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Learning a bit here, I guess, being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. The one thing that's true on the thread is our difficulty with relationships...classic bpd. Other comments may or may not apply....
Good thing I'm a loner, I suppose...
Don't lose hope! What specifically do you struggle with?
There are too many possibilities involved to create some hard and fast rules.
Some of these symptoms come and go.
What is a yellow flag for one person may be a red flag for another.
I recently became acquainted with a woman...got to comparing notes on online dating. She had just come out of a one year relationship with a guy. She described him in great detail and I said, wow, I"m surprised you lasted as long as you did. After further discussion I realized that I had been on two dates with the same guy and realized he was a hot mess. I didn't say anything to her. It just goes to show that what would be tolerable for one woman was not tolerable for me. Or that I've had different experiences and therefore notice different things. Who knows?
Each experience we have gives us info we need for the next. You can't second guess yourself and say 'I should have noticed sooner'. Mental illness just doesn't work that way.
Honestly, most of the time I feel like a social worker while dating.
There are too many possibilities involved to create some hard and fast rules.
Some of these symptoms come and go.
What is a yellow flag for one person may be a red flag for another.
I recently became acquainted with a woman...got to comparing notes on online dating. She had just come out of a one year relationship with a guy. She described him in great detail and I said, wow, I"m surprised you lasted as long as you did. After further discussion I realized that I had been on two dates with the same guy and realized he was a hot mess. I didn't say anything to her. It just goes to show that what would be tolerable for one woman was not tolerable for me. Or that I've had different experiences and therefore notice different things. Who knows?
Education is key! When I married the ex, it was 1989. We didn't have social media and an abundance of information waiting for us all online. I thought of a narcissist as someone too in love with his appearance, and nothing more - not the disorder that creates such chaos in relationships.
Once I got my head around NPD, and gaslighting, I finally grasped what was happening, and had been happening from the beginning. And GTFO before I killed myself.
A lot of people still accept highly dysfunctional behavior because it's what they grew up with, they don't know any better, they've been trauma bonded, etc. A person has to be able to look at things with a clinical eye, with a little distance, to really SEE what is going on. Even seeing it doesn't mean an automatic split, because the anxiety and depression created by narc abuse make it really hard to find the courage.
At least with a little education, you might get out of a bad situation before things escalate to the point of being truly damaging to the psyche.
I think a lot of it depends on your age and experience with people. You live long enough, gain some emotional intelligence, understand your gut feelings, etc. What it comes down to, as many have said, is recognizing the patterns. It's discouraging in a way, but with time you find that people really are not that special or unique and we can be very predictable as a species.
Greatblueheron, you have my respect and admiration that you accept and are working with your diagnosis. That takes a lot of focus and faith. I wish you well.
I think a lot of it depends on your age and experience with people. You live long enough, gain some emotional intelligence, understand your gut feelings, etc. What it comes down to, as many have said, is recognizing the patterns. It's discouraging in a way, but with time you find that people really are not that special or unique and we can be very predictable as a species.
Greatblueheron, you have my respect and admiration that you accept and are working with your diagnosis. That takes a lot of focus and faith. I wish you well.
Many good responses! Thanks everyone for the responses......Ok, I deal with many different types of people in business and in my personal life, and I feel I have overall good judgement and intuition. However, I am no Mental health professional by any means, but can usually spot when something is off and not right with someone.
At the present time, a very good friend of mine which I consider like a brother since we've known each other since childhood is dealing with a roller coaster, passionate, yet very volatile relationship. Over the past several weeks he has opened up to me quite a bit seeking guidance. To make a long story short, I informed him that he may want to get a Mental health professionals advice, but in my opinion, and for his well-being, he needs to break off this relationship (his girlfriend) and either maintain no contact, or very limited contact. Below is a time line of series of events that occurred since they began dating. As one can see, there were many red flags early on:
* SHARING TOO MUCH INFORMATION: Within the 1st week and by the 2nd date, she has already informed him of how many sexual partners she's had, that she has a high sex drive, and other intimate, personal information. By her account, she hasn't had many partners, but he doubts it considering she's in her early 40s, has been divorced for over 5 years, and has a teenage son.
* IDEALIZING HIM FROM THE START: From the very 1st date, she was already telling him the things she liked about him.
* SEX WITHIN A MONTH: She moved very fast, and I believe they were sexually active in the 3rd week only having gone out less than 5 times.
* WITHIN 1 MONTH, I LOVE YOU!: That is correct. In fact, I remember him telling me that himself not too long after she told him. My response, "Boy, slow down". He didn't tell her that he loved her until later, but according to him, she kept telling him, "I know how you feel about me, you're just scared to tell me that you love me".
* ORBITERS. AND LOTS OF THEM WAS DISCOVERED WITHIN THE 2ND MONTH: He found it odd that she had lots of "guy friends" that she kept around, and according to her, some of them have shown interest in her. Here is where he began realizing that she has weak boundaries, when he found out that she would meet up with some of those guys in a group for dinner or Happy Hours; even the ones that according to her have made sexual advances to her. Her response to him, "I am just friends with so and so, and I am not interested in him.
* IN THE 4TH OR 5TH MONTH, WAS THEIR 1ST REAL ARGUMENT: After they were out on a date on a Friday night and he dropped her off at home, he later found out that she later text a few of her girlfriends and orbiter male friends to join her for a late happy hour. He found it odd that after he got home from dropping her off, he would call her, text her and no response when she would be quick to respond.....BIG RED FLAG!
* LYING, LYING AND LOTS OF LYING: She would lie or leave out certain information that would change the reality of the entire story. My friend thinks she has a drinking problem. Early on in their relationship, she would go out drinking at Happy hours 3-4 a week. He uncovered many small lies and she would always tell him that it will not happen again.
* DEMANDS CONSTANT ATTENTION: At times he would tell me that no matter how many times a week he would see her, or rearrange his plans to meet up with her, it was never enough.
There are many more incidents which he told me about, but as one can see, there is a pattern here. They have been going out for about a year now, but he told me that around the 6th or 7th month mark was when he felt too many things were not adding up with her stories.
FYI, He has tried 2x or 3x (Not sure exactly) to break up with her, and each and every time she would not accept it and would promise him that she is making positive changes in her life. This began just a few months ago around or close to the 1 year mark.
Some other observable characteristics according to him:
* Easily bored
* Constant need for human interaction
* Impulsive (Would go out at the moment without planning to) to meet up with other friends for happy hour if they call her
* In debt (She makes good money too)
* Looses track of time and how many drinks consumes when she is out
* Hangs out with other girlfriends that she tells my friend are toxic, but she still hangs out with them.
* According to him, GREAT SEX! AND LOTS OF IT! LOL! Maybe that is one reason he is still hanging around
* A few months ago when he confronted her about her plans to minimize her drinking, her response, "I am, just be patient".
Right now he is on the fence of once again, trying to break up with her. Like he told me last night...."I know walking away from this relationship is the right thing to do, but when she tells me that she will change and begins crying, it is hard".
Apparently, she is also manipulating him. I am not sure what has gotten into him since he is a professional, intelligent, decent looking with great people skills, and in the past, including his previous marriage, he would not tolerate 1/10th of what he is tolerating now.
Thanks again for the comments.
I will share many of the comments written here to him.
Ha ha 😂..... In my opinion that is irrelevant to his wellbeing, but I have to admit that she is an attractive, well spoken and outgoing woman. Maybe that is one reason he’s having a tough time letting go. Seriously though, he does seem to care quite a bit for her.
But he's still seeing her? WHY??!! Does he enjoy drama? Does he enjoy wearing a "KICK ME" sign on his back? You say he's tried to break up with her, but she won't allow it? Seinfeld did an entire show on this scenario.
OP: she doesn't have a choice as to whether to "allow" it or not. He tells her he's breaking up with her, blocks her on everything, and walks away. He can change his phone number if necessary. Breaking up is not a consensual activity (except for when it's mutual). He doesn't ever have to see her again, if he doesn't want to. He can break up by text, then block her. The end.
So, what's his problem? Why is he such a pushover?
P.S. Oh, and yeah--she's a nut job.
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