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I still say that the OP's guy friend likes her (or at least has warm friendship-type feelings for her), but had a barrage of life experiences that prevent him from willingly accepting the "relationship" label. Maybe he grew up in a toxic, controlling family, and saw some TV tropes that imprinted on him, and witnessed people get into highly codependent relationships. (While he's more of an independent type.) That's a perfect storm for being majorly gun-shy about anything romantic.
I'm not justifying his actions. Having sex with the OP was a dick move (har-har!) on his part. But I'm giving people some new information to work with. The OP is gone (not a member), but I'm sure she isn't the only woman in that situation.
I still say that the OP's guy friend likes her (or at least has warm friendship-type feelings for her), but had a barrage of life experiences that prevent him from willingly accepting the "relationship" label. Maybe he grew up in a toxic, controlling family, and saw some TV tropes that imprinted on him, and witnessed people get into highly codependent relationships. (While he's more of an independent type.) That's a perfect storm for being majorly gun-shy about anything romantic.
I'm not justifying his actions. Having sex with the OP was a dick move (har-har!) on his part. But I'm giving people some new information to work with. The OP is gone (not a member), but I'm sure she isn't the only woman in that situation.
If it were me, this too would keep me away...he's a grown man...he needs to work out his "toxic" experiences himself, OR okay, with me, fine, but he's a grownup. Work on them, or if not, I'm moving along, because we ALL have had negative experiences, but as grownups, before pulling other people into our lives (and this guy seems pretty darned possessive of the OP's time...not the other way around), we need to work those out. Not say "oh no, I had bad experiences...so I'm going to use but hurt other people, and keep going along this way."
Immaturity, head in the sand, unwillingness to work on one's own issues (we ALL have a few)...not a recipe for even a kinda-sorta relationship (that just happens to involve sex)...IMO. Want to be an adult, work on your own ish like we humans work on our own ish, and not hide away forever in arrested development? Or actually SAY (you know, like a grownup does), "Hey, I like you. But I've had some experiences in my past that I'm working through and I'd prefer to take things slowly. Are you okay with that? And then we can see what develops and get to know and trust one another"? Cool, I'm down! When do we start?
Or actually SAY (you know, like a grownup does), "Hey, I like you. But I've had some experiences in my past that I'm working through and I'd prefer to take things slowly. Are you okay with that? And then we can see what develops and get to know and trust one another"? Cool, I'm down! When do we start?
I'm a bit about the use of the word "grownup", because the C-D crowd seems to conflate growing up and handing over your freedom in a paper bag; but what you said sounds totally fair. It's basically coming clean, laying your cards on the table, and being willing to accept the consequences. Which is also what a "grownup" does. The OP's seems to have already done that, although the sex was a big mistake on both of their parts.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 06-20-2018 at 04:38 PM..
If it were me, this too would keep me away...he's a grown man...he needs to work out his "toxic" experiences himself, OR okay, with me, fine, but he's a grownup. Work on them, or if not, I'm moving along, because we ALL have had negative experiences, but as grownups, before pulling other people into our lives (and this guy seems pretty darned possessive of the OP's time...not the other way around), we need to work those out. Not say "oh no, I had bad experiences...so I'm going to use but hurt other people, and keep going along this way."
Immaturity, head in the sand, unwillingness to work on one's own issues (we ALL have a few)...not a recipe for even a kinda-sorta relationship (that just happens to involve sex)...IMO. Want to be an adult, work on your own ish like we humans work on our own ish, and not hide away forever in arrested development? Or actually SAY (you know, like a grownup does), "Hey, I like you. But I've had some experiences in my past that I'm working through and I'd prefer to take things slowly. Are you okay with that? And then we can see what develops and get to know and trust one another"? Cool, I'm down! When do we start?
ITA! Trust me, I was single long enough to have heard a lot of this stuff, also from my friends. What happens next is he meets "the one" and forgets all about these "toxic" influences and gets married within 6 months or so. It's a line of BS, really.
ITA! Trust me, I was single long enough to have heard a lot of this stuff, also from my friends. What happens next is he meets "the one" and forgets all about these "toxic" influences and gets married within 6 months or so. It's a line of BS, really.
Those were not the words of a man in love, bottom line. And after dating for 5 months, he is letting her know that he is not and never will be in love with her. She's good enough for now, but nothing more.
Those were not the words of a man in love, bottom line. And after dating for 5 months, he is letting her know that he is not and never will be in love with her. She's good enough for now, but nothing more.
What's confusing is his constant invitations to her--several times/week. And the kisses in response to her telling him "friends only", or something in that vein. He's really sending mixed signals. If she's not "the One", or not potentially "the One", why so much attachment?
What's confusing is his constant invitations to her--several times/week. And the kisses in response to her telling him "friends only", or something in that vein. He's really sending mixed signals. If she's not "the One", or not potentially "the One", why so much attachment?
I said it before, and I'll say it again. He likes her, but fears the "relationship" label. So, he wants to be with her, but feels apprehensive about what will be expected from him (abandon all his hobbies, throw out all his collections, let her micromanage his diet, etc.), should he agree to move forward with the relationship.
The only real solution at this point is for the OP to tell her guy friend point blank, that she won't impose any of those demands. At that point, it's on him whether to accept her statements as the honest truth, and act accordingly.
I said it before, and I'll say it again. He likes her, but fears the "relationship" label. So, he wants to be with her, but feels apprehensive about what will be expected from him (abandon all his hobbies, throw out all his collections, let her micromanage his diet, etc.), should he agree to move forward with the relationship.
The only real solution at this point is for the OP to tell her guy friend point blank, that she won't impose any of those demands. At that point, it's on him whether to accept her statements, and act accordingly.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. He is the one monopolizing her time and keeping in constant contact, not her. If he is afraid of giving up "hobbies" he has a weird way of showing it.
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As for"why"? Because she has expressed clearly that she wants more so he knows he can keep reeling her back in for the companionship (without commitment) that he wants. He doesn't love her, but he wants to make sure she sticks around, for as long as he wants her around. So...the time filling and all the kisses and so on.
As for"why"? Because she has expressed clearly that she wants more so he knows he can keep reeling her back in for the companionship (without commitment) that he wants. He doesn't love her, but he wants to make sure she sticks around, for as long as he wants her around. So...the time filling and all the kisses and so on.
I'll give you that. The sex part is what makes me think you might be right. Still, I'm hoping they can either get along as friends without the sex or build a relationship in a way that doesn't spook the dude.
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When do we start?
about the use of the word "grownup", because the C-D crowd seems to conflate growing up and handing over your freedom in a paper bag; but what you said sounds totally fair. It's basically coming clean, laying your cards on the table, and being willing to accept the consequences. Which is also what a "grownup" does. The OP's seems to have already done that, although the sex was a big mistake on both of their parts.
