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Old 04-09-2018, 06:44 AM
 
11 posts, read 11,740 times
Reputation: 44

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UPDATE: So it has been a few weeks now and I am just as confused as I was at the start. My wife still will not tell her sister and keeps getting upset with me that I will not just act normal around the BIL. For example, she placed me in a situation last weekend in which I had to bring my kids to his house(while his wife was there) and my wife would't be there. She then got upset when I told her I just made small talk and nothing else. Fast forward to this weekend and there was a family get together. We arrived first, I ate and then BIL family arrived. He never came into the dining room but sat and watched TV, wife told me to go outside and watch the kids.

We get in the car and she goes off on how I am ruing her life and family by not talking to him, how it is so noticeable to everyone that there is a problem. Why can't I just let it go and be normal. I explained that I was not the one who did anything wrong and that he chose not to come into the dining room, further it was her that told me to go outside. Needless to say, she stopped talking to me and went to bed early. This morning I told her that we need to go to couples counseling as this is not going to fly with me and we need a 3rd party opinion. She flipped out saying that the whole issue is me being weird around him and that I'm now the weird in-law and us not doing things with her family is not how she will live her life. I calmly explained(as she was screaming) that I have no problem doing things, but I can't figure out why I'm being blamed for someone else's actions. She then comments that her family is priority number 1 and that they will always have her back so she will stick with them over me. It took everything not comment back at that point, but all I was thinking was how her family is so important that she refuses to tell her sister that her husband told her he wanted to kiss her. I mean the logic is out of this world.

My intuition tells me that there is so much more then I was told or will be told. Hence, I want a 3rd party to listen to both sides and explain to her that she is deflecting everything onto me and trying to turn me into the bad guy here.
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Old 04-09-2018, 06:50 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReggieBancroft View Post
She then comments that her family is priority number 1 and that they will always have her back so she will stick with them over me.
Did you miss this part ^^^?

Your marriage is over.

She just told you where her loyalties lie...not with you.

Time to see an attorney.
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Old 04-09-2018, 07:31 AM
 
9,357 posts, read 6,926,491 times
Reputation: 14766
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReggieBancroft View Post
UPDATE: So it has been a few weeks now and I am just as confused as I was at the start. My wife still will not tell her sister and keeps getting upset with me that I will not just act normal around the BIL. For example, she placed me in a situation last weekend in which I had to bring my kids to his house(while his wife was there) and my wife would't be there. She then got upset when I told her I just made small talk and nothing else. Fast forward to this weekend and there was a family get together. We arrived first, I ate and then BIL family arrived. He never came into the dining room but sat and watched TV, wife told me to go outside and watch the kids.

We get in the car and she goes off on how I am ruing her life and family by not talking to him, how it is so noticeable to everyone that there is a problem. Why can't I just let it go and be normal. I explained that I was not the one who did anything wrong and that he chose not to come into the dining room, further it was her that told me to go outside. Needless to say, she stopped talking to me and went to bed early. This morning I told her that we need to go to couples counseling as this is not going to fly with me and we need a 3rd party opinion. She flipped out saying that the whole issue is me being weird around him and that I'm now the weird in-law and us not doing things with her family is not how she will live her life. I calmly explained(as she was screaming) that I have no problem doing things, but I can't figure out why I'm being blamed for someone else's actions. She then comments that her family is priority number 1 and that they will always have her back so she will stick with them over me. It took everything not comment back at that point, but all I was thinking was how her family is so important that she refuses to tell her sister that her husband told her he wanted to kiss her. I mean the logic is out of this world.

My intuition tells me that there is so much more then I was told or will be told. Hence, I want a 3rd party to listen to both sides and explain to her that she is deflecting everything onto me and trying to turn me into the bad guy here.
Reggie I hate to tell you this but you’re figuratively wearing a skirt right now. Squash this... tell the sister in law and the rest of the family. Don’t be cuckhold to your wife allowing you permission to speak. Unfortunately you’re now starting to bring this upon yourself and quite possibly this behavior led to the private jogs in the first place. Not trying to be insulting here but to give you unfiltered advice.
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Old 04-09-2018, 07:39 AM
 
596 posts, read 888,373 times
Reputation: 1090
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReggieBancroft View Post
UPDATE: So it has been a few weeks now and I am just as confused as I was at the start. My wife still will not tell her sister and keeps getting upset with me that I will not just act normal around the BIL. For example, she placed me in a situation last weekend in which I had to bring my kids to his house(while his wife was there) and my wife would't be there. She then got upset when I told her I just made small talk and nothing else. Fast forward to this weekend and there was a family get together. We arrived first, I ate and then BIL family arrived. He never came into the dining room but sat and watched TV, wife told me to go outside and watch the kids.

We get in the car and she goes off on how I am ruing her life and family by not talking to him, how it is so noticeable to everyone that there is a problem. Why can't I just let it go and be normal. I explained that I was not the one who did anything wrong and that he chose not to come into the dining room, further it was her that told me to go outside. Needless to say, she stopped talking to me and went to bed early. This morning I told her that we need to go to couples counseling as this is not going to fly with me and we need a 3rd party opinion. She flipped out saying that the whole issue is me being weird around him and that I'm now the weird in-law and us not doing things with her family is not how she will live her life. I calmly explained(as she was screaming) that I have no problem doing things, but I can't figure out why I'm being blamed for someone else's actions. She then comments that her family is priority number 1 and that they will always have her back so she will stick with them over me. It took everything not comment back at that point, but all I was thinking was how her family is so important that she refuses to tell her sister that her husband told her he wanted to kiss her. I mean the logic is out of this world.

My intuition tells me that there is so much more then I was told or will be told. Hence, I want a 3rd party to listen to both sides and explain to her that she is deflecting everything onto me and trying to turn me into the bad guy here.

The only reason you think you need a third party opinion is because you are intimidated by her. You know in your heart that what she is saying and doing is wrong. You deserve her loyalty. You need to stand up and tell her this. When she said her loyalty was to her family, you should have got up and walked out the door. This would be the reaction of anyone with self-respect.


The reason she is putting the blame on you is because she CAN. She knows she can walk all over you apparently and you will take it. She probably allowed things to go to far with the BIL because she is seeking someone who is more of an alpha. But then she chickened out and told you about it. I think deep down she was hoping you would confront him and show yourself to be a strong man. Do it. It's not too late.
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Old 04-09-2018, 07:48 AM
 
Location: Nevada
777 posts, read 450,797 times
Reputation: 1613
Her family is her first priority but she was sneaking around with her brother-in-law and now keeping secrets from her own sister.

She's full of it. Go tell the sister yourself. She deserves to know. If it blows up their marriage, so be it. The damage was done by the BIL, not you.

If it blows up your own marriage because you expose the BIL, I think it means there's a lot more going on than your wife told you.

Do the right thing.
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Old 04-09-2018, 07:52 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,379 posts, read 24,385,676 times
Reputation: 17418
When you tell everyone what your BIL did, it will destroy both marriages and damage family relations. Use the nuclear option carefully.

I’d be angry too, but what is the best choice? Is YOUR marriage over? Is that what your wife wants? Is that what you want? Maybe you should see a marriage counselor alone, first, and get an honest rundown of your options.

Maybe the best choice IS to let this cool down and preserve family unity. People screw up and sometimes there are no winners.
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Old 04-09-2018, 07:58 AM
 
Location: Raleigh, North Carolina
2,148 posts, read 1,690,187 times
Reputation: 4186
She doesn't want her sister to know because it will then force her BIL to reveal all.

At the moment, she thinks she has the OP under a bit of control, although that is an illusion that will be exposed with time. As long as she can intimidate and threaten the welfare of their own family, she keeps the OP under some bit of control.

Whether she had a full-blown affair or not is irrelevant; it's obvious that a line was crossed and inappropriate behavior occurred. Apparently, either the wife felt guilty or the affair was about to be exposed, which caused her to bring up a plausible scenario that would be the least objectionable offense, i.e. the kissing episode. (More than likely, she anticipated the review of texts and probably deleted more than a few)

Once the inappropriate behavior is out in the open, it WILL result in the dissolution of two marriages and that is what she fears. Maybe counseling works out, but I don't know how she could be trusted again.

At the least, I would explore the idea of a legal separation. That would certainly be the cold water in the face she likely needs.
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Old 04-09-2018, 08:11 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by SWFL_Native View Post
Reggie I hate to tell you this but you’re figuratively wearing a skirt right now. Squash this... tell the sister in law and the rest of the family.

... Unfortunately you’re now starting to bring this upon yourself and quite possibly this behavior led to the private jogs in the first place.
Absolutely.
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Old 04-09-2018, 08:30 AM
 
2,094 posts, read 1,919,390 times
Reputation: 3639
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Did you miss this part ^^^?

Your marriage is over.

She just told you where her loyalties lie...not with you.

Time to see an attorney.
Yup- that is a HUGE red flag. A little bit of this goes on in my family- the whole "keep quiet and don't **** off the family" thing. And man it causes a lot of problems.

Your marriage might be toast. I'd bring the whole thing up to everyone and see where it goes. Let the fun begin if that's how she is going to act.
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Old 04-09-2018, 08:43 AM
 
Location: Omaha, NE
149 posts, read 225,330 times
Reputation: 293
I am sorry to pile on OP but with the latest update - she did more with the BIL than she told you about, may still be doing so. The whole sending you outside while she stayed inside is shady as F, the threats are shady and she is demonizing you when you've done nothing wrong. Truly, my heart breaks for you. You've got to know what it is at this point, what you do about it is yours and yours alone to decide at this point but the end result will, most likely, be the same regardless of what route you choose to take. She has decided to take a path that separates from the one you are on, that fork in the road can be met at the time of your choosing or at the time of her choosing but it will come.
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