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Old 06-23-2018, 12:22 AM
 
1,178 posts, read 682,470 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist View Post
OK, I retract my statement about the word "always". But with power comes responsibility. If a woman is in charge of the relationship, it's only fair for her to shoulder the blame if/when it goes south.
Must be so nice to live in your world in which women control everything in a relationship!

Red pill mich?!?
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Old 06-23-2018, 01:29 AM
 
Location: SoCal
14,530 posts, read 20,025,597 times
Reputation: 10539
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist View Post
Being in charge in and of itself does not make a person evil. Is your boss evil because you report to him/her? No! It just gives him/her more power (and more responsibility). Is your boss evil when he/she exploits you. Yes. Same with with women in relationships. A woman is not "evil" just by being in charge. She's only "evil" if she treats her man poorly.

Oh, and "sleep with the enemy"? I said in another thread that I find the idea of sex as pleasant as the idea of a colonoscopy.
Just the fact that you think somebody is in charge of a relationship shows what you don't understand about relationships. You don't seem to grasp the concept that in a healthy relationship both partners are in charge of the relationship!

Wow! You must have a super proctologist! If he gives colonoscopies as good as sex I want him as MY proctologist! Please PM me his contact info!
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Old 06-23-2018, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Nevada
777 posts, read 450,039 times
Reputation: 1613
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist View Post
"Always" is an overstatement. Even so, the woman is in charge in most relationships nowadays. And with great power comes great responsibility. Which includes being blamed when something goes wrong.

The OP's guy friend is far from an angel, I'll give you that. But still.
Funny, I don't feel like I am "in charge" in my relationship now, and definitely not in my last marriage. But in my current relationship, it's a bit more equal than the marriage.

But on the whole, many relationships proceed at the man's pace, not the woman's, from making the first move to proposing marriage. Women are cautioned not to pressure, or he'll run away. Of course there are exceptions and times are changing, but there is still a very heavy bias in favor of the man controlling the relationship.


My current relationship, it took longer for my SO to come around to believe it could be something permanent. I am the one who was patient and gave him his time and space. I was the one who had to prove to him that I wasn't going to go berserk and turn into some control freak.

Other guys I dated between my divorce and current SO? Same thing. Either trying to rush things at a pace I felt was unwise, or not progressing the relationship at all.... Different sides of the coin, but they were in control.


All turned out well in the end, because having been burned before as well, I was okay with my SO's slow pace, more or less.
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Old 06-23-2018, 09:28 AM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
90,316 posts, read 120,364,617 times
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^^I agree the man is almost always in control.
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Old 06-23-2018, 11:19 AM
 
1,178 posts, read 682,470 times
Reputation: 1187
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann Onn View Post
Funny, I don't feel like I am "in charge" in my relationship now, and definitely not in my last marriage. But in my current relationship, it's a bit more equal than the marriage.

But on the whole, many relationships proceed at the man's pace, not the woman's, from making the first move to proposing marriage. Women are cautioned not to pressure, or he'll run away. Of course there are exceptions and times are changing, but there is still a very heavy bias in favor of the man controlling the relationship.


My current relationship, it took longer for my SO to come around to believe it could be something permanent. I am the one who was patient and gave him his time and space. I was the one who had to prove to him that I wasn't going to go berserk and turn into some control freak.

Other guys I dated between my divorce and current SO? Same thing. Either trying to rush things at a pace I felt was unwise, or not progressing the relationship at all.... Different sides of the coin, but they were in control.


All turned out well in the end, because having been burned before as well, I was okay with my SO's slow pace, more or less.
Wouldn’t let me rep you. But yes a thousand times. Every man I dated since the divorce also either moved it along ir ended it. Now I found someone who moves at as slow a pace as me and it is awesome, but every other one was the dude.
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Old 06-23-2018, 12:16 PM
 
Location: SoCal
14,530 posts, read 20,025,597 times
Reputation: 10539
Well I seem to be in the minority, perhaps I'm a dreamer in thinking a relationship could be equal. All I can say is that I don't want to control any more than 50% of my relationship. (Just making it clear that I'm a man.) Most of my relationships tend towards that and maybe I never paid that much attention to the exact amount because I'm easy going and it just doesn't appeal to me to be controlling or be controlled.
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Old 06-23-2018, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Oakland, CA
28,226 posts, read 36,747,394 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovehound View Post
Well I seem to be in the minority, perhaps I'm a dreamer in thinking a relationship could be equal. All I can say is that I don't want to control any more than 50% of my relationship. (Just making it clear that I'm a man.) Most of my relationships tend towards that and maybe I never paid that much attention to the exact amount because I'm easy going and it just doesn't appeal to me to be controlling or be controlled.
That is reminding me of this song right now:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCVRE6qXdwU

Quote:
I've experienced over and over when
I've given eighty percent and she's given twenty percent
Now she's givin' seventy percent and I'm givin' thirty
But you just don't know how it feels to have somebody that you can share your whole life
Somebody that you don't mind talkin' to
Somebody that you don't mind goin' down middle of the road
I know a lot of guys today they wish they had somebody just like you
I don't know when the last time I told you but girl, you make me so very happy
I think we've got something that a lot of people don't seem to have
Talkin' 'bout a fifty/fifty love, yeah
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Old 06-23-2018, 03:21 PM
 
Location: Jupiter
10,216 posts, read 8,278,238 times
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Whenever a man says he doesn't want a relationship, believe him.

Just cause someone has sex with you doesn't mean he or she likes you.
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Old 06-23-2018, 03:30 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,702 posts, read 1,822,865 times
Reputation: 4823
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann Onn View Post
Funny, I don't feel like I am "in charge" in my relationship now, and definitely not in my last marriage. But in my current relationship, it's a bit more equal than the marriage.

But on the whole, many relationships proceed at the man's pace, not the woman's, from making the first move to proposing marriage. Women are cautioned not to pressure, or he'll run away. Of course there are exceptions and times are changing, but there is still a very heavy bias in favor of the man controlling the relationship.


My current relationship, it took longer for my SO to come around to believe it could be something permanent. I am the one who was patient and gave him his time and space. I was the one who had to prove to him that I wasn't going to go berserk and turn into some control freak.

Other guys I dated between my divorce and current SO? Same thing. Either trying to rush things at a pace I felt was unwise, or not progressing the relationship at all.... Different sides of the coin, but they were in control.


All turned out well in the end, because having been burned before as well, I was okay with my SO's slow pace, more or less.

That mirrors my experiences too, as far as men being the ones who typically initiate and move the relationship forward. If the man is usually the "gas pedal" then the woman can be the "brakes", who can pace the relationship by slowing it down if it is moving too fast for her comfort level.

In my view, it's not really so much a gender issue; rather a relationship moves forward only at the pace of the person who wants to go the slowest. The eager one (man or woman) is in a position where they have to decide to be patient with their slower paced partner, or not.

When my late-husband and I were dating, he was the one always "applying the gas" throughout our courtship. From the first date, casual dating, exclusive dating, engagement and finally marriage. I was applying the brakes to slow things down to my comfort level. Being the gentleman that he was, he didn't press me too hard, but he let his intentions known to me early on. Our courtship was a sweet and romantic time for us that we both often looked back on with fondness. So many good memories.
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Old 06-23-2018, 08:31 PM
 
Location: SoCal
14,530 posts, read 20,025,597 times
Reputation: 10539
Quote:
Originally Posted by jade408 View Post
That is reminding me of this song right now:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCVRE6qXdwU
OMG Jade I love you so much for sharing this song with me, and with our forum.

Yes I was round when Teddy Pendergrass was was popular, this tune was from '78 but I remember Soul and R&B back from the '60s (yes I am a that old) and I remember when it was surf or soul. Yeah, the Beachboys vs. Marvin Gaye and etc. (OMG that era was so heavy re: music!)

Yeah Jade I listened to the whole song, and I loved it. Maybe I am a romantic, but I still believe that this kind of love exists and can be found.

There is just no true love unless each partner gives at least 60%-70% to their lover. It should be 50% but I always like to think that the extra 10%-20% doesn't hurt anything, and takes care of the possibility that I might not be seeing the whole picture from my lady's eyes, and putting in a bit more effort is worth the insurance in case my judgement is not what it should be.

This is what I think is missing from relationships that I see discussed at present. People seem to think they are entitled to 50%. Well they are. Except being involved they may not realize where the 50% line is.

I buy extra insurance on my auto in case I hit a Mercedes full of rich people. I pay extra attention to my woman du jour in case I suffer a flaw in judgement (like the car accident) and may overestimate how much love and respect I'm giving my woman.

Jeez I'll just overpay that obligation and consider it time and money and feelings well spent. You just can't spend too much attention on your lover.
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