Just be yourself is both the best and worst advice (guy, love)
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I wont argue with that. However, being "the best" version of one self is a utopia. We can and should improve things about our life, but perfection dont exist as we all know. So absolute terms like "best" are not entirely applicable here
If you've tried or are trying to be your best and it's not perfection, that is still quite commendable and acceptable as your 'best'.
The value lies in how sincere you are in your efforts. There are never ...OK....very rarely, two winners of a marathon, but even those that didn't come in first despite all the training and effort they put into it, did their 'best'.
The pretenders that ran on Saturday for a half hour and cried how hard they worked, did not.
Most can tell the difference between, their 'best' and their 'best'
The thing is, sometimes, when a person says sitting at home on the couch and avoiding people is "me just being myself," it isn't. Rather, it's a depressed or hopeless or bored version of themselves. So they're STILL not "being themselves" by rotting in front of Netflix.
Similarly, shoveling down food as in the first pic (so flattering) on the article isn't necessarily the guy "being himself." Does his real self truly want to shove food until he gets sick? It's more likely he's bored, has nothing else to look forward to, so he stuffs and stuffs and stuffs. Why is that his "authentic" self? It probably isn't.
Or someone with severe social anxiety or whatever...that anxiety ruling the person, isn't the person's deepest self.
And looking from the other side of the coin, some people SHOULDN'T just be "themselves" if an "authentic" aspect of their personality, beliefs, actions, etc. is harmful. If never getting a job is just being yourself then why is being authentic in that way superior? What happens when your parents die and the collection agency moves the couch from under you?
Or what if you're just being yourself by hating a certain group of people. Or setting fires. Or stealing. Those things shouldn't be changed?
I hear a lot of "that's just me, I keep it real" when people want to be truly awful and to push buttons like crazy. And you just know that's not authentic and an earnest part of the person's personality. Rather, that's anger, helplessness, or sometimes, really, really, really wanting attention.
Now as far as being yourself in dating, no, you should not pretend to love things you don't, or hate things you love, or put on a different voice or make stuff up. That WILL backfire. When people say to just be yourself in dating, they're saying that if you put on a big front to attract someone, it's going to come up and bite you. You'll get sick of it at some point, and/or you'll hate yourself. And at some point the person will figure out that your'e a phony and may dump you. It just can't really work out well. But that doesn't mean: wander around in a stained shirt on your first date, burp and fart. I can't believe people need articles to make distinctions like these. That seems impossible to me. But apparently, it's a real "thing."
The concept behind "just be yourself" needs to be explained to fully understand.
Why it's good:
It means you don't have to change to get the person you desire. You don't have to lie about your job or having money, if you're an introvert you don't have to pretend to be an extrovert. You don't have to hide your hobbies or be ashamed of who you are. You don't have to change. You can be the person you are naturally comfortable with being and the right person will accept it, there is no pressure to change.
Why it's bad:
Because some people really do need to change for the better to get the person they want. This could mean losing weight and going to the gym. This could me going back to school and quitting that job as a burger flipper. This could mean learning how to cook and clean.
At the end oft he day you must recognize what you want and what you bring to the table. If you can't find what you want, your standards are either too high, you're not "marketable" enough, or you're not patient enough or you're not actively traveling and looking in new locations.
But see I'm not even sure that being yourself precludes change. It certainly doesn't preclude development and growth. Sometimes being single beyond any useful time frame is life telling you that you need to grow.
One person might think of growth as managing their time better. Another might think they need to read more. Someone else might choose to learn to play guitar, and another might start an ambitious exercise program, or expand their business. These could all be very different people who are being themselves by choosing their path to grow and develop. All of those different choices have practical benefits, and all of them will likely make the person undertaking them more attractive at least by virtue of being more focused and self directed. And playing guitar is just so cool
But then another type of growth for another type of person in a dating slump might be to say, in answer to being beckoned toward some growth oriented change, "no, I'm good, but thanks," and really believe and live that choice. Like with the choices above, if someone isn't feeling the need to make tangible changes or just doesn't want to, and opts for something more subtle like "I think I'll just stop for a decade and watch sunsets", that ostensibly no-growth choice is as empowering and brings the same benefits as the learning, earning, or accomplishing choices above, if the person really makes that choice theirs.
I am completely unpretentious when engaged with people in a social context. I don’t understand why anyone would be anything other than that. At work, I try to be honest with myself and others but sometimes I have to be what they pay me to be, e.g. more friendly and outgoing.
I can definitely struggle with this in some contexts. One of the reasons I’m terrible at online dating.
In real life I am warm, low level snarky, opinionated, sarcastic, bubbly, and good at conversation. But when you haven’t met me my trademark comments can come off as caustic or aggressive, but in reality no one would describe me that way.
Obviously you can’t get a full picture in messages, texts or even early conversations. I end up expending quite a bit of mental energy to shield people from that side in some circumstances. For me it is so amazing when I can lose that shield quickly. They are always the hardest for me to get over.
When two people find they can be real with each other, and not scare the other away, it's a beautiful thing.
My experiences with both my ex and some people in dating left me very wary of the "too good to be true". It left me very wary of pretension and fakery and excess flattery. I deal very harshly with dishonesty. I also bristle at anyone trying to change me in any significant way.
Meanwhile, my SO had dealt with exes who took issue with his idiosyncrasies to an extreme. So he'd reached the point of basically letting it all hang out, good or bad. If someone didn't like it, too bad.
So both of us appreciate being real and comfortable with each other. I was drawn to his transparency and honesty like a moth to a flame. I'd much rather deal with the occasion "Wow, did he really just say that aloud?" than "Why didn't he tell me?" or "Why did he lie to me?"
He appreciates that he can be himself, and not get in trouble for it. So do I. I lived so long with being second-guessed and criticized in every way that being accepted as I am is just amazing. For that, I don't mind his quirks. They just make him who he is, and I am good with the whole package.
I am never one to encourage someone put up a front when it comes to the dating scene. At some point, the mask will drop. Then what? Start all over again? Ugh.... Not my idea of fun.
Your post reminds me of a friend of mine. She is stunningly beautiful. She puts all her effort into her physical appearance; goes to the gym, diets, buys nice clothes, spends $100s on her hair and makeup. Truly, she is gorgeous.
Then you have a conversation with her. She isn't stupid, but she is woefully uninformed. Here are samples of things she has said:
"You're going to Hamilton? What's that, a restaurant?"
"Who is Mike Pence?"
"What is Infinity War? Is that a movie?"
I love her to death, but damn...
I have a friend like that. However, she is definitely not being herself. She is trying very hard for this one guy and putting on different acts for him. I don't tell her to just be herself, but to be true to who she is (which is a better version of the phrase).
If she's pretty, I don't care if she knows who Mike Pence is. The U.S. Vice President isn't tremendously important. Former Vice President John Nance Garner called the job worthless.
I've had females bring up politics way too soon in an approach, so I would be totally cool with a woman who didn't know Pence.
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