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Old 05-26-2018, 07:42 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115947

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shy&Quiet View Post
been there, done that, got therapy for social anxiety for 10 years, this includes 4 therapists of individual therapy, group therapy, meet ups, reading books and audio books, etc... It didn't work at all. I wasted my all of that money for nothing. I am not trying to be with her romantically, but my mind doesn't work like that since I don't talk to girls. I would think of her as a possible girlfriend even though I know that's not the situation I am in since she already has a boyfriend. I just wanted to know if it's normal what she said, me going there because her boyfriend couldn't go. Why would it be strange? I want to understand it more in detail why this or isn't acceptable.
You did therapy for 10 years, but got no benefit? Is that true? How old were you, when you started the therapy? Maybe it wasn't a good therapist, or maybe they have better techniques, these days. It does help a lot of people, so I think you need to look more deeply at why it didn't work for you, and consider trying again, after interviewing a few therapists, and finding out what their treatment for it is.
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Old 05-27-2018, 12:09 AM
 
Location: The ghetto
17,379 posts, read 8,962,351 times
Reputation: 13276
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
Ignore her regardless of your own problems. She isn't one that going to benefit you in any way
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
I don't think you should bother with her....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cida View Post
Forget about this girl.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tominftl View Post
Leave this other one alone. She has nothing for you. I can see her being trouble.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Some people are totally fine to hang out with opposite sex friends while they are in a relationship. But I think that, given your inexperience, it's probably better if you don't do that with her.
I disagree with all of the above comments. He doesn't have other friends, it doesn't seem like he's in a position to seek out other people to interact with, she lives in the same town....and, really, what is the downside? He needs social interaction. As someone mentioned, he needs to face his fears.

OP, have you considered the possibility that maybe she doesn't really have a boyfriend? She may have just said that so you'd feel less anxiety about meeting her.

And have you considered the possibility that she didn't show up the first time because she was more scared of you than you were of her?

Regardless of whether she views you as a friend or a potential boyfriend, what's to lose by hanging out with her?

There's nothing to gain by pushing her away. Go meet her.
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Old 05-27-2018, 12:18 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
The bitterness and resistance he displayed when describing his therapy experience does not show the kind of openness and vulnerability required for friendship OR relationships.

He doesn’t sound like the kind who would push himself either.
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Old 05-27-2018, 04:53 AM
 
Location: Planet Earth, USA
1,704 posts, read 2,318,708 times
Reputation: 3492
Her social anxiety could be worse than yours. Maybe that's why she didn't show up the first time.

You have a valid point though about not wanting to meet if she has a bf already. You hardly talk to each other anyway. Maybe she is looking to ditch him but sounds like too much trouble for someone in your condition and little experience.

I'd keep her on the back burner and look into joining social anxiety forums to meet new friends if you haven't already.
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Old 05-27-2018, 06:58 AM
 
188 posts, read 201,845 times
Reputation: 485
Quote:
Originally Posted by redplum33 View Post
I disagree with all of the above comments. He doesn't have other friends, it doesn't seem like he's in a position to seek out other people to interact with, she lives in the same town....and, really, what is the downside? He needs social interaction. As someone mentioned, he needs to face his fears.

OP, have you considered the possibility that maybe she doesn't really have a boyfriend? She may have just said that so you'd feel less anxiety about meeting her.

And have you considered the possibility that she didn't show up the first time because she was more scared of you than you were of her?

Regardless of whether she views you as a friend or a potential boyfriend, what's to lose by hanging out with her?

There's nothing to gain by pushing her away. Go meet her.

My initial reaction was, "Dude, this could be the perfect friend for you!" because she has social anxiety like him. It'd be really nice for both of them to know someone who understood what living with social anxiety was like, and they'd be more likely to be sympathetic and lenient with each other about being awkward or freaking out and canceling.

Buuuuut he's being weird about her relationship status. He made it a point to mention that his potential friend was FEMALE and he's never had a female friend in his life and their first planned meet up was NOT A DATE. He says he's NOT interested in her romantically, but as soon as he found out she had a boyfriend he didn't want to meet her anymore and got childish about what could they possibly ever do if they meet up besides him watch her make out with her boyfriend.

He's being defensive about how he's not interested in her romantically, but his focus is all on her gender and relationship status. Seems like he's probably a Nice Guy™ (dude who's intent is to build a friendship into a romance and who gets upset when he realizes that isn't going to happen), which wouldn't be good for the girl to have to deal with.
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Old 05-27-2018, 08:27 AM
 
Location: Forests of Maine
37,331 posts, read 61,154,439 times
Reputation: 30256
We have a couple friends who have social anxiety disorders. I try to remember to invite them to all of our events and functions, but it took us a long time to really understand what was happening. When each of them is 'up' they get along great. But if I talk to them, invite them to join us and they agree to it, they tend to cancel 80% of the time. At first the cancelations bothered me. But over time, I have began to understand.

I think that for two people to both have social anxiety disorders, the relationship would be doomed to start.

How would you ever manage to time both cycles together. Whenever one person was 'up' the other person would likely be down.

You would be good for empathy with each other. But most of the time, neither person could climb out from under their covers and even leave their apartment.

I think it is a bad mix.

It would be like two people with bipolar, most of the time they would fight.
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Old 05-27-2018, 08:32 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,700 posts, read 34,240,753 times
Reputation: 76911
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueFebruary View Post
My initial reaction was, "Dude, this could be the perfect friend for you!" because she has social anxiety like him. It'd be really nice for both of them to know someone who understood what living with social anxiety was like, and they'd be more likely to be sympathetic and lenient with each other about being awkward or freaking out and canceling.

Buuuuut he's being weird about her relationship status. He made it a point to mention that his potential friend was FEMALE and he's never had a female friend in his life and their first planned meet up was NOT A DATE. He says he's NOT interested in her romantically, but as soon as he found out she had a boyfriend he didn't want to meet her anymore and got childish about what could they possibly ever do if they meet up besides him watch her make out with her boyfriend.

He's being defensive about how he's not interested in her romantically, but his focus is all on her gender and relationship status. Seems like he's probably a Nice Guy™ (dude who's intent is to build a friendship into a romance and who gets upset when he realizes that isn't going to happen), which wouldn't be good for the girl to have to deal with.
That's what I was thinking, as well. OP has the opportunity to socialize and be comfortable with this woman, and since she's not single there isn't the added pressure of a romantic relationship. They can just hang out and support each other as friends who both deal with anxiety issues. But the fact that he did get so defensive about "watching them make out" does sound like sour grapes.
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Old 05-27-2018, 09:50 AM
 
1,660 posts, read 1,204,074 times
Reputation: 2890
he's just a boyfriend, it doesnt mean anything until he puts a ring onher finger...so just hang out with her once in a while what does it hurt maybe he wont be the right guy and they'll break up and then that opens up the possibility for her to date you
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Old 05-27-2018, 05:48 PM
 
7 posts, read 3,740 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonaldJTrump View Post
he's just a boyfriend, it doesnt mean anything until he puts a ring onher finger...so just hang out with her once in a while what does it hurt maybe he wont be the right guy and they'll break up and then that opens up the possibility for her to date you

I don't date. I need to get a lot of plastic surgery done on my face. My dermatologist said it's the only way to fix the problem I have on my face.
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Old 05-27-2018, 05:55 PM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
50,178 posts, read 63,623,198 times
Reputation: 92924
I would advise you to be yourself. Go places you want to go. Do what you want to do. While you are doing those things, be open to the people around you...no expectations and no pressure. Perhaps you will connect.
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