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Just to be fair, the "OP's fellow" is not here to tell us HIS side of the story, so in effect guessing what Urban thinks and guessing with OP's fellow thinks are both open to conjecture.
This is very true but a lot of what UM says seems to be directly contradicted by the OP. For instance, he continues to say this man may be afraid he won't be able to perform his hobbies and so on and that he is afraid he won't have his own "me" time, but this guy is the one monopolizing the OP's time, not the other way around. So even though it's all just guessing, some things seem way less likely than others, given what we do know.
I see a lot of myself in the OP's guy friend. I even have a female friend with whom I turned down a relationship. Although the big difference is that he chose to have sex with the OP. While I view the idea of sex as pleasant as getting an colonoscopy.
So here's what I have to say. I think he fears the "relationship" label not because he fears exclusivity and/or commitment, but because of what he believes will be expected from him. Such as giving up his current hobbies, throwing away a collection he spent years building, having to constantly watch his back about being nagged, having his diet micromanaged, or whatever other ideas he picked up from people around him and the media. All of which, in his mind, is 100% true. That's why he doesn't want a relationship, despite enjoying your company, and quite possibly having no problem with being exclusive.
OP, I hope you read this. It could give up a lot of insight no one else has mentioned yet.
My current SO has expressed some of these concerns to me. He felt like he got the bait and switch in his last marriage, where she was nice and accepting of his quirks and hobbies... until they lived together.
He needed time to believe that I'm not suddenly going to do a 180 and start nagging and griping about things that I have been cool with so far.
The one thing my SO didn't do was say he never wanted a LTR. He just admitted to be gun shy for the above reasons, and needing to take things slowly. All the while though, he was expressing appreciation for me and putting out a vibe of "this seems to be working out so far". So that's where he was different than OP's non-relationship relationship.
And as long as it remained an exclusive relationship, I was fine with taking it slowly, because I have been burned in the past also.
So yeah... finding someone who accepts you as you are, is huge. Finding someone who isn't going to try to change you (in any major way) is huge. The corollary is also huge - finding someone you can accept as they are and not try to change.... It goes both ways.
People of both genders can try to take over and make their partner into someone they're not. Enough bad experiences with others not accepting you as is and trying to change you into someone else would leave anyone with a bad taste in their mouth about relationships.
You are confusing the OP having changed to a custom user title. On other forums I have sometimes changed my title to Banned Member. For that matter, have a close look at my user title and you will discover a Spanish pun.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
This is very true but a lot of what UM says seems to be directly contradicted by the OP. For instance, he continues to say this man may be afraid he won't be able to perform his hobbies and so on and that he is afraid he won't have his own "me" time, but this guy is the one monopolizing the OP's time, not the other way around. So even though it's all just guessing, some things seem way less likely than others, given what we do know.
Don't equate my conditional comment on one UM post as any endorsement. If you put 1,000,000 monkeys typing on 1,000,000 typewriters for 1,000,000 years they would eventually produce all literary and scientific works known to man. (And fill up one hell of a landfill!)
The one thing my SO didn't do was say he never wanted a LTR.
That's one thing I don't get. How could anybody begin a relationship, and have a timeline and exit strategy already planned?
I just start a relationship and see where it goes. I stick with it as long as it's working. And of course exclusive is assumed since not being exclusive implies there will be a new relationship with somebody else after this one ends. And I don't think things like "exclusivity" should just be assumed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann Onn
So yeah... finding someone who accepts you as you are, is huge. Finding someone who isn't going to try to change you (in any major way) is huge. The corollary is also huge - finding someone you can accept as they are and not try to change.... It goes both ways.
People of both genders can try to take over and make their partner into someone they're not. Enough bad experiences with others not accepting you as is and trying to change you into someone else would leave anyone with a bad taste in their mouth about relationships.
That is just so incredibly wise that I think it bears repeating.
When you accept somebody you are accepting them exactly as they are. I like to think that we are all works in progress, and that our lives will advance as we acquire experience, wisdom and knowledge, but that is an individual process. As somebody who loves this person you will see it as appreciating their growth, not as your opportunity to change them into something you want them to be.
Then all you have to do is hope both you and them will grow in compatible directions.
My current SO has expressed some of these concerns to me. He felt like he got the bait and switch in his last marriage, where she was nice and accepting of his quirks and hobbies... until they lived together.
He needed time to believe that I'm not suddenly going to do a 180 and start nagging and griping about things that I have been cool with so far.
The one thing my SO didn't do was say he never wanted a LTR. He just admitted to be gun shy for the above reasons, and needing to take things slowly. All the while though, he was expressing appreciation for me and putting out a vibe of "this seems to be working out so far". So that's where he was different than OP's non-relationship relationship.
And as long as it remained an exclusive relationship, I was fine with taking it slowly, because I have been burned in the past also.
So yeah... finding someone who accepts you as you are, is huge. Finding someone who isn't going to try to change you (in any major way) is huge. The corollary is also huge - finding someone you can accept as they are and not try to change.... It goes both ways.
People of both genders can try to take over and make their partner into someone they're not. Enough bad experiences with others not accepting you as is and trying to change you into someone else would leave anyone with a bad taste in their mouth about relationships.
See?
1. He had legitimate concerns.
2. He expressed them. Like an adult.
3. He DIDN'T say he did NOT want the relationship to move forward or to have an LTR (which the OP's SO did say, clearly, no maybes, no wiggle room).
4. You say as long as it "remained exclusive," so I'm assuming you agreed on exclusivity (I don't see that in the OP's situation - an agreement to be, and remain, exclusive).
THIS is the adult way to handle things. Unless you're fudging and trying to keep someone around until someone better comes along. In which case you wouldn't say any of these things. You'd cover your...future by saying "I don't want a relationship" yet would dish out occasional intermittent reinforcement without any verbal commitment at all, to keep the person around. For now. Like the OP's SO seems to be doing.
^^^^ JerZ is right, the OP's man left absolutely no maybes, no wiggle room, no LTR in the plan.
This topic now has 65 replies when in fact the answer to the topic was posted in the OP.
At this point I think the OP should adjust to the fact that she's living in a dream, and decide whether it hurts more to rip the bandage off all at once, or peel it off a little bit at a time.
I think you are right. Not all people get engaged within 6 months and 5 months is awfully quick to dall “in love.” Of course you can “fall in love” that fast, but you don’t have enough info to know if it will stand the test of time until much longer.
No, not all do, but I'm talking about these relationships where someone breaks up from an LTR, because "it's not you, it's me, I'm not ready, yada, yada. . .", and then meets "the one". It's not the only model, but I've certainly seen it happen enough.
I disagree that five months is fast. It may be fast to get engaged, but not to fall in love.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
MillennialUrbanist, what you should preface every one of your statements in this thread with is:
"If I were the man in this scenario and I said this, it would mean..."
Because you are simply describing yourself. And you are not in fact typical, amigo. Your outlook on life and relationships is in fact fairly uncommon, no matter what you think from seeking bias-confirmations on piller websites. That is fringe stuff. Most guys are trying to date, have sex, and have relationships.
That does not make them right or you wrong, or vice versa. What it means though, is that statistically, it's not exactly likely that THIS man, the OP's fellow, is thinking the same stuff you'd be thinking if you were in his shoes.
But it's possible. It's one of several possibilities, in my opinion. And the only person who probably knows what was going on with that guy, IS that guy. Because I personally suspect that the OP just let it end and cut him loose.
And as I've said, I think that if she needs a relationship with milestones, progressing in the direction of a marriage and a family, if that particular path is what she's got in mind, then no matter WHAT he meant, they are not compatible. She should be seeking someone who is much more on-board with that, because he is not, and even if he could one day get there (about her) it could take years.
So there is a good chance that they just were not a good match, whether because he didn't feel she was "the one" or because he was not the marryin' kind, or because of a dozen other reasons. Their goals and values don't seem to have been aligned, most likely, regardless.
You are confusing the OP having changed to a custom user title. On other forums I have sometimes changed my title to Banned Member. For that matter, have a close look at my user title and you will discover a Spanish pun.
Don't equate my conditional comment on one UM post as any endorsement. If you put 1,000,000 monkeys typing on 1,000,000 typewriters for 1,000,000 years they would eventually produce all literary and scientific works known to man. (And fill up one hell of a landfill!)
The OP Is banned. You can't rep her, nor click to send a DM.
I had people drill into my head that not wanting marriage makes me a Peter Pan. Now you're saying that it puts me ahead of schedule, effectively leapfrogging over the marriage part. Any marriage I needed, I went through it vicariously. So your statement is reassuring to read.
I can't even!
Allow me to propose another theory. That man is worried that the OP wants a relationship with him for the wrong reasons. That is, to gain access to the stability he's willing to provide, rather than out of bodily desire for him. He wants to determine where he stands. So he's stalling the commitment part to ensure that her desire for him is genuine. It's the reversal of a woman making a man wait for sex to ensure that his feelings for her are real. Not that it's an honest thing to do for either gender, but still.
Always the conniving woman! What have you heard to give you that idea? Of course, we don't have his side, but it's inappropriate to assume that with no evidence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann Onn
My current SO has expressed some of these concerns to me. He felt like he got the bait and switch in his last marriage, where she was nice and accepting of his quirks and hobbies... until they lived together.
He needed time to believe that I'm not suddenly going to do a 180 and start nagging and griping about things that I have been cool with so far.
The one thing my SO didn't do was say he never wanted a LTR. He just admitted to be gun shy for the above reasons, and needing to take things slowly. All the while though, he was expressing appreciation for me and putting out a vibe of "this seems to be working out so far". So that's where he was different than OP's non-relationship relationship.
And as long as it remained an exclusive relationship, I was fine with taking it slowly, because I have been burned in the past also.
So yeah... finding someone who accepts you as you are, is huge. Finding someone who isn't going to try to change you (in any major way) is huge. The corollary is also huge - finding someone you can accept as they are and not try to change.... It goes both ways.
People of both genders can try to take over and make their partner into someone they're not. Enough bad experiences with others not accepting you as is and trying to change you into someone else would leave anyone with a bad taste in their mouth about relationships.
JerZ's good response notwithstanding, I'd be wary of someone who blames the failure of his marriage (or any LTR) solely on the woman.
Just to be fair, the "OP's fellow" is not here to tell us HIS side of the story, so in effect guessing what Urban thinks and guessing with OP's fellow thinks are both open to conjecture.
Right, that was my point, it's all conjecture. In the absence of the guy, who would know what was afoot in his own mind, I suggested to the OP that she could have tried...asking him? Like asking him, "You said this thing, what does this mean to you?"
My opinion was, if all she needed was to be called "girlfriend" but had no aspirations on all the other milestones and bundled "relationship package" then maybe they could have negotiated a way forward. Like if being called that, or not, was the difference between her feeling like she mattered, versus just some hookup piece of tail he didn't care about...perhaps a conversation could have sorted that out. Especially given the amount of time and attention he was putting into her. (Had it not appeared he was enthusiastic to be spending lots of time with her, I might not have suggested this.) So it depended on a.) her expectations, and b.) his reservations. No way to know, with him not here to say and her not asking. And now not even a member at all.
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