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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,940 posts, read 36,716,568 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I think that is good of you, Timberline, but unfortunately many men do. Or the other thing, when you have sex with a woman and you don't feel that you're "sexually compatible" then no man on earth tells her that (I mean, no person wants to tell a sex partner they did not enjoy sex with them, right? It's kind of mean) so if a man like you, got into bed with a woman like her, and you didn't feel you had the right kind of fireworks there, and then ended the relationship, she would be left feeling that you only used her for "easy" sex. Your reasons were different, but the result was, just as she was starting to feel something, you walked out of her life leaving her feeling used?
I don't know why you think why no men tells a woman this. Almost always, we're on the same page, and we do discuss it, and we're like "yeah, this isn't a good fit" and we move on. Sometimes we're friends, other times not.
I posted a snippet of a discussion I had with a woman I went out with, well, saw, a handful of times on the chat thread, and it was exactly that. She liked having sex with me, and talking to me, but "it" wasn't there for her, so we ended it. Very adult like, and healthily. She is a cool as heck, but the connection she was feeling (or lack thereof) wasn't what she was looking for.
I don't know why you think why no men tells a woman this. Almost always, we're on the same page, and we do discuss it, and we're like "yeah, this isn't a good fit" and we move on. Sometimes we're friends, other times not.
I posted a snippet of a discussion I had with a woman I went out with, well, saw, a handful of times on the chat thread, and it was exactly that. She liked having sex with me, and talking to me, but "it" wasn't there for her, so we ended it. Very adult like, and healthily. She is a cool as heck, but the connection she was feeling (or lack thereof) wasn't what she was looking for.
I was thinking in my head more like,
"Sorry, but you're just about the most boring lover I have ever had. It just is not worth my time to keep having sex with you. Painting my toenails is more exciting."
No one says that. Sometimes we might be thinking it though.
I have cited "our kinks do not align" as a reason not to entertain someone's romantic interest however. That's...sort of in the ballpark, I suppose.
I think that is good of you, Timberline, but unfortunately many men do. Or the other thing, when you have sex with a woman and you don't feel that you're "sexually compatible" then no man on earth tells her that (I mean, no person wants to tell a sex partner they did not enjoy sex with them, right? It's kind of mean) so if a man like you, got into bed with a woman like her, and you didn't feel you had the right kind of fireworks there, and then ended the relationship, she would be left feeling that you only used her for "easy" sex. Your reasons were different, but the result was, just as she was starting to feel something, you walked out of her life leaving her feeling used?
It's a tough world to date in, we all have our struggles. And sometimes the way a situation looks from one perspective, isn't the same as how it looks from another.
This is definitely something many women struggle with. Some men won't respect us if we don't play hard to get. If we don't make them wait, and earn it. Some men really are out to trick and use women, walking away like "yeah, I got one over on her, she believed I loved her, ha!" and on to the next. Then guys blame us for picking, or falling for, the wrong guy...like how would we know, when they lie to us? The only way to "know" or to do this "the right way" is to make him wait until we know he's the "kind of nice man who wants a commitment" and not a bad boy out to trick us into giving up the sex. We get these messages pounded into our brains from before puberty.
I've often felt like men really want women to be sexual, but they also want the right to punish us for it when we are. Just saying that can be how the relationship landscape feels sometimes, to a woman trying to navigate it.
Long story short, OP I feel for you. I firmly believe everyone should conduct their love life in whatever way works for them. The only suggestion I have is maybe you could let men know within a few dates, that you have a policy of waiting a while before making a relationship sexual, because it's important to you, to build a connection and know he respects you first. This can take time, and you would need a patient man. At least if a guy knows going in that it's your habit to wait, he'll know it's not just how you're treating HIM.
Aren't women better off without that guy, though? I would think a woman would want to know if a man had that kind of view of women and sex, and avoid him.
I think some guys do feel "oh, if she slept with me on the first date, she's not relationship material" (definitely not all, though,
I think the opposite actually. If a woman doesn't have sex with a guy on the first date or at least within the first few, then she's not passionate enough about him to be good girlfriend material for him. It means she can keep her hands off him. If she can keep her hands off of him then he's not LTR material for her, either.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,940 posts, read 36,716,568 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I was thinking in my head more like,
"Sorry, but you're just about the most boring lover I have ever had. It just is not worth my time to keep having sex with you. Painting my toenails is more exciting."
No one says that. Sometimes we might be thinking it though.
I have cited "our kinks do not align" as a reason not to entertain someone's romantic interest however. That's...sort of in the ballpark, I suppose.
Well, I doubt I would get to the point of sleeping with someone that didn't have overlapping compatibility, both profiles and discussions on dates would get to those issues.
I'm not talking about compatibility as much as energy, about sexual chemistry. Two people can have 100% overlapping sexual compatibility, find each other physically attractive, have good chemistry when spending time out and about, and no chemistry in the bedroom, at all. Or you can have good chemistry, or pretty good but not great chemistry, and there is no connection formed from the sex. I've had both those things happen recently, and been on both sides of both those things occurring.
It stinks, but you have to find things out as part of the dating process, and see if "it" is there before really investing a lot of your life into a relationship. To me (I understand not to everyone), this is a very fundamental part of dating, and I generally connect with people that view it similarly.
Aren't women better off without that guy, though? I would think a woman would want to know if a man had that kind of view of women and sex, and avoid him.
You don't think that way when you're trying to form a connection. I mean seriously LOOK at all of the early dating anxiety that brings people here.
"I just texted him, did I text him too soon? Should I text him again? It's been half an hour, is he ghosting me?? What did I do wrong?"
That last bit. Super common when a connection doesn't work out, to be asking oneself, "How did I mess this up?" Often enough it seems to be going so well...then suddenly, it isn't.
Have that happen to ya a few times, it's enough to make you feel like you have to be both a mind reader, and paranoid, and try to not do this or that "wrong" and mess it all up with the awesome new guy you hope THIS time will work out.
Man, that hot fling that ghosted me, I just could not believe I didn't mess that up until I found out he'd done the exact same routine with like 3 other women (that my friend and I know of) who were in similar life situations. And every one of us was left wondering what WE did wrong. He told all of us that it wasn't us, it was him, but that's hard to believe when so many times it's just something that people say.
The bottom line I came to in all this finagling, was that I can jump in quick, I can take it slow, that isn't what's important...what's important, is that frank talk is critical to me, and I cannot be in any relationship with a guy who spooks due to my forward speech, no matter what it is I'm trying to say. I'm just gonna say it. If you can't handle that, then I don't need ya. One example, I went on a date with a man. I told him that I found him very interesting and very attractive. But I said, "Look, I could happily jump in bed with you right now for a lovely romp and all, but I need to warn you that you aren't the kind of man I would be easy having a casual thing with. I would end up falling for you and it could happen quick. I just know. So if that bugs you...then we are best off just backing away slowly, maybe being friends." He opted to back it off to friends, he was not down for something so intense, and he said I was too "forward" for him. OK, well, good enough, not likely we'd have been compatible.
All I'm saying is that this stuff is not easy for women to figure out, and it's a bit of an emotional minefield. I get where the OP is coming from, have compassion for her in how she's feeling about all this. It's confusing at best.
No, a lot of guys don't just want to have sex, but they do want sex as part of a relationship.
You are playing games in a way "I'll not have sex so you don't leave me after we have sex", so instead, they leave you before.
Withholding does not equal relationship.
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OK but suppose she had sex by date #3 and the guy flaked out and disappeared. Let's say she got "had" that way a number of times. She's got a small child, and you all know how single Moms are judged when it appears their love life is this revolving door thing. No one wants to get her hopes up, have sex, and then have guys just ghost, and don't act like it doesn't happen. Of course it does. Especially with young people.
We're always told to "pick better men" so we don't get used like that, but how do you do that without taking it slow? I'm asking, seriously. How do you know, when guys are usually pretty happy to lie to get what they want?
She doesn't want to end up, 2 years later, and 25 new names on a list of sex partners, and judging herself and feeling judged for that.
I'm not saying her way is right, it certainly isn't how I chose to conduct things for the most part when I was dating, but I'm surprised people don't see where she is coming from, I guess.
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