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If you commit to work on this with her, I highly recommend a book called "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski. Both of you need to read it.
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I second this. Even if you're not anywhere near the same place as the OP's partner, you might find yourself sweeping away crap you didn't even realize you were carrying around. Very empowering writing about human sexuality.
Oh, my. No, that is not romantic. I mean, it's great that you have a job and do chores (everyone should,) but unloading the dishwasher is not a panty-dropper, generally.
The bottom line is you haven't been together that long, and it's already ths difficult. You both have to do a lot of work on yourselves to make this relationship work--is it worth it?
Only if someone's primary Love Language is "Acts of Service!" Could be it's one of his, so he's thinking he is expressing love by helping out around the house (even with his heavy work schedule) and not leaving all the work and stress on her. Hoping a less stressed lady will be a more relaxed and willing one. Not a bad line of logic really, but the thing I like about the Love Languages concept, is that there are times that one person is broadcasting affection as loud as they can...but they are broadcasting it on a frequency their partner simply doesn't pick up. When that happens, if we don't try to understand what's going on, it kinda hurts and you feel unappreciated and resentful.
The main thing I want to hold up a hand and say, "No" to here in this thread, is the idea that she is punishing you. I don't think she's doing that at all. In fact, I don't know what kind of a psycho actually consciously sets out to punish a partner by withholding sex, but I have never seen it. I've heard it JOKED about, but I haven't seen that anyone really does it. It's more like, for some reason, she's got a block, a hesitation, something is putting on the brakes. Her simply "trying" for your sake to overcome and push past this, is basically her faking it. The desire isn't there, and she's going to wind up simply enduring the act, staring at the ceiling, hoping you'll hurry up and finish, if you go that route, and feeling more distant from you all the time. I do not think that's much better than not getting any at all.
If what you want is genuine desire...then that will take effort from both of you. So you both have to be legitimately on board for that. You won't get there being mad at her, or believing that she's punishing you.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
35,598 posts, read 17,927,273 times
Reputation: 50623
Quote:
Originally Posted by Exohouse
I broke up with her after dinner.
At midnight, she asked me to give the relationship another try.
She said she can afford to work one day less since her recent promotion.
She said she can get in the mood if we had regular date nights.
Sounds appealing. Help me please
1. Sex is not important to her, but I am so she will work at it
2. If we try it, what will our sex life look like in ten years
3. Going without sex for 2 weeks is torture for me
4. I work 60 hours. I regularly do her dishes and food shop, and cook together. That is not romantic?
5. In the past she said once a week is not impossible, but she can also go for many months without.
Here's the deal. A LOT of women don't have a strong sex drive, sometimes it's a temporary thing that sort of drifts in and out, sometimes the sex drive completely shuts down.
If she wants to be in a relationship with you, she'll need to have sex. That's just the way it is.
I don't feel like picking my husband up from the airport, or going to Walgreens at 10 at night because he's got a stomach flu and he needs gatorade and immodium, but so what?
You just do it. Sex is the only thing women feel like they have to be in the mood for, to just do what it takes to make their partner happy.
It's not like you're asking for something uncomfortable or painful, or sex 3X a day.
Here's the deal. A LOT of women don't have a strong sex drive, sometimes it's a temporary thing that sort of drifts in and out, sometimes the sex drive completely shuts down.
If she wants to be in a relationship with you, she'll need to have sex. That's just the way it is.
I don't feel like picking my husband up from the airport, or going to Walgreens at 10 at night because he's got a stomach flu and he needs gatorade and immodium, but so what?
You just do it. Sex is the only thing women feel like they have to be in the mood for, to just do what it takes to make their partner happy.
It's not like you're asking for something uncomfortable or painful, or sex 3X a day.
Unless it is uncomfortable or painful, in which case she will have to tell him that, too. And see a doctor.
I agree that this woman doesn't seem to be "punishing" by withholding sex, simply because they haven't even been together long enough to build up that type of resentment in a relationship.
Here's the deal. A LOT of women don't have a strong sex drive, sometimes it's a temporary thing that sort of drifts in and out, sometimes the sex drive completely shuts down.
If she wants to be in a relationship with you, she'll need to have sex. That's just the way it is.
I don't feel like picking my husband up from the airport, or going to Walgreens at 10 at night because he's got a stomach flu and he needs gatorade and immodium, but so what?
You just do it. Sex is the only thing women feel like they have to be in the mood for, to just do what it takes to make their partner happy.
It's not like you're asking for something uncomfortable or painful, or sex 3X a day.
but it might be uncomfortable or painful FOR HER. That is what we are discussing... why this particular woman won't have sex with this particular man - not what women should or shouldn't do for their man.
And I'd like to say I've "taken one for the team" and had sex when I really really didn't feel like it. It wasn't great and my ex probably wasn't thrilled either. If you just need your privates to interact with your partners' then I guess that's acceptable.
Do people really move in with each other after just 6 months? That's insane to me!
Also, it honestly doesn't seem like you know anything about this woman at all other than she works a lot and doesn't want to have sex with you.
What does she find romantic? What is her history when it comes to sex? (abuse? bad experiences? medical problems?)
These are the types of things you find out when you're dating someone and getting to know them... not ask about from strangers on a message board after you're already cohabitating.
but he washes the dishes!!! isn't that enough romance????
Does he wipe them down in slow...slllllllllllow circles? While looking intensely into her eyes?
Does he have his shirt off? Does he have long hair?
I can say I am more amorous if I haven't been thought of as the workhorse and cleanup committee. That's one of the biggest turn-offs ever: "Oh good, the woman is home, the dishes will finally get done. Honey, after you're done with 'all that' want to get down?" NO.
But I wouldn't say it's romantic, per se, to do these things. They *could* lead to more openness because of less resentment but they're not romantic in and of themselves.
Unless done in slow, slow circles with a shirt off, looking into the other's eyes. And with a breeze from the open window lifting the long hair like in a commercial.
But otherwise, not romantic.
OP and his SO aren't really a match.... I am sorry, OP, there's too much "wrong" here. Even if you did have long blowing hair.
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I second this. Even if you're not anywhere near the same place as the OP's partner, you might find yourself sweeping away crap you didn't even realize you were carrying around. Very empowering writing about human sexuality.
I am sorry, OP, there's too much "wrong" here. Even if you did have long blowing hair.
