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You are both not in good places. You have nothing to apologize for? You have accused her of infidelity, called her ***** under your breath, engaged in a physical altercation, and you are paying her back for her silence? And you concede this will be the worse thing that can happen?
Bro, I don't know what planet you live on, but it IS time to concede, if you want to save this marriage. As has been stated, you are in stalemates - see a counselor - schools have students that offer low-cost services, you can speak with a minister, and there are any number of people to speak with who can guide you properly. You need to address what you can change, which is yourself. A counselor will help you with the stonewalling and all other power issues used by the two of you. There should be date nights as has been mentioned as well, but you two need to put your maces and swords away first.
There is a lot of work that needs to be done. Apologize first, damn yourself, and move to make amends by seeing a counselor. If you seek to make changes, begin by becoming literate - there are any number of books available on Amazon, but one author speaks of the experience of his laboratory in Washington. See link: https://www.google.com/search?ei=m5b....0.zIHKu04liQQ
Your own contrition will go a LONG way. And tomorrow's Mother's Day. She ain't your mother, but get her flowers, because you appreciate her abilities - after all, she found you. Be a real gentleman and leave it for her on the counter, with a simple card, because at least you can do simple.
Don’t know where to start. I’ve been married to my wife since 2003, going on 15 years in October. First year was Dante’s Inferno of a hell. Stabilized over the years with the usual ups and downs. The past few weeks we’ve reverted to the living hell stage, and I can’t pinpoint the cause.
Some background. I freely admit to struggling with self confidence and trust. I grew up in an alcoholic home and witnessed my dad, whom suffered from PTSD from Vietnam, get hammered and have horrific physical fights with our mom. Later, as an adult, dealt with relationships where my SO was deceitful and left for other men. Met my wife in 02, and carried the baggage in with it. My wife has her own family history of parents that were abusive towards each other and a history of mental illness on her mother’s side.
She has two sons from a previous marriage. We mostly get along. Oldest is working, but still at home at 22 and other than driving our daughter to middle school, offers no other help around the house. Second son left the house at 18, dropped out of HS and lives with his GF. I get frustrated at their decisions, but it only serves to aggravate my wife and it leads to a few tense moments. I learned a long time ago to pick my fights regarding the boys. Nobody listens to my advice, so why even bother at the point.
Past few weeks, or month have been troubling. My wife is distant, seems withdrawn at times. This fluctuates with periods of aggravation and moodiness. She’s 47, so I wonder if hormones and menopause are factors. I recently interviewed for an RN position that would place me at a VA outpatient clinic that is half the distance from my current job and brings hours that are 8-4, with no weekends or holidays. I have worked nights for the past four years. I bring home good money, but I feel terrible most of the time from no sleep and have gained weight that is hard to lose. My wife offers only soft support. She’s in fear of losing the extra money, but seems to care less if my quality of life improves. This background has led to two horrendous fights where I have, unjustly, and without evidence, accused her of being interested in other men. I also got caught calling her the B word under my breath as I was putting our towels up in the bathroom. This escalated horribly and I grabbed her arm from leaving the room and she retaliated by punching my arm, and promising me she would file for divorce Monday morning.
I left for work later. Nearly 24 hours later we are both in silent mode. This has been a weapon of choice for my wife for years. In fights past, the silence was deafening and painful. This time, I’m digging my heels in and giving it right back.
I owe her apologies. My trust issues have led me to acccuse her over the years when I’ve had zero physical evidence. I also owe her one for being verbally abusive and disrespectful. She will get those but I refuse to give ground over her pattern of being prideful and never admitting her own wrongs. I also feel betrayed that she only offers lukewarm support for a job change that would bring me closer to home and lead to a healthier lifestyle. In her words, the 3-4 nights a week I was gone where “breaks.” Yea, that a punch in the gut to say the least. Even after a job change, I would still bring home 65,000 a year and federal benefits. I would also be available to take our girl to volleyball practice and games.
If she leaves me, it will be one of the worst things to happen. But, I’m not begging this time or giving in. If she can make it as a single mom at 47 yrs old and making 14/hr, then she can knock herself out trying. I have made mistakes and made them worse by not seeking help. I know this and I’m owning it. However my wife’s refusal to give concessions and compromise has led to some of this as well. Her refusal to support me in a potential new job makes her look like she’s only concerned with money, and not my well being .
Sorry for longish post. Hope to hear some feedback, and I will clarify anything I’ve wrote.
My $0.02
You have repressed issues you need help with. Your wife does not deserve baseless accusations based upon your insecurities. You know this so seek help and don’t do it to her ever again.
Secondly your weight gain issues around stress are shortening your life. If you can make the money work I’d suggest doing it and not worrying about the lost money. Health and happiness over money;cut back lifestyle expenses if needed.
I think your biggest issue is putting your hands on her when she wanted to leave. That is a big no no, maybe separation is needed for her sake.
Your absences were "breaks" for her? Breaks from what? Is there more to the story? Please get relief from your PTSD and relationship fears/trust issues. Do this for yourself, and for your daughter's sake, if not your wife's. Then move to get help for the marriage. Good luck!
I don't think the OP has PTSD. I thought he said his dad did.
I agree that years of tolerating her husband projecting his problems onto his wife probably made her relieved when he was out of the house.
I don't think the OP has PTSD. I thought he said his dad did.
I agree that years of tolerating her husband projecting his problems onto his wife probably made her relieved when he was out of the house.
I need a break after a weekend of togetherness, sometimes if my SOs entire extended family has been over, I look forward to going to work Monday morning!
OP, it seems that you mentioned gaining weight, are considering taking a job that pays less, and then started accusing your wife of cheating for no reason. Obvious to me that you are doing that bc you're feeling insecure.
My advice is simplistic: Start exercising. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself! Make the decisions that will benefit your life, or you'll continue to be suspicious and also grow resentful in a job you don't want anymore.
Don't focus on her leaving, things look different when you feel good and know you can make it on your own, you're able to appreciate others more as well.
You have repressed issues you need help with. Your wife does not deserve baseless accusations based upon your insecurities. You know this so seek help and don’t do it to her ever again.
Secondly your weight gain issues around stress are shortening your life. If you can make the money work I’d suggest doing it and not worrying about the lost money. Health and happiness over money;cut back lifestyle expenses if needed.
I think your biggest issue is putting your hands on her when she wanted to leave. That is a big no no, maybe separation is needed for her sake.
^^^^^THIS. You work in healthcare so I would guess you are aware of the implications stress will put on your own physical and mental health.
Start somewhere. Seek the counseling for the PTSD. You wife should too. Each individually, of course.
You both have major issues that each of you are dealing with. Seek out the necessary interventions for each of you. for your sanity and mental health.
Get counseling.I heard many stories of couples not trusting others and then getting help which led to a much happier marriage.Communication helps and seeing each other's point of view.
I don't think the OP has PTSD. I thought he said his dad did.
I agree that years of tolerating her husband projecting his problems onto his wife probably made her relieved when he was out of the house.
. oops! You're right. Still, the OP needs trauma therapy for his experience growing up in his dad's household. ugh. What a thing to live with!
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. oops! You're right. Still, the OP needs trauma therapy for his experience growing up in his dad's household. ugh. What a thing to live with!
