Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I love John Gottman's work ("Why marriages succeed or fail"). I need to read his books again. Anyway, this article says that arguing is healthy and means you love each other the most. I absolutely HATE arguing but I have only ever been in the two types of relationships here that he describes as unhealthy. I would love to be in the one he describes as healthy. Maybe then I would be okay with arguing. What do you think of this?
- The guy who only wants me to agree with him. I had no say, what I thought didn't matter.
- The guy who runs away from arguments.
- The guy who wants to have empty fights (fights over nothing).
I do believe that how a couple fights will determine whether or not they will stay together or split (divorce). I've never had the healthy type of fighting that Gottman describes. Ever. So sad.
- The guy who only wants me to agree with him. I had no say, what I thought didn't matter.
- The guy who runs away from arguments.
- The guy who wants to have empty fights (fights over nothing).
I do believe that how a couple fights will determine whether or not they will stay together or split (divorce). I've never had the healthy type of fighting that Gottman describes. Ever. So sad.
But why do you want to fight?
My ex wife loved to fight and I hated it. She was always right and everything was always my fault. And now we're divorced.
I am now in a relationship with a woman with whom I never fight. Sure, we have minor disagreements that we quickly settle by discussion and listening.
I believe this is the type of fight the OP thinks is good for relationships:
Quote:
Couples who want to talk, make a compromise and resolve their problems
Notice in this type of "fighting", there is no fighting, just talking. The author is trying to give his target audience an alternative definition to fighting. Notice how he doesn't explain how to fight fairly. He is just trying to validate immaturity.
In order for a couple to survive the yelling, throwing, kicking kind of fighting, both have to understand the reason behind those ridiculous behaviors. People who do this are trying to protect their feelings, especially their negative ones, which is a selfish act. When you move from being selfish to talking it out, all it means is that you have learned more about each other. As a result, there should be less fighting in the future.
However, there are skills you can learn to skip the fighting part if all you need to do is learn more about your partner.
Fighting is ridiculous. Once in awhile is inevitable but in a healthy relationship you should lay down some ground rules about disagreements. It’s ok to feel frustrated or have a strong and sudden reaction, but you have to set it aside as quickly as you see it happen and change gears into a more productive mode of communication.
If you find yourself with controlling men, you need to learn to assert yourself more and learn to step away once you learn their true nature.
I believe this is the type of fight the OP thinks is good for relationships:
Notice in this type of "fighting", there is no fighting, just talking. The author is trying to give his target audience an alternative definition to fighting. Notice how he doesn't explain how to fight fairly. He is just trying to validate immaturity.
In order for a couple to survive the yelling, throwing, kicking kind of fighting, both have to understand the reason behind those ridiculous behaviors. People who do this are trying to protect their feelings, especially their negative ones, which is a selfish act. When you move from being selfish to talking it out, all it means is that you have learned more about each other. As a result, there should be less fighting in the future.
However, there are skills you can learn to skip the fighting part if all you need to do is learn more about your partner.
Yes, I agree. You have to read the article, not just my post. And if you're really interested in why marriages fail and which ones survive, read John Gottman's book "Why marriages fail".
I HATE fighting, I don't want to fight, but the author is helping me see it in a different way. He's helping me see that it's necessary. I wouldn't go around starting a fight, you'll never catch me doing that, but if a fight does come up next time I'm in a couple, I will be interested to see how it unfolds. That will be an indicator of our future together.
Yes, I agree. You have to read the article, not just my post. And if you're really interested in why marriages fail and which ones survive, read John Gottman's book "Why marriages fail".
I HATE fighting, I don't want to fight, but the author is helping me see it in a different way. He's helping me see that it's necessary. I wouldn't go around starting a fight, you'll never catch me doing that, but if a fight does come up next time I'm in a couple, I will be interested to see how it unfolds. That will be an indicator of our future together.
In that case, take Ellie's advise which I bolded.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie
Fighting is ridiculous. Once in awhile is inevitable but in a healthy relationship you should lay down some ground rules about disagreements. It’s ok to feel frustrated or have a strong and sudden reaction, but you have to set it aside as quickly as you see it happen and change gears into a more productive mode of communication.
If you find yourself with controlling men, you need to learn to assert yourself more and learn to step away once you learn their true nature.
Sounds like you make poor choices in men.
Nobody is perfect and people lose their temper, but the advise above will get you back on the right track. Making up after a fight depends greatly on your ability to bounce back from hurt feelings. I don't mean talk back. Its more like "get over your hurt feelings."
If you find yourself with controlling men, you need to learn to assert yourself more and learn to step away once you learn their true nature.
Was this post directed to me? Not sure if it was. If so, I have been with one controlling man. Not sure if you read the other examples I gave? The other two weren't controlling, in fact, one was the complete opposite.
Quote:
Sounds like you make poor choices in men.
That's a fair assessment, although I wouldn't say my ex-husband wasn't the worse man in the world. I am better now at picking, which is why I am still single. The thing is, you can't know how you are going to handle an argument as a couple, until it happens. And that might not happen for months into it, and by that time, you've fallen for/grown attached to the person, or at least I have. I think now, I will always keep in mind that I need to really pay attention to other things, instead of just the good feelings that happen in the beginning.
Nobody is perfect and people lose their temper, but the advise above will get you back on the right track. Making up after a fight depends greatly on your ability to bounce back from hurt feelings. I don't mean talk back. Its more like "get over your hurt feelings."
I agree, but I do need some help from my partner. I have never had that in the past. I need to be met half way, I need to see some effort on his part. I need to see that he cares. I am not unreasonable!
PS - Did you guys who are commenting read the entire article I posted?
I agree, but I do need some help from my partner. I have never had that in the past. I need to be met half way, I need to see some effort on his part. I need to see that he cares. I am not unreasonable!
PS - Did you guys who are commenting read the entire article I posted?
I did read the article but what you are describing is what people here have called codependency. That is not what the author is advocating.
The message of the article is mostly about telling the truth. Some people hold the truth in but when they can no longer hold the truth, it comes out as a fight. You have to have a partner who will accept this about you. This is not about effort; this is about acceptance.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
