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I think she is freaking out right now because she's worried about losing her relationship with her sister. I kind of think I can envision what happened, as I tend to embrace the significant others of my cousins (who are very much like siblings to me) like they are family. They are my cousins' chosen partners, after all. I socialize with my male and female cousins and socialize the same with their significant others. I have both male and female platonic friends, so I am very aware of where the lines are.
However, here's the thing: My platonic male friends are the type of people who like having female platonic friends. They know the rules and boundaries. My cousin's chosen partners may not know where those boundaries are. So I'm always very conscious of keeping that line decidedly unblurry. But maybe not everyone gets that point of differentiation - it's just something I'm acutely aware of.
So if you're treating your sister's spouse like your brother, maybe you're not seeing those boundaries so clearly. The stuff I talk about with my male cousins... oh good lord. I get asked for advice and confided in regarding some very strange stuff. And then my platonic male friends also come to me with strange personal stuff.
I don't think your wife is or was having an affair with your BIL. I think she's just feeling stupid about ignoring prior red flags and worried her entire family will turn against her, not just her sister. I think some time with a couples therapist may benefit you both.
No more jogging sessions since the incident. She has not spoken to him since. Wife explained that she just wants everything to be normal again and that my being upset with my BIL doesn't do anything but make it more noticeable and cause her anxiety. I explained that I am not the one in the wrong and that he deserved to know that I was aware of what he did. Why should he get a pass for his actions? I told my wife that I cannot just go back to being friendly with him knowing what he tried to pull. She keeps commenting that my actions will destroy both families...I just don't get this...I did nothing wrong. I said that the right thing to do would be to tell her sister and that if she doesn't want to tell her sister she needs to be on my side in not speaking with my BIL, if anything that POS should have apologized when I confronted him about it. Instead he turned ghost white, walked away and called my wife crying like a loser. I cannot feel bad for someone whose intentions did not work out they way he wanted.
Your wife is lacking boundaries. And keeping her BIL's secrets from her own sister is grossly unethical. And highly suspicious.
I don't see how you can trust this woman.
Your only hope for your marriage is to expose everything.
I agree. Continuing to meet up with her sister husband, knowing he was keeping it from her was the line.....Your wife and you crossed that together.
I don't think either of those two should be trusted. And now they've turned it all on you and will make you the bad guy. And, you have to realize that your own wife is siding with the scoundrel that is married to her sister against you. That has to be eye opening.
No more jogging sessions since the incident. She has not spoken to him since. Wife explained that she just wants everything to be normal again and that my being upset with my BIL doesn't do anything but make it more noticeable and cause her anxiety. I explained that I am not the one in the wrong and that he deserved to know that I was aware of what he did. Why should he get a pass for his actions? I told my wife that I cannot just go back to being friendly with him knowing what he tried to pull. She keeps commenting that my actions will destroy both families...I just don't get this...I did nothing wrong. I said that the right thing to do would be to tell her sister and that if she doesn't want to tell her sister she needs to be on my side in not speaking with my BIL, if anything that POS should have apologized when I confronted him about it. Instead he turned ghost white, walked away and called my wife crying like a loser. I cannot feel bad for someone whose intentions did not work out they way he wanted.
I don't understand why she doesn't see that it was HIS actions, who have risked "destroying both families". His actions produced a reaction--your telling him off. He needs to own that.
She keeps commenting that my actions will destroy both families...
That is complete BS.
OP, this will be difficult, but you need to stand strong here.
Right now is a pivotal moment in your marriage. The way you behave during this situation will set the tone for your future.
Do not allow your wife to place her guilt on you.
Whether or not she is guileless here (and I suspect she is not completely innocent), she needs to be accountable for the fact that she did not honor your marriage with her actions.
To me, making the sister aware, however that happens, is secondary to getting your marriage back on track. I would have a very open and honest talk with your wife about her decisions throughout this process. Ask her if there was a time during that she was tempted. See what she says. Listen to her.
All these questions you asked in this post ^^^ you should be asking her. Don't let her weasel out of talking to you about this or blow it off by claiming it makes her "anxious." That anxiety is a sign that she has a problem she needs to fix.
And no, you do NOT need to bear the brunt of guilt for what is happening. I would not budge on that. If you don't want to talk to BIL, don't. I also would require that your wife go NO CONTACT with him as well.
You need to make sure she understands that your marriage is the priority and should be from now on, that secrets breed sickness, and that you want to be honest with each other because without trust you have nothing.
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