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Guy with looks and personality can get the best of the crop.
Guy with looks and no personality can do very well.
Guy with no looks but fabulous personality can still do pretty well and in some cases (personally knew some like this) very well
Guys with neither looks nor personality will do poorly.
One example but I have more than a few:
growing up in my 'hood in Brooklyn NY in the 60s was a very short very fat (whole family was) kid, he was homely af to boot. But he was oddly confident and smart as ten whips, his Father looked just like him and was also smart (though blue collar), confident and took no crap. Our parents were friends and I watched this boy become popular with the popular, hot girls and I had girlfriends asking me to set them up as he and I had been pals since toddlerhood.
This guy looked like Danny DeVito but uglier. He was also hilarious come to think of it.
He ended up marrying a gorgeous gal from LI from an affluent family (his Father laid carpet; he worked for him) HE left HER years later and now has a not as hot but pretty and has great career (not mail order bride, she makes more $ than him) Filipina lady for a wife.
I have another friend like this but he's a doctor so I figured his $$ was why he got hot girls.
Good post right here.
It just seems to me, some people find it way easier to say "I'm ugly and that isn't my fault, dating is all about looks" rather than acknowledge that their personality isn't very good.
Never ceases to amaze me how staunchly some folks will defend a right to be bitter, angry, and obsessed with stereotypes, rules and absolutes, and generally negative in mindset overall. They seem to imagine it does not show, and that others cannot possibly sense it. And that it's only the right reaction to a horrible world that sucks, and that happy people are delusional. And some sabotage their own efforts, and then blame other people or the oh, so, unfair way the world works, for their problems.
Oh, well.
Imagine there are rules to all this if you must. Excuse me while I refuse to follow them and live happily outside of your silly imaginary world, where everyone is the same, over here. Tell yourself I am lying if it makes you feel better, I guess. Whatever.
(Not replying to you, with "you" in these last statements, AJ. Just the thread in general and a few posters in particular.)
Say what you want but it my personal experience personality only matters after your looks get you in the door. I guess it doesn't matter that we have posters in here saying the same rhing. I guess they must be lying because it doesn't fit your narrative.
Not one bit.
They are telling us how it works for them.
You can tell us how it works for you.
Not all humans are alike or have the same priorities. And there is nothing wrong with that. No one actually has to be "lying."
Looks were not a priority for me. I'm very happy with my 20 year older man. The more I got to know him, the more attractive he looks in my eyes, I feel like I am looking at his soul when I look at him. And the longer I've known him, the more in love I have been.
I'm not lying.
Neither is a woman who says that she went for the hottest guy she could find. I don't have to be like her and she doesn't have to be like me, in order for both of us to exist.
Only thing I can say is what you call bitter I see it as reality.
Dude YES reality is an unappealing guy wil not score if his looks and personality both are abysmal.
"Here lies Beavis, he never scored"
What my experience in life has shown me in multiple cases is that if a guy aint got looks but DOES HAVE PERSONALITY he CAN get decent quality and sometimes really high qual, females.
YES looks will trump personality in many cases; my no-personality asexual son in law I referenced upthread is case in point; personality of a rock but females flinging themselves at his feet because he looks like a Vogue ad come to life.
But if an ugly guy can't win it's very likely his personality is horrid. Like Sonic said, doesn't see it or won't admit it. I've known these types too, zero selfawareness, dullards, bores, boors, immature, whiners, you name it and homely into the bargain. They can't get a girl and wonder why.
Only thing I can say is what you call bitter I see it as reality.
Not trying to pile on or shout you down but you honestly don't know any homely guys who are in relationships? None?
Or even are quite successful in this way?
Yes, good-looking guys have this "easier," overall. So do good-looking women - the hotties all the guys clamor for and fight one another for, leaving the average girls in the dust. SO? Almost NOBODY fits that primo category. They're the minority. So? Big deal. We can all cry about that every day, or we can realize that nearly everybody has to have something more than looks to have a happy relationship, or any relationship. Nearly everybody.
Dude YES reality is an unappealing guy wil not score if his looks and personality both are abysmal.
"Here lies Beavis, he never scored"
What my experience in life has shown me in multiple cases is that if a guy aint got looks but DOES HAVE PERSONALITY he CAN get decent quality and sometimes really high qual, females.
YES looks will trump personality in many cases; my no-personality asexual son in law I referenced upthread is case in point; personality of a rock but females flinging themselves at his feet because he looks like a Vogue ad come to life.
But if an ugly guy can't win it's very likely his personality is horrid. Like Sonic said, doesn't see it or won't admit it. I've known these types too, zero selfawareness, dullards, bores, boors, immature, whiners, you name it and homely into the bargain. They can't get a girl and wonder why.
Or they don't wonder why, they insist however that it is reasons beyond their ability to control or change. Such as looks. Great way to lay blame at the feet of others' shallow perceptions, rather than challenge their own outlook on life, or their words/actions/behavior.
Unfortunately in today's world, on occasions thankfully rare but troublingly present, some are letting this anger at others direct them to violent acts against the ones they think are to blame for their misery. That's very unfortunate for all involved.
Quote:
Originally Posted by topfet
Only thing I can say is what you call bitter I see it as reality.
While we don't bear blame for everything in our reality, we do bear responsibility. When I meet someone who thinks that life is an inevitable series of miseries, I am not eager to join him in his suffering, which is exactly what I expect from someone who sees the world that way.
I could meet the best looking (by my own standards which are highly subjective) guy who has ever lived, but if I got the slightest whiff of that sort of attitude, he'd instantly become someone I couldn't wait to get away from. And being who I am, I do not consent to sex with someone without getting a feel for what kind of person they are. A few hours of conversation at the least. It is far more likely to get a "nope" from me with a bad attitude than it is for being less than gorgeous to look at.
But that's ME. I also don't (when single) go looking for partners in bars, I don't drink, I don't dance, that doesn't mean that no one does that. I only have to be responsible for my own life choices, not anyone else's. I don't really care what other people are doing, so long as it isn't harming others.
And my perspective is also informed by life. Because I was with a man with a negative attitude and outlook for a long time, one who insists that his reality shapes his outlook rather than the other way around. And I worked my butt off for 18 years trying to prove to him that life could be happy and good, only to have him forever drag me down into the trenches with him and create conflict and crisis to validate his belief that life sucks. Nah, never again with that bad trip, dude. Fool me once...
I have to introduce myself before commenting. I'm a 71 year old man. I was pretty good looking in my 20s and 30s, but time makes wreckage of us all. My stud muffin days are far behind me. I'm also married to a very average looking woman, who is the love of my life and also so brilliant she glows in the dark. She has mentored many young people, and is highly sought, even in retirement, for her management expertise.
Just being married to my wife earns me a bunch of points with women. I'm not going to speculate on why that is, but women will judge you by the women you are close to. Put a smile on the face of a woman they like and admire, and your attractiveness will shoot up like a bottle rocket.
Yeah, you're stressed out. Women are too. She's worried about making her rent, the crap job she is stuck in, whether you are just one more exploitive jerk, and whether she can make it to the end of the month without running out of money. Under that, she has hopes and dreams. Talk about those. Talk about a better life, a better future, and how to get there. What are her dreams and her sorrows? Forget pick up lines and just get to know her. You may make a friend. Be approachable, friendly, and give her your attention. You will be amazed at how far that will get you. Word will get around. Sooner or later you will move out of the friend zone, with her or one of her friends.
Men have a lot of wiggle room on attractiveness. You have to be a real dog to be totally unattractive, but some men are incredibly clueless. Bathing is not something you do before a date, it's a shower every morning because you might meet a woman. They are half the human race, and surprisingly common. Visit your dentist regularly. No woman wants to kiss a sewer. Pay attention to your grooming. You don't have to be a metrosexual to be neat. If there is no line between your neck beard and your chest hair, buy a set of clippers. You don't have to be handsome, just don't be actively repulsive.
On your way to being a nice guy, avoid turning into a passive-aggressive jackhole who tries to guilt people into liking him. It won't work. The world is full of people you won't like, and who won't like you. Figure it out and move on.
But then, I'm just an old guy who's not in the market in this modern world. What do I know?
I'm really getting tired of the if an ugly guy can't get a date it must be his personality bs. You don't know me or what I've done, just because you know a someone who is ugly we a good personality who managed to be successful in dating doesn't mean it's going to work for all of us. Trust me I know this all too well or don't I really don't care. People like you are why I don't listen to these ridiculous speeches anymore.
Guy with looks and personality can get the best of the crop.
Guy with looks and no personality can do very well.
Guy with no looks but fabulous personality can still do pretty well and in some cases (personally knew some like this) very well
Guys with neither looks nor personality will do poorly.
One example but I have more than a few:
growing up in my 'hood in Brooklyn NY in the 60s was a very short very fat (whole family was) kid, he was homely af to boot. But he was oddly confident and smart as ten whips, his Father looked just like him and was also smart (though blue collar), confident and took no crap. Our parents were friends and I watched this boy become popular with the popular, hot girls and I had girlfriends asking me to set them up as he and I had been pals since toddlerhood.
This guy looked like Danny DeVito but uglier. He was also hilarious come to think of it.
He ended up marrying a gorgeous gal from LI from an affluent family (his Father laid carpet; he worked for him) HE left HER years later and now has a not as hot but pretty and has great career (not mail order bride, she makes more $ than him) Filipina lady for a wife.
I have another friend like this but he's a doctor so I figured his $$ was why he got hot girls.
I also know ugly people with good personalities who are single and mostly get ignored. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that all single ugly people who are struggling is because they don’t have a personality. The bottom line is that many people don’t want to get to know your personality if you don’t have looks good enough to get in the door.
I can only speak for myself but I never claimed that ugly people can’t find someone, but it’s not easy. A lot of people point to famous ugly people in relationships which isn’t even a fair comparison, because they have money and social status that the vast majority of people will never attain. Some people seem to be so quick to try to discount and invalidate ugly peoples’ experiences in the dating world by telling them “Looks don’t matter” or “You just don’t have a personality”, but the bottom line is that a lot of the time that stuff takes a backseat to looks. And I’m not saying that people have to date ugly people because no one has to date anyone that they’re not attracted to, but I can sympathize because I’ve been through it and I know how hard it is being ugly in this world.
I'm really getting tired of the if an ugly guy can't get a date it must be his personality bs. You don't know me or what I've done, just because you know a someone who is ugly we a good personality who managed to be successful in dating doesn't mean it's going to work for all of us. Trust me I know this all too well or don't I really don't care. People like you are why I don't listen to these ridiculous speeches anymore.
But what are people supposed to say? I think there is some merit to your point, if your point is that some people can do a decent job of presenting themselves and still struggle to a painful degree. That's true, but that doesn't make the tendency to offer advice that questions or emphasizes non looks related issues or style choices that may be hurting a person misguided. Most of us could do a little better in some manner that both would be good for us and possibly make us a little more attractive. Do you disagree with the proposition that whatever your level of first impression physical attractiveness, you only help yourself by being as open and engaging and as interesting as you can be, and by dressing and grooming your self in a way that flatters you?
And if you (you personally or universal you) are already doing well with the things you can control and you're still struggling, what advice would you want to hear?
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