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Old 05-14-2018, 08:32 PM
 
Location: Nevada
777 posts, read 450,797 times
Reputation: 1613

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
My life and schedule (and personality type) mirror what you have described.

Last fall I left a 25-year marriage because my psychologist asked me which would be worse, divorce or mental illness, and I paused. That's when I knew I needed a change ... because mental illness (or suicide) should NOT be an option. But I was still looking for ways to maintain the life that others were accustomed to me living... a life that was BAD for me.

You should not prefer to be a victim. You are actually victimizing yourself by staying for this abuse. Because it IS abuse.

When you finally DO get away from him, you will be surprised at how your life opens up. There are possiblities you cannot consider because of your codependency. If you would trust yourself to find other opportunities for social interaction, you could get yourself out of this mess.

But I don't think you will.
My situation is similar, except I'd been treated for depression for years, and it kept getting worse. My therapist never said outright he was a narcissist, but she did tell me that he would never change and I needed to find a way to cope and not let him get me down.

Funny how the sun came out, I got off my meds, out of therapy, and life got better once I left the narcissistic abuser.... Life spent walking on eggshells is draining and depressing.
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Old 05-14-2018, 09:01 PM
 
9,359 posts, read 6,928,850 times
Reputation: 14767
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
I am sitting here at the kitchen table knowing that in about an hour my husband will be home from work. I dread it.

He will come home and then for HOURS I will hear about every single thing, even in the most minute detail, that happened that day.

Every conversation, every event. How long someone was gone to the bathroom. For hours. LITERALLY. I am not joking. FOR HOURS. Even worse, tomorrow morning, before I have had my first sip of coffee he will start it all over again. And I will hear for a second time, everything that happened.

Of course, he never asks me how my day went. Except to interrogate me about my whereabouts. Never. It's always about him, his thoughts, his feelings, his ideas. HIS INJUSTICES. (everyone he works with is an arsehole,you know). I dread every single day.

If I tell him I want to talk about something else other than his day, his job, his experiences, his opinions about EVERYTHING. He immediately gives me the silent treatment and will not talk to me for the rest of the night. Even ignoring my attempts to communicate. Even if I ask questions.

I really cannot stand my life.
You could be married to me and I wouldn't share one detail about my day unless you drag it out of me.
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Old 05-14-2018, 09:04 PM
 
Location: Here and now.
11,904 posts, read 5,563,681 times
Reputation: 12963
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
It means that I enjoy being alone and having my solitude but also, I enjoy having someone around too. I grew up an only child with no close family and frequent moves that resulted in constant loss of friends. My brutal work schedule makes friendships difficult to maintain. Even though I am an introvert by nature, I still enjoy interacting with people from time to time. Other than the people I work with I would have very little human interaction if I lived alone.
You're not enjoying the interaction you have with him, not if you resort to napping in parking lots to get away from him. If you get out of this mess, you might find that you have more time and energy for maintaining friendships that actually make you happy, instead of wearing yourself out mentally and emotionally trying to find a little satisfaction with this jerk.

I hope you will consider some of the suggestions that have been offered. I feel for you, I really do, but I've also been in the position of trying to help or advise someone who finds some reason to reject every single suggestion, and it's just...well, eventually you throw up your hands in frustration and stop trying.

Don't be that person, okay? Your life isn't going to change until you change it. I know it's hard to disentangle from such a long-standing relationship, but you've spent enough of your life being miserable.
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Old 05-14-2018, 10:27 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,436 posts, read 34,627,532 times
Reputation: 73585
You are choosing to stay in a loveless marriage for fear of being alone. I really think a counselor needs to help you with these decisions.

In a way, it seems you are using excuses so you don't have to go and be happy. Lots of good things take work, and all marriages have the partners intertwined to varying degrees, yet they still occur.
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Old 05-14-2018, 10:31 PM
 
6,039 posts, read 6,035,274 times
Reputation: 16753
What would Abraham say?

What are you doing/vibrating to to keep yourself in this horrible situation?
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Old 05-15-2018, 04:32 AM
 
Location: NJ
983 posts, read 2,768,806 times
Reputation: 1902
I don't understand how being alone would be worse than being in a miserable marriage?

You don't have to STAY alone. You can hopefully find a partner who makes you happy.

The pets, the entangled finances....it can all be sorted out. Life is too short to be stuck in a miserable marriage!!
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Old 05-15-2018, 08:22 AM
 
13,262 posts, read 7,978,903 times
Reputation: 30753
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
Yes, he gets very hostile and defensive. Blames me for it saying that "I asked" (because I usually greet him when he comes home, duh, with something like, Hi honey how was your day?) It is a simple greeting, not something that I intend to last for 6+ Hours.

Well...then...stop asking him. Break the routine.


Start a new routine. After dinner, you get up and go for a walk. Or yoga class, or the library...whatever. Sounds like both of you need a diversion and a shake up in the monotony.
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Old 05-15-2018, 08:29 AM
 
13,262 posts, read 7,978,903 times
Reputation: 30753
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
There are a lot of reasons. Like I said, I don't do well alone. After this time, our lives are so enmeshed, it is like conjoined twins who share a brain. You can't separate them without somebody dying. We have pets. We have financial obligations that I cannot cover on one income alone. So many reasons.

He's not a bad man. He is just oblivious to the fact that there is anyone else in the world.

I always get a kick out of coming back from the store and I am struggling to carry 6 bags of groceries while he prances from the car to the house carrying one small bag of "his goodies". Often he will not even open the door for me without my asking. If I say anything to him about it he gets angry and defensive and says... "Well all you had to do is ask". Really??

Well then, ASK!


Is it more fun to feel superior to this man, than changing expectations?
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Old 05-15-2018, 08:53 AM
 
Location: In the bee-loud glade
5,573 posts, read 3,334,079 times
Reputation: 12295
I'm male and I happen to do fine alone, but I was married to someone very much like your husband. And the thing that kept me around for the last 4 or 5 years of fun was our lives being so enmeshed. Breaking all those ties was actually a bit painful and very tedious, but I felt like my efforts were headed in a good direction.

In my marriage I worked really hard to tread water. In my breakup I worked really hard to swim to shore, and I made it.
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Old 05-15-2018, 09:42 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12 View Post

In my marriage I worked really hard to tread water. In my breakup I worked really hard to swim to shore, and I made it.
I think that is a really great metaphor for the process, hom, and not to wear it out, but I think the biggest hindrance for people who are in these types of harmful relationships is that they just keep trying to tread water because right now they can't SEE the shore.

But their choices are to wear out and drown, or to go for a safety they can't see yet.

If the OP could just get ahold of one mental image of a life all her own that she really wants, she could be properly motivated to start swimming.
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