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Old 03-21-2018, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,264 posts, read 14,502,944 times
Reputation: 39153

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My boyfriend had a good friend of many years. I met him, didn't like him. Boyfriend warned me I might not, that he was a jerk. I decided to personally opt out of being friends with the dude, but I told him and my bf, that I want to encourage them to please continue to be friends, I'm not trying to get in the way. For one thing, the guy was in a nasty situation with an ending marriage, and my concern was that having recently gone through an emotionally ugly divorce, I'd be projecting my own STUFF all over him & his wife's situation. Hardly fair.

So I tried to respectfully and politely opt out. The friend, however, became FURIOUS about this, tried to demand that I meet him in person to hash it all out (I'd sent him an email.) Well, I know how he acts like he's always right, and how he steamrolls people, and I just wasn't having it. I haven't seen him in quite a while...don't really want to. Since then, I've been told he either slept with, or tried to sleep with, the wives/girlfriends, of more than one of their (former) mutual guy friends, in the past. So I'm pretty content to have nothing to do with him. He grosses me out with all that, if he came onto me...just...ugh NO.

But I am my boyfriend's first significant relationship. This friend, was used to having him on tap for emotional support or to hang out with or whatever at any time he wanted. For the first time, I think, my guy is saying "No, I've got other plans." Usually plans with me. I feel bad because I don't want to mess with their friendship. All I can say is that my bf gets to make his own choices. Friend will think this is my fault, not much I can do about all that.

Well, now there's a female friend. Boyfriend met her, probably a decade ago, on OLD. They went on an initial date...she didn't really look like her pics. He liked her a great deal, they had a lot in common, but wasn't attracted, and at least as significantly, her life was more complicated than he felt ok dealing with at the time, so he passed on romance. But they became close friends. She offered sex, he declined, she went on to have other relationships, he figured it wasn't going to be an issue. She moved, they stayed sporadically in touch. He considered her that kind of friend who is "like family" and even introduced her to his elderly father. I thought, "She seems really cool!" Because...she did. I'd hoped to meet & befriend her one day. Well, since we've been together, my boyfriend is pretty enthusiastic about our new shared life, and he talked to her about us...maybe a bit TMI. But she didn't seem to react badly, so he felt it was ok. After all, they were close friends. Had always confided in each other. Now she is single, though she wasn't when he and I were first together...and recently he asked her if she wanted to meet/befriend me, and she sent him a long email, basically saying "hell no, I do not" and going on to talk about how she had always hoped they'd be together one day, and it just hurts too much to keep being his friend, now that she knows he's not attracted to her and never was...

But...

She'd had other partners! What did she figure he'd always be alone, saving himself for her in case they ever worked out?? He's almost 60 for crying out loud! How is that even remotely fair, and how can one be so self centered that they can't be happy for a friend in a situation like this, I just don't even know.

But once again, I feel bad, because I feel I'm coming between him and his friends, even though I know which he would choose, it still feels

So I talked to someone recently about this, and she says that what should concern me, is what it says about HIM (my boyfriend) that he has attracted selfish people as his friends in life. People who view him as existing to serve their needs like this. I think if anything, it's because he is too giving, perhaps.

Am I missing something? And is there anything I should be doing, to better facilitate his friendships, or should I just let this not be my problem...? I feel bad. But I don't know if there is anything I can/should do...
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Old 03-21-2018, 04:51 PM
 
Location: Florida
23,155 posts, read 26,091,505 times
Reputation: 27893
You already know the answer.
Whatever friendships, whether good ones or poor ones, for him, are his problem to handle.
Your new 'boyfriend's' friends cannot demand that you like them or include them in your life.
If he opts to spend more of his time with you? Well, not at all unusual when someone has found a more intimate relationship.
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Old 03-21-2018, 04:57 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
8,919 posts, read 7,681,936 times
Reputation: 16655
I think your guilt is unnecessary, I mean it's noble....I guess. However, it's not really your problem. The only demanding vibe I get are from his friends.

If he chooses to spend more time with you over them, or prioritizes you over them, it's his decision. Nothing you can do, but enjoy it.
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Old 03-22-2018, 07:44 AM
 
4,828 posts, read 4,267,629 times
Reputation: 4766
Not a lot you can do in these situations. As for the female friend and the long email, I'm actually not surprised. Maybe she's on an emotional dry spell and your boyfriend was a good pick me up for her. Not saying anything sexual, but he likely always had a way to make her feel at ease and comfortable, hence the friendship. Now that he's attached with you, he isn't going to invest that kind of energy in that friendship, because he rather invest that energy in you. Perfectly reasonable, and by how you describe your happiness with him, I would say it's best for all parties involved.


Friendships eb and flow. I've had it to where we were spending every weekend together or every other weekend together and then one of us would get in a relationship and we'd hardly see each other. That's just life in a nutshell. As relationships become more serious, you tend to want to invest more and more energy into that relationship Primarily because you're getting a lot more out of that relationship when it's a healthy one. Friendships can be lifelong, but they're likely not going to be on the same level of a friendship.
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Old 03-22-2018, 07:45 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,264 posts, read 14,502,944 times
Reputation: 39153
I appreciate the feedback. My brain was giving me this answer, but my heart was nagging at me like there was something I should be doing to...what, make peace with these folks?...I don't know. Something more than what I have been doing. I've had that persistent, "there is something I'm failing to see/do here" feeling, and it's been hard to pin down, so it keeps popping into my mind. If that makes any sense?

Probably my innate conflict avoidance at work, wanting to make sure I'm "cool" with everybody, when that simply is not always necessary. Can't please 'em all!

Anyhow thanks!
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Old 03-22-2018, 08:14 AM
 
2,970 posts, read 2,759,441 times
Reputation: 3176
This thread reminds me of my husband's former female friend as well as a female friend of his that he has known since the mid 1990's.

The former female friend he met in 2011 shortly before we started dating.

The 2 of them would hang out at her place since she would invite him over.

He even wanted me to meet her and hang out with both of them.

So one night the 3 of us had dinner at her place.

He told me that he would talk about me when the 2 of them would hang out at her place.

But when he told her that he was going to propose to me, she told him that I was not good enough for him.

Then when she noticed that he had a wedding ring on his finger after we got married, he noticed that she had a pissed look on her face.

She admitted to him in 2016 that she wanted to date him while we were a couple, when we were engaged, and after we got married.

The other female friend of his is emotionally high maintenance.

The 2 of them briefly dated several years ago before he met me, but he broke it off due to her being emotionally high maintenance. She wanted him around 24/7.

He told me that while the 2 of them were dating she would call him after he got home from work & tell him that she wanted to hang out with him. When he would tell her no & suggest another time to hang out, she would give him a guilt trip.
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Old 03-22-2018, 08:42 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,699 posts, read 19,851,784 times
Reputation: 42985
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
My boyfriend had a good friend of many years. I met him, didn't like him. Boyfriend warned me I might not, that he was a jerk. I decided to personally opt out of being friends with the dude, but I told him and my bf, that I want to encourage them to please continue to be friends, I'm not trying to get in the way. For one thing, the guy was in a nasty situation with an ending marriage, and my concern was that having recently gone through an emotionally ugly divorce, I'd be projecting my own STUFF all over him & his wife's situation. Hardly fair.

So I tried to respectfully and politely opt out. The friend, however, became FURIOUS about this, tried to demand that I meet him in person to hash it all out (I'd sent him an email.) Well, I know how he acts like he's always right, and how he steamrolls people, and I just wasn't having it. I haven't seen him in quite a while...don't really want to. Since then, I've been told he either slept with, or tried to sleep with, the wives/girlfriends, of more than one of their (former) mutual guy friends, in the past. So I'm pretty content to have nothing to do with him. He grosses me out with all that, if he came onto me...just...ugh NO.

But I am my boyfriend's first significant relationship. This friend, was used to having him on tap for emotional support or to hang out with or whatever at any time he wanted. For the first time, I think, my guy is saying "No, I've got other plans." Usually plans with me. I feel bad because I don't want to mess with their friendship. All I can say is that my bf gets to make his own choices. Friend will think this is my fault, not much I can do about all that.

Well, now there's a female friend. Boyfriend met her, probably a decade ago, on OLD. They went on an initial date...she didn't really look like her pics. He liked her a great deal, they had a lot in common, but wasn't attracted, and at least as significantly, her life was more complicated than he felt ok dealing with at the time, so he passed on romance. But they became close friends. She offered sex, he declined, she went on to have other relationships, he figured it wasn't going to be an issue. She moved, they stayed sporadically in touch. He considered her that kind of friend who is "like family" and even introduced her to his elderly father. I thought, "She seems really cool!" Because...she did. I'd hoped to meet & befriend her one day. Well, since we've been together, my boyfriend is pretty enthusiastic about our new shared life, and he talked to her about us...maybe a bit TMI. But she didn't seem to react badly, so he felt it was ok. After all, they were close friends. Had always confided in each other. Now she is single, though she wasn't when he and I were first together...and recently he asked her if she wanted to meet/befriend me, and she sent him a long email, basically saying "hell no, I do not" and going on to talk about how she had always hoped they'd be together one day, and it just hurts too much to keep being his friend, now that she knows he's not attracted to her and never was...

But...

She'd had other partners! What did she figure he'd always be alone, saving himself for her in case they ever worked out?? He's almost 60 for crying out loud! How is that even remotely fair, and how can one be so self centered that they can't be happy for a friend in a situation like this, I just don't even know.

But once again, I feel bad, because I feel I'm coming between him and his friends, even though I know which he would choose, it still feels

So I talked to someone recently about this, and she says that what should concern me, is what it says about HIM (my boyfriend) that he has attracted selfish people as his friends in life. People who view him as existing to serve their needs like this. I think if anything, it's because he is too giving, perhaps.

Am I missing something? And is there anything I should be doing, to better facilitate his friendships, or should I just let this not be my problem...? I feel bad. But I don't know if there is anything I can/should do...
Another good example why exes or almost exes shouldn't stay in contact. Where is Timberline and BirdieBelle to comment on this ?


I wouldn't do anything if I was you. She said she can't be friends and that should be the end of this.


The guy you don't like - I agree, I would just stay out of his way. Not sure why your bf keeps such a person around, why does he like him? Or does he just have pity for him?
If you want to get rid of that guy, befriend him and wait until he comes on to you - that will be the end of their frendship.
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Old 03-22-2018, 09:53 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,264 posts, read 14,502,944 times
Reputation: 39153
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
Another good example why exes or almost exes shouldn't stay in contact. Where is Timberline and BirdieBelle to comment on this ?


I wouldn't do anything if I was you. She said she can't be friends and that should be the end of this.


The guy you don't like - I agree, I would just stay out of his way. Not sure why your bf keeps such a person around, why does he like him? Or does he just have pity for him?
If you want to get rid of that guy, befriend him and wait until he comes on to you - that will be the end of their frendship.
I believe in the ability of SOME people who are male/female, exes, former love interests, whatever, to be friends. Legit, platonic, rewarding, good friends. But I would say that not everyone is capable of it, not everyone is comfortable doing it, and people need to do whatever works for them.

I'm still a bit sad it had to go this way, I've been in my boyfriend's position before with that whole "I thought you were really my friend, but really you were living in the friend-zone and wanting more, and now it's a problem, dammit why, now the friendship is ruined" thing...it sucks. It's not fun to be in the position he is in now.

The guy I don't like, my boyfriend is/was friends with him because:

They have been friends for over 20 years. The two of them were part of tabletop gaming (D&D) groups, and went to conventions, and nerdy movies at the theater, and they even traveled together. When they were both single men, they would drink and go to strip clubs together sometimes. The friend got married about 7-8 years ago, I've mentioned that situation, she was from Georgia (the country) and he brought her here at 18, because "American women are too headstrong." Well surprise surprise when no woman likes being treated the way he treats women, not even a young foreign one. Whatever. But for a while now, he was venting a lot of his complaints about his marriage to my boyfriend. And that was how it went the couple of times we all hung out together (me, boyfriend, and friend) when I met him. A couple of other times it was both couples, and the guy's wife always acted quiet, withdrawn, disconnected and unhappy. Frankly, it was like looking at a person acting the emotional state I was in, when I was unhappily married. Thinking about it, I can feel my body tensing. So whatever I think of this friend, I knew after a point, I didn't want to be there watching their marriage end. No need to put myself through feeling that stress, when I'm still trying to heal from the end of my own. I might have had other reasons to not like the dude, but I didn't need a better reason than that.

I feel like at this point, my boyfriend pities the guy for being clueless about women and people and relationships, they have just a lot of years and history together, and yeah...in certain ways, they get along. Common interests and all that. They've had fun together, they still can....it just cannot be on the other dude's terms 100% like it used to be, I guess.
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Old 03-22-2018, 09:59 AM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,797,099 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
Another good example why exes or almost exes shouldn't stay in contact. Where is Timberline and BirdieBelle to comment on this ?

This actually has nothing to do with what we spoke of. Nothing. At all. You're grasping at straws.
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Old 03-22-2018, 10:21 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,092 posts, read 107,197,582 times
Reputation: 115890
The only potential red flag I see in the scenarios you outlined, OP, is the fact that your guy is ok with being friends with a guy he knows/admits is a jerk. That doesn't make sense to me. He's ok with a guy who has affairs with other men's gf's or wives? Really? A guy who's temperamental, argumentative, and tries to steamroll people? That's odd. What's he getting out of the friendship? What does he perceive his jerk-friend's redeeming qualities to be?
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