes, it can make people really deeply assess what it is that they want and can deepen the relationship. I really don't know that that's the case, here, though.
I'm not planning "to bail." She represented herself as having reasonably slow days and in a wheelchair, but still able to keep up with the pace of normal life, even if she couldn't physically do "the movements." I could handle that. It takes five to ten seconds to collapse the chair, and a few more to load it into the car. It's not a huge problem.
"Bad days" and even being in the wheelchair are a different kettle of fish than basically incapacitated at a hospital for a week, repeated monthly. I didn't know that. On the days she felt better, I could barely get a word in edgewise. I've listened for the vast majority of the last two weeks and haven't been able to say much.
Maybe I should have done more due diligence. She didn't represent herself as someone as in this bad of health initially. I'm not blaming her. We had a very good Saturday two weeks ago. This Saturday, she's basically asleep and out of it at the hospital.
I'm not going to abandon her on this hospital stay. Unless she demands something, I plan on being there for her until at least she's out of the hospital, stabilized, and back on some sort of regular arrangement. I just can't handle these repeated, lengthy hospital stays. I had no clue I was getting into anything this serious.
The above is why you go slowly into ANY relationship, and even more so with a person especially vulnerable and alone. EVERYONE presents themselves in their best light in the beginning. You don't know the meaning of slow, but it is certainly not defined by swooping in and taking over her health care and involving yourself in family dynamics. Slow is a date or two a week where you go get her, take her out, take her home and call her in a couple of days.
You seemed much more concerned with what you might want or not versus taking any steps to protect her from relying on you before you were actually committed.
I'd been dating my husband for about two months when I was diagnosed with breast tumor that required surgical removal to determine pathology. I remember having a tearful conversation with him in a snowy hospital parking lot where I outlined that I didn't expect him to feel obligated to stick around if things went poorly; We'd only just started dating, and I didn't want him to feel like he was signing up for bedside vigils, treatments, etc., if it went that direction.
The next day, I had flowers and a card sent to my house stating that he was in it for the long haul, come what may, and that it wasn't an obligation, it was a choice, because he felt life was better with me as a part of it and hoped I felt the same. I'd already had the idea that he was the real deal, and that clinched it. About a year later, we were married, and that health issue resolved.
The OP is looking at an even shorter period of time to decide you're "all in" on medical situations, true. And the person who is ill in this situation is NOT giving signs of being anything other than a very, very needy person in a bad situation, with "caregivers" who appear not to be heavy on the "care" end of that equation. So it's not really the same. But I still feel compelled to note that, yeah, health emergencies early on in a relationship are game changers, but sometimes, it can make people really deeply assess what it is that they want and can deepen the relationship. I really don't know that that's the case, here, though.
That is wonderful that your boyfriend really stepped up. But, dating for two months, IMHO, is A LOT longer than dating two or three weeks (I'm confused about how long it was).
I know that they had one or two actual dates, and he went to her house once or twice, maybethree times. IMHO, most people wouldn't even classify a handful of dates as being boyfriend-girlfriend.
I'm not planning "to bail."...I plan on being there for her until at least she's out of the hospital, stabilized, and back on some sort of regular arrangement...
That's very kind and considerate of you. She's very fortunate in having befriended you.
On another note, I'm puzzled as what "on some sort of regular arrangement" means - arrangement of what is the question but no big deal if you chose not to divulge further.
Well, of course you were! Nobody in her situation is going to put all that depressing stuff online. That's what you have to be really careful with online dating. She had nothing to lose. But you have a lot to lose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation
I figured we might be able to have a somewhat normal relationship, even with her in the wheelchair.
Nope, you're not going to ever have anything that resembles a normal relationship, short of something supernatual happening. You really need to drop that illusion right now. I just think you must be really desperate. Is all of this really worth it? It's not going to change or get easier, so get that out of your head.
It seems weird that someone so sick and disabled would be trolling for dates on Tinder.
It is definitely weird, but hey, she had nothing to lose. She hit the jackpot here with SeriousConversation...might as well enjoy it for all it's worth.
Haven't you just been dating two or three weeks? You are not her husband, you are not her fiancé, heck, I never even called someone that I was dating for a few weeks "my boyfriend".
There is absolutely no reason that she should expect you to visit her in the hospital every single day. Heck, most people who were casually dating someone for a couple of weeks might visit someone in the hospital one time if they visited them at all.
IMHO, this relationship is really screwed up. She is FAR, FAR too dependent on you for the short time that you have been dating. And, you are FAR, FAR too attached to her and her family for only knowing her such a short time. I just shook my head in amazement when you were thinking about asking your grandfather to fix things at her parent's house. That is something that might happen when you are friends for many years, or married or engaged, not for someone that you dated a handful of times.
No kidding.
SeriousConversation needs to have a serious conversation with himself to figure out what his rescuer complex is all about.
Life goes on, when you're not able to be out and about over time in social activities, most people will gradually move away from talking or seeing you. Only the truly dedicated will stick around. It's the same thing that parents experience once they age and are placed in a nursing home. Most loved ones and friends stop coming around the longer the person's stay in the facility.
This is sad but true.
We seem to have this weird dynamic in our culture. Because we're not community oriented, it always ends up being one or a very few people who shoulder the burden in these types of relationships. But if it's just one or a few people involved, they can totally burn out very easily.
Last edited by mysticaltyger; 04-01-2018 at 12:10 AM..
I'd been dating my husband for about two months when I was diagnosed with breast tumor that required surgical removal to determine pathology. I remember having a tearful conversation with him in a snowy hospital parking lot where I outlined that I didn't expect him to feel obligated to stick around if things went poorly; We'd only just started dating, and I didn't want him to feel like he was signing up for bedside vigils, treatments, etc., if it went that direction.
But see, that's the thing. You gave him the heads up about what was going on and said straight up that you'd understand if he bailed. This gal doesn't appear to be anywhere near that forthcoming about her life situation. Maybe she's not even honest with herself about it.
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Kind and considerate
