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Old 06-20-2018, 01:54 PM
 
30 posts, read 17,528 times
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The phrase "I need more space" can mean a lot of different things. It could mean that something bad happened today, and I need a cooling off period. It could also mean the relationship is on the rocks.


I am assuming here this isn't a deal where the relationship is on the rocks.


If I come home from a bad day at work, the last thing I want to immediately do is talk about it. It's because I am in a pissy mood, I am in a state where my feelings might be taken out on my partner, and I haven't had time to calm down and formulate my thoughts to make sense of what has happened.


I don't need a cave with a football game on and a beer. I need a meditation mat.


Many women could use one too.


I find the need for many women to vent their feelings without censorship or without allowing any time to cool down to be very frustrating because I just don't think any couple can have a "Hold me tight" conversation when someone is in that state. You need to get your Amygdala calmed down to truly make sense of has happened.


On the other hand, once guys have calmed down, it is very important to let your partner in on what's going on, and just as importantly, to let her inform you about what is going on with her. Don't just think because the tornado has passed that there isn't a need to share each other's lives. It's important to maintaining an emotional connection. After all, that person on the other end is your "biggest supporter and fan." They believe in you more than the boss, the barkeeper, or a guy who gave you bad customer service at a hardware store. Or at least that's the way it's supposed to be.


But to be honest, I have met plenty of women who have said "I need more space," so I don't think it's gender specific.
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Old 06-20-2018, 01:58 PM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,875,433 times
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I feel like when it's just about having had a stressed day or week, and needing alone time, it would be couched that way, normally. Because most people know "I need space" will raise flags and question marks. If you DON'T want your SO to doubt you're likely to say "Honey, I've been at everyone's beck and call all week and I just need some me time" than "I need space" and that's it.

Usually, a person who doesn't want his/her SO to doubt, feel unloved, or worry, will give a brief explanation, even a sentence or two.

JME.
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Old 06-20-2018, 02:00 PM
 
Location: NY
15,887 posts, read 6,683,369 times
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No two relationships are identical. All people are unique in each and every way.
There is no right or wrong answer. The thing that counts most is when the chips
are down you have each others back.
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Old 06-20-2018, 02:03 PM
 
8,781 posts, read 9,413,038 times
Reputation: 9547
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
I feel like when it's just about having had a stressed day or week, and needing alone time, it would be couched that way, normally. Because most people know "I need space" will raise flags and question marks. If you DON'T want your SO to doubt you're likely to say "Honey, I've been at everyone's beck and call all week and I just need some me time" than "I need space" and that's it.

Usually, a person who doesn't want his/her SO to doubt, feel unloved, or worry, will give a brief explanation, even a sentence or two.

JME.
This is assuming your SO responds with “ok” and not “but why?” Or some other variation of wanting answers or presenting inquires instead of acceptance.

The return is as important as the catch here.
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Old 06-20-2018, 02:04 PM
 
Location: Middle America
10,963 posts, read 7,023,150 times
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Men and women are different (duh). This includes how we respond and react. As a male, I treasure personal and alone time. It helps me get grounded and regain myself (my roots). It's sort of the primal "cave time" we need. Women share the special needs as well, like crying and sharing feelings. I don't expect women to understand, but then again, there are female traits that I don't understand, even with repeated tries and attempts.

Maybe we can't expect to know and understand everything. But we can respect each's differences, and try not to get bogged down with them.
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Old 06-20-2018, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Rural NW Nevada
431 posts, read 349,508 times
Reputation: 1418
Sometimes when someone says that what they really mean is they need space for other people!



Then again, sometimes they just need to be left alone for a little while for some peace and quiet.



I know this is probably not much help but there it is.
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Old 06-20-2018, 02:44 PM
 
888 posts, read 552,535 times
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There is nothing wrong with space. My husband and I take space all the time. Separate hobbies, separate trips, alone time. Doesn't mean we don't love each other. On the flip side, I don't understand some people's need for " constant togetherness" You just need to find someone who wants what you want. There is no point in being with someone who doesn't want the same as you. I dated people in the past who were into " constant" being together, and no separate trips etc. They weren't for me. Nothing wrong with them, I just want someone a bit more independent than that.
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Old 06-20-2018, 03:04 PM
 
13,262 posts, read 7,951,329 times
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I guess me and my husband make our own spaces when we need to, and it's not an announcement per se. I know when my husband is stressed, he gets on the computer and plays WOW. We're in the same room, but he's in his own world. When we were FIRST married, that bugged me, but it doesn't anymore.


When I need 'just me' time, I go for a walk, or I go to the basement to work on my art projects, or peruse the local antique mall, etc. Neither of us feel the need to announce "I need me time", we just make it for ourselves.


We do a LOT of things together, and my husband is really good about making me a priority, so I know and I feel loved, respected, etc. I don't feel it as some kind of rejection, that he carves out some time for himself. It's probably a good thing that we're both kind of introverted, and understand the need to re-energize by being alone sometimes.
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Old 06-20-2018, 08:30 PM
 
7,019 posts, read 3,714,694 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KitKat85 View Post
As a woman, I don't get this concept. Yet I have heard people talking about it repeatedly. Sometimes I need space to process my thought/situations, but I usually bounce back or I am not neglectful. But some men pulled back, and people were okay with it. What the heck!
Everyone needs "me time" when they are in a relationship.
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Old 06-21-2018, 06:36 PM
 
107 posts, read 66,984 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
I think that phrase could mean different things to different people, men or women.

It could mean, "I need you specifically, to back off. I feel that you are trying to lay claim to more of me, than I really want to offer you."

Or if you're in a good relationship, it could simply be that a person is an introvert and needs some measure of alone time to recharge. I'm an extrovert in a relationship with an introvert right now, though I like having my own space, too. We live in different parts of the house, but still spend a lot of our free time together. He just has a stronger need for that alone time than I do, it's actually quite important for his mental health. For me, it's kind of a luxury. I like having my room where I can work on art projects or whatever.

So context and the nature of the withdrawal...it matters. And I have known plenty of women who needed "space" for either of these reasons, too. Though it might be that women, especially when we have kids, feel less entitlement to act on our own needs in such ways sometimes.
I am an introvert and I made it clear when I first got married that I needed alone time.
My wife and I got along fine for 15 years when we both worked. I did at times feel "crowded" or the need for more space, or alone time. But since we were often on opposing schedules it worked pretty well. There were challenges, yes; arguments, yes; but overall we made it work pretty well, other than the fact that 2 years in she stopped being interested in sex.

But then I was able to retire and I had bought a property so we built a home together and she came with me (it was in another country which was cheaper and all I could afford).

Long story shorter, as soon as we retired together and spent 24/7 together, it stopped working.
We began fighting over every little thing (and some big things).
She hated our new home so I sent her back to stay with her family for awhile which she preferred to living here with me.

I got lonely and asked her to come back but every time we are together 24/7 for more than a couple months we get on each other's nerves to the point where everything she says upsets me one way or another and everything I say upsets her one way or another. I'm only exaggerating a little.

My point is I do think many men need more alone time than women. Also most men think women talk too much (meaning they talk too much about stuff that doesn't interest men (family, childhood, gossip, fashion, you name it).

You've heard the jokes comedians tell about how women "won't shut up". I find it to be true that most women cannot be quiet for long and most men can and want to. And want their women to.

But on the other hand there are extroverts and introverts and women too can be introverts, meaning they also need some space, some time alone.

I am both a man and an introvert which means I need more time alone and away from people in general, than most men do.

When I married my wife I did not take this into account even though as I said, I did TELL her I needed space. But she didn't "get it" and it just went in one ear and out the other so to speak.

So now we're retired out in the country, she wants to talk to me all the time, has few people to talk to, and I feel the need to get away from her half the time to be alone. But in a small house out in the country we're together all the time anyway and our marriage is on the rocks.

So yes some men need more space than others and if they don't get it, it can really ruin a marriage that otherwise was fine. As long as my wife was not in the house with me 24/7 things were pretty good. Now we are fighting /bickering constantly and there is little hope we're going to make it through this.
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