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My BF and I have been dating for 7 months. He is 9 years older than me. He always says I’m prettier than he is handsome. If I tell him he is handsome he will say I’m blind. He told he he was really lonely before I came along so I know he wasn’t a player or getting a lot of girls. Even though he says these things it seems like he tries to make me jealous. It hurts me and I have told him that but he does it a lot.
For example. He told me that this woman walks by his work from her job 4 times a week. He said she dresses seductive. He told me one day he was standing outside with his co-worker and she happened to walk by that day. She asked him if he had a girlfriend he said yes she said well are you married and he said No. she said then that means your single. Then he apprentally turned her down. He made it a point to also tell me she was attractive. When he told me this I felt like it sounded made up. Especially since this woman works at a bank not relatively close to his job and why is she walking by his work anyways. All in all I thought it was strange.
Last night he went out to his favorite bar. It’s local and all the same people hangout there and have for many years so he is well known. I was at a family get together. When I came to his house after he showed up tipsy. He told me the woman he used to have sex with right before us was there and she asked him if they were still friends in a pouty voice. I didn’t even understand why he would tell me especially when she turned him down after “dating”for a month. I told him that it made me upset and then he goes on a long speech about how I’m the only one for him and that he wants to marry me. He says I don’t want anyone else.
He always seems to have the stories about women who like him now that he has as girlfriend or try to flirt with him. I do not tell him when a man may flirt or suggest because I don’t want him to get jealous since it’s absolutely nothing and I always make sure I do not flirt back or lead a guy on. I try to spare his feelings plus it’s not even a thought on my mind because I only care about my BF. I know he would be jealous if he thought a guy was hitting on me so why does he do this when he knows I have trust issues due to my past and I have told him it makes me uncomfortable.
If he is trying to make me jealous? it’s immature but it makes me feel like he is up to something when he is coming up with these stories. He even brought the bank girl up again last night he said well if I was going to do anything it would have been with the woman from the bank but I turn her down so I’m commited. That statement was inconciderate in my opinion.
My BF and I have been dating for 7 months. He is 9 years older than me. He always says I’m prettier than he is handsome. If I tell him he is handsome he will say I’m blind. He told he he was really lonely before I came along so I know he wasn’t a player or getting a lot of girls. Even though he says these things it seems like he tries to make me jealous. It hurts me and I have told him that but he does it a lot.
For example. He told me that this woman walks by his work from her job 4 times a week. He said she dresses seductive. He told me one day he was standing outside with his co-worker and she happened to walk by that day. She asked him if he had a girlfriend he said yes she said well are you married and he said No. she said then that means your single. Then he apprentally turned her down. He made it a point to also tell me she was attractive. When he told me this I felt like it sounded made up. Especially since this woman works at a bank not relatively close to his job and why is she walking by his work anyways. All in all I thought it was strange.
Last night he went out to his favorite bar. It’s local and all the same people hangout there and have for many years so he is well known. I was at a family get together. When I came to his house after he showed up tipsy. He told me the woman he used to have sex with right before us was there and she asked him if they were still friends in a pouty voice. I didn’t even understand why he would tell me especially when she turned him down after “dating”for a month. I told him that it made me upset and then he goes on a long speech about how I’m the only one for him and that he wants to marry me. He says I don’t want anyone else.
He always seems to have the stories about women who like him now that he has as girlfriend or try to flirt with him. I do not tell him when a man may flirt or suggest because I don’t want him to get jealous since it’s absolutely nothing and I always make sure I do not flirt back or lead a guy on. I try to spare his feelings plus it’s not even a thought on my mind because I only care about my BF. I know he would be jealous if he thought a guy was hitting on me so why does he do this when he knows I have trust issues due to my past and I have told him it makes me uncomfortable.
If he is trying to make me jealous? it’s immature but it makes me feel like he is up to something when he is coming up with these stories. He even brought the bank girl up again last night he said well if I was going to do anything it would have been with the woman from the bank but I turn her down so I’m commited. That statement was inconciderate in my opinion.
Any thoughts sorry for rambling on.
Well, we know he is insecure, from what you described.
He also is dismissing your feelings, since you have told him these stories make you uncomfortable.
I would either:
a) tell him one more time that you don't really need to know all these details and ask him why he has ignored your previous requests to stop or
b) stop worrying about it and laugh along with his stories by saying, "Wow, look at all the women coming after you. I am one lucky girlfriend!" Then move on to something else.
If he truly is committed, the stories are just bluster to boost his own ego. If he isn't, you'll find out soon enough.
Aside from the obvious, what stood out for me in your story was that he's already telling you, at 7 months, that he wants to marry you. That's a bit premature, in most cases of dating. Especially in view of his other behavior. It sounds like he's playing games with you.
And ESPECIALLY in view of the fact that you've told him you have trust issues, due to events in your past. Frankly, OP, from that perspective, his behavior is sadistic. Clearly, he doesn't care about you. Nobody with a heart would dangle these incidents in front of you, chronically. That's really kind of sick. It wouldn't be farfetched to conclude that he's only with you because he feels you're arm candy, for showing off, or because he feels he "deserves" somebody pretty.
I think you should call it off, and don't let him talk you into continuing with him. If he demands to know why (don't play that game--don't get sucked into an argument about that), don't make it about jealousy or those other women. Simply state that he's not at all considerate of your feelings and past issues, so you're going to find someone who's more thoughtful. Don't allow him to drag out the conversation; he sounds like the manipulative type, so there would be no end to the arguing back and forth. He's been mean to you, end of story, over and out. It's not normal behavior, you're absolutely right. He's not a good guy.
For an alternative viewpoint as yourself one question: How would you feel if he didn't tell you about these encounters and you later found out about them?
Looking at it from the perspective of a person that's learned the hard, way partners don't always understand that the other person may not view their words or actions in the way intended.
I know you've told him these stories make you uncomfortable, but truly, 7 months isn't enough time for him to understand that completely. In the scheme of things he barely knows you. Sometimes deep understanding takes years because his personality and psychological needs and reactions are different than yours. My guess is that he thinks he's being honest and not trying to hide anything from you so you don't worry. He thinks that is kindness and sparing you from feeling worried. You on the other hand, wouldn't tell him to keep him from worry and to be kind.
It's a difference in the way the two of you react to things emotionally. Next time he tells you something like this, take a deep breath, calm yourself, and then nicely ask him, "Why are you telling me about this? What is your motivation?" You may have to keep digging to get to his motivation. Then you can explain how it really makes you feel. This kind of conversation will help you communicate better and more fully understand the other.
You think he's up to something because he is. Trust your intuition. He doesn't sound like someone who is to be trusted. You shouldn't have to keep explaining to him the same thing over and over hoping he will "get it". So what you've only been together 7 months...what exactly "is" the magic number to where he suddenly understands English? He hears you, he knows it bothers you and he does it anyway. That is abusive.
Next time he brags about these women lusting after him, tell him he should take them up on their offers and "go get 'em tiger!" Then leave and go get yourself a real man, not some whiny, pathetic poser who needs to make you feel insecure so he can feel good.
For an alternative viewpoint as yourself one question: How would you feel if he didn't tell you about these encounters and you later found out about them?
Looking at it from the perspective of a person that's learned the hard, way partners don't always understand that the other person may not view their words or actions in the way intended.
I know you've told him these stories make you uncomfortable, but truly, 7 months isn't enough time for him to understand that completely. In the scheme of things he barely knows you. Sometimes deep understanding takes years because his personality and psychological needs and reactions are different than yours. My guess is that he thinks he's being honest and not trying to hide anything from you so you don't worry. He thinks that is kindness and sparing you from feeling worried. You on the other hand, wouldn't tell him to keep him from worry and to be kind.
It's a difference in the way the two of you react to things emotionally. Next time he tells you something like this, take a deep breath, calm yourself, and then nicely ask him, "Why are you telling me about this? What is your motivation?" You may have to keep digging to get to his motivation. Then you can explain how it really makes you feel. This kind of conversation will help you communicate better and more fully understand the other.
You're missing the part, where she says that guys hit on her, but she doesn't give her bf a running report of trivial incidents, out of respect to him. I see no reason for him to regurgitate daily or weekly every little thing, especially knowing that she's had unhappy situations in her past that lead to trust issues. 7 months isn't enough time to understand that? What's so complex about past infidelity or a family situation causing trust issues in someone? But you make a good point, re: his motivation possibly being benign.
If the OP wants to give the relationship one more shot, she could simply have a talk with him, and tell him that all these 7 months, she's been deliberately withholding info from him, about guys hitting on her, because she thought that was the respectful thing to do, and they were trivial indigents anyway. She could ask him what he would prefer the two of them do, going forward: regularly confess every gesture of personal interest from attractive members of the opposite sex, or let it all slide, unless there's a case of persistent harassment.
It's a fair question, a "how should we handle this issue we both face out in the world, as a couple" type of question. It would be an acknowledgement of the fact that they both have had different ways of handling the same issue, due, possibly, to differing underlying assumptions on each of their parts, so they should discuss getting on the same page, whichever page that may be, that they choose.
That doesn't have to be confrontational, at all. This is what communication looks like, in a relationship. She could start out saying, "OK, maybe I've misunderstood your motives. Let's talk. Here's how I've handled the come-ons I get periodically, in terms of divulging/not divulging, and here's why". Then see where the conversation goes. If he can't handle that, well, then she'll probably learn a whole lot more about him, from his reaction to the topic.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-18-2018 at 12:52 PM..
He's either making you jealous to feel better about himself or it's a misfired attempt to make you feel better by "illustrating" how he likes you so much that these other women can't pry him away from you, no matter how physically attractive they appear.
He's either making you jealous to feel better about himself or it's a misfired attempt to make you feel better by "illustrating" how he likes you so much that these other women can't pry him away from you, no matter how physically attractive they appear.
Well, it also sounds like a brag, that he's attracting all these babes, whose attention he supposedly doesn't want but seems to enjoy as validation of his attractiveness, which he denies having. He denies being attractive, yet he's a babe magnet. Interesting. Pretty transparent BS.
He's either making you jealous to feel better about himself or it's a misfired attempt to make you feel better by "illustrating" how he likes you so much that these other women can't pry him away from you, no matter how physically attractive they appear.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Well, it also sounds like a brag, that he's attracting all these babes, whose attention he supposedly doesn't want but seems to enjoy as validation of his attractiveness, which he denies having. He denies being attractive, yet he's a babe magnet. Interesting. Pretty transparent BS.
It could be either or it could be both.
Either way, he is being insensitive and OP needs to let him know he needs to stop. I mean, telling OP about the girl he used to have sex with - Holy Cow! Why would he do that? He needs to stop! It might help if OP tells him this business is pushing her away from him.
Either way, he is being insensitive and OP needs to let him know he needs to stop. I mean, telling OP about the girl he used to have sex with - Holy Cow! Why would he do that? He needs to stop! It might help if OP tells him this business is pushing her away from him.
Right, but the OP said she's already told him how it makes her feel, and that he needs to stop, but he continues, in spite of that.
So, IMO, the writing's on the wall. He doesn't care about her feelings, and he enjoys hurting her. He knows he's hurting her, because she's said so, point blank. Yet he continues. This speaks for itself. It's time for the OP to move on.
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