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We had a conversation about what occurred and I asked point blank whether or not she had feelings, led him on and wanted to have an affair. She denied all of it(obviously) and got upset to the point where she began deflecting back on me. I did call her out on some inconsistencies in her story and that I was aware she had also lied to me based on the different versions of events. She admitted everything and essentially said she never thought it was headed down this path. She claimed that yes they had conversations but she never complained about our marriage or myself. I told her directly that I had a tough time believing this as I cannot imagine a guy would say he wanted to kiss you if there was not some sort of emotional connection formed that would lead him to believe that it might be successful and reciprocal. Her response was that he obviously misconstrued her empathy and willingness to listen as something more.
The one comment that she made that really got me was stating that when she thought I would not mention it to BIL or anyone else that she felt so close to me and that I had her back. She explained that me telling BIL I knew was a violation of her trust and really hurt her in what she could tell me. I immediately told her that it was an absurd proposition to even make such a claim, especially in light of my position that she needed to tell her sister immediately. I went on to say that if there were any trust issues it was on her end as, yes she told me about the situation, but it was obvious that she was willing to lie and keep secrets from her sister and I. She continued to try and argue that my telling BIL was going to be what destroyed the families. I asked her directly why she was so keen on protecting her scumbag BIL and she just kept saying she couldn't have her sisters family destroyed over this. She then repeatedly asked that I please break the ice with BIL and just act normal. I responded that I cannot do that and he needs to live with this and that if her position is to protect him and his feelings then she must live with my being upset. I just don't know how this POS could even think I could ever be OK with what he pulled. I don't know, I just don't think my wife should expect me to just be OK with what happened and just move on as though nothing happened. Something happened and I know my wife isn't innocent in it but I would have though my BIL would have enough sense to not go ahead and try this. I don't know, sorry for the stream of consciousness.
I also forgot to mention, that before I confronted him I found out that he had stopped over to my house while I was at work and my wife was home to drop off a pot he had previously borrowed. My wife told me this and did show me the text where he texted her about not answering the door. She did not hear the doorbell. This was a few days after he said he wanted to kiss her and thought that she hadn't told me. So when I saw him, all I could think was that even after he said he wanted to kiss her he was showing up at my house unannounced in the middle of the day. I truly believe that he was trying to pull something further with the hope of something more.
I cannot do that and he needs to live with this and that if her position is to protect him and his feelings then she must live with my being upset.
Hold your ground.
OP, I really believe she is giving you a sanitized version of events, and that is why she doesn't want her sister to know. I am sorry that this is happening to you, but I am familiar with this kind of situation. I have cheated, and I have been cheated on, and I recognize some "symptoms" here. She is telling you a little bit to make it sound real but leaving out the very painful details that would implicate her.
The ONLY time a spouse diverts their loyalty from the spouse in this kind of situation is when THEY are guilty. Something untoward must have happened between them, which is why she so desperately doesn't want her sister to know.
Please hold your ground and let her stew in this for a while.
No, there was no "unless it makes sense" clause in that thread. That thread made no sense from the start and this thread proves it. Snooping is not just as bad as cheating. Not even as bad as "might be cheating".
I agree OP was right to snoop, I'm just surprised that some people responding to this thread have no problem with it, considering their earlier stance.
LOL, I didn't click on the other thread. Had to go back to find out what you were talking about. I meant the situation in this thread.
We had a conversation about what occurred and I asked point blank whether or not she had feelings, led him on and wanted to have an affair. She denied all of it(obviously) and got upset to the point where she began deflecting back on me. I did call her out on some inconsistencies in her story and that I was aware she had also lied to me based on the different versions of events. She admitted everything and essentially said she never thought it was headed down this path. She claimed that yes they had conversations but she never complained about our marriage or myself. I told her directly that I had a tough time believing this as I cannot imagine a guy would say he wanted to kiss you if there was not some sort of emotional connection formed that would lead him to believe that it might be successful and reciprocal. Her response was that he obviously misconstrued her empathy and willingness to listen as something more.
The one comment that she made that really got me was stating that when she thought I would not mention it to BIL or anyone else that she felt so close to me and that I had her back. She explained that me telling BIL I knew was a violation of her trust and really hurt her in what she could tell me. I immediately told her that it was an absurd proposition to even make such a claim, especially in light of my position that she needed to tell her sister immediately. I went on to say that if there were any trust issues it was on her end as, yes she told me about the situation, but it was obvious that she was willing to lie and keep secrets from her sister and I. She continued to try and argue that my telling BIL was going to be what destroyed the families. I asked her directly why she was so keen on protecting her scumbag BIL and she just kept saying she couldn't have her sisters family destroyed over this. She then repeatedly asked that I please break the ice with BIL and just act normal. I responded that I cannot do that and he needs to live with this and that if her position is to protect him and his feelings then she must live with my being upset. I just don't know how this POS could even think I could ever be OK with what he pulled. I don't know, I just don't think my wife should expect me to just be OK with what happened and just move on as though nothing happened. Something happened and I know my wife isn't innocent in it but I would have though my BIL would have enough sense to not go ahead and try this. I don't know, sorry for the stream of consciousness.
I haven't read every post due to not enough time. But I do wan't to say I can believe her that she didn't know if was headed down this path. There are so many times that a guy, including me, can get mixed signals. We are all human.
And as far as letting this go I would probably be OK with that. Because look at it this way, you have something in your back pocket. It's like a get out of jail free card.
We had a conversation about what occurred and I asked point blank whether or not she had feelings, led him on and wanted to have an affair. She denied all of it(obviously) and got upset to the point where she began deflecting back on me. I did call her out on some inconsistencies in her story and that I was aware she had also lied to me based on the different versions of events. She admitted everything and essentially said she never thought it was headed down this path. She claimed that yes they had conversations but she never complained about our marriage or myself. I told her directly that I had a tough time believing this as I cannot imagine a guy would say he wanted to kiss you if there was not some sort of emotional connection formed that would lead him to believe that it might be successful and reciprocal. Her response was that he obviously misconstrued her empathy and willingness to listen as something more.
The one comment that she made that really got me was stating that when she thought I would not mention it to BIL or anyone else that she felt so close to me and that I had her back. She explained that me telling BIL I knew was a violation of her trust and really hurt her in what she could tell me. I immediately told her that it was an absurd proposition to even make such a claim, especially in light of my position that she needed to tell her sister immediately. I went on to say that if there were any trust issues it was on her end as, yes she told me about the situation, but it was obvious that she was willing to lie and keep secrets from her sister and I. She continued to try and argue that my telling BIL was going to be what destroyed the families. I asked her directly why she was so keen on protecting her scumbag BIL and she just kept saying she couldn't have her sisters family destroyed over this. She then repeatedly asked that I please break the ice with BIL and just act normal. I responded that I cannot do that and he needs to live with this and that if her position is to protect him and his feelings then she must live with my being upset. I just don't know how this POS could even think I could ever be OK with what he pulled. I don't know, I just don't think my wife should expect me to just be OK with what happened and just move on as though nothing happened. Something happened and I know my wife isn't innocent in it but I would have though my BIL would have enough sense to not go ahead and try this. I don't know, sorry for the stream of consciousness.
You do what you feel is right not some emotional guilt trip. The deflection back on your is very concerning for her actions. I don’t think you should jeopardize your marriage over it but something to fully vet and communicate with her. Don’t just sweep it under the rug.
I think this marriage has changed for ever and it would really take a lot of work and time to get it to be anything but.
I don't see any problems with the snooping as they are married and there are plenty of red flags here for one to want to know what REALLY happened (or not!).
I am not sure if a good counselor would be of help, but might put things on track for a solution.
Exactly. There was probable cause and basically, under the rules where a Married Union's boundary was clearly crossed and infiltrated, a search warrant was authorized. I do agree for sure counsel is needed. Looks like the Wife is the Mother Hen here used to directing everybody, and being put up on the pedestal. Some professional, 3rd party opinion should hopefully allow her to see the dynamics of the overall situation.
I guess I am just looking for some advice as I am so conflicted. So here goes. My wife had been spending time with her sisters husband(our brother in law) for weekly runs. My wife was very transparent with me about heading out for them. Our BIL then started asking her to go during the week and to not tell her sister as it was during work hours. My wife told me about the runs and I was fine with it, though I commented that it seemed a little odd that he was hiding this from his wife and attempting to make it their little secret. Anyways, this goes on for a little and at some point my wife's sister finds out about the weekday runs and gets upset at her husband. He doubles down and only tells her about a couple of the runs and asks my wife to cover for him. For some reason my wife covers and backs his story to her sister. Her sister is pissed and tells my wife that her husband is acting all shady and not just about the running.
I then tell my wife that this seems really weird and she tells me that they are just running and everyone is acting weird. She acts if it is ok to keep going and I say that it is as long as her sister is aware. I implicitly trust my wife and BIL. Well, a few weeks back they are going to go and I comment on whether or not her sister knows and my wife has no idea. She then comments that everyone is acting so weird as they are just running and its not like they are having an affair. She leaves and comes back an hour later and freaks out that he told her he felt like kissing her in a text right after the run. She is very upset and I get upset, she swears nothing ever happened and that she had no idea and felt sick over the whole thing. She said she got the text, called him immediately and freaked out on him.
Well, I ended up looking at her text history at this point and phone log. Sure enough there is a text of him saying he wants to kiss her and the phone log backs up a call right after that was less then a minute. He also texts to make sure that she erases the text before going home and that they should just forget about it. Well I read the rest of the text history and it is literally like he is grooming her with comments about how tough his wife is being, how he wants to run with her all the time, lets not tell people about the run, lots of compliments and messages were he invites her places with his kids and our kids. Messages about them doing activities together. There are also a few lengthy phone calls of 20+ minutes. From what I can tell my wife was on the up and up and constantly said to tell his wife about the runs and was non-responsive to his invites.
My wife and I end up having a massive blowout over how to handle this where she begs me not to say anything to her sister of BIL as it will destroy the whole family. She says nothing happened and that I should just go about my business as if nothing happened. I explain that the fact he thought so little of me and my family that he was willing to try and break it up is unforgivable. It took everything in me to not immediately go to his house, as all I could think was that he was willing to wreck my children's lives(I understand it takes two to tango). My wife claimed that she had no idea of his feelings or how it could have happened, she swore she just listened and didn't talk about our marriage and that she never courted the attention. I do believe it was a low level emotional affair on her part and it was more about having someone to talk to...as she commented on a few occasions that it was nice to have someone to gossip with.
I agree to not say anything to her sister but can't promise I won't say anything to BIL. Well, I see him out and he acts like he is my best buddy. I could't help it and told him that I knew what was up, he crossed alone and to leave my wife and family alone. Well he immediately calls my wife crying that I am going to destroy his marriage and how could I do that to him and his kids. My wife claims I am only upset about the lying and that I don't know about the kiss text. She then blows up at me and we spend the next week basically not talking since I crossed a line saying that to him. I tell her that I could have told her sister and that would be the right thing to do, but have done what she wished and kept it quiet.
Well, I see him at an event and he completely ignores me and avoids me the whole evening. My wife asks if I saw him and I tell her what happened. She then freaks out again that everyone is going to know that something is up and that I have to be normal and just talk to him. She is begging that I break the ice, swallow my pride and start talking to him. I told her that I don't think I can ever do that as this individual was willing to break up my family with his actions and intentions, which in my mind means hurting my children without a care in the world until he got caught. So, I guess I am confused in how I should act. I don't care to ever talk to him again and ultimately he doesn't deserve me wasting my breath. On the other hand my wife is pleading with me to make it normal so the family and her sister don't suspect anything. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Wow!! This whole thing was wrong from the beginning. Why would you ever lie to your sister about spending time with her husband? I love my BIL's but I would not lie to any of my sisters and cover up for them. People only lie when they've done something wrong or are doing something they know is wrong. If the runs were harmless what was the need to hide them? What was the motive? I'm not even suggesting that anything ever happened between the two. Only they know if anything really happened. But if something starts out with dishonesty, then it can't be good. It's common sense 101. Clearly her relationship with her sister can't be a good one that she can't just come out and tell her she's out jogging with her husband. There's some serious trust issues all around between everyone involved!
I'm thinking your wife may have been enjoying the little extra attention she was getting from her BIL. The two of you have a lot to talk about, arguing won't solve anything and some pretty bad things can be said in the heat of an argument that you won't be able to take back once it's been said. She needs to apologize to her sister for her dishonesty and I hope their relationship can be repaired. If she was that concerned about her sisters marriage, she needed to think about that before going for runs with her husband and being dishonest with her! Your wife needs to be focused on your marriage, priority number 1!!
Good luck.
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