How Important is Having Shared Goals? (dating, wife, long-term, how to)

[DennyCrane]

My friend and his wife have been married a few years. He recently resolved to lose weight and improve his health. She’s overweight too, but isn’t interested in slimming down. She is, however, very career driven. He is as well, but not to the same extent. From my conversations with each of them, I picked up on a certain tension, a feeling that attaining their individual goals would be easier if the other person shared them. Neither of them felt like the other person was undermining them. They both felt their partner was being supportive. But they also felt like maintaining motivation was harder because their partner wasn’t working towards the same thing. In his case, he can find friends who are health conscious or join a support group. But he felt it wasn’t the same. Obviously, depending on the goal, you can’t always share it with your partner. If you’re trying to quit smoking, for example, and your partner is already a non-smoker, then clearly they can’t join in. But in terms of motivation, how much do you think it matters to have the same goal(s) as your partner?

[greatblueheron]

I think it'd be helpful but certainly not necessary...

that be like saying you couldn't do work towards a goal on your own. It's not up to the other person to help you achieve your goal...

but if they do help out, then likely a better outcome.

[oh-eve]

It is a huge difference if is a personal goal like losing weight or a career goal.


Me being ambitious at work doesn't depend on my partners support that much.
Me trying to stick to a strict diet while my partner eats everything in front of me ... yeah .. super tough.


Most of the time my partners have been comfortable in their position at work and I tried to move up. Didn't affect our relationship one bit.

[calmverbs]

I'm not married but I would think having mutual goals with something like physical health
would kind of be a dating/ bonding thing you just notice and discuss.
Especially things like smoking and being overweight.
Marriages are supposed to have a willingness to be self sacrificing
So giving up something you love for the benefit of the relationship or the benefit of only your mate is what you signed up for.
Motivating your wife to do things that benefit her will in the long run benefit you when you need her to sacrifice something
and if she's asking of you to commit to something positive for her then bite the bullet and do it.
You should believe that she would do the same for you if your marriage is healthy
That's why the dating part is more important than the marriage part if you ask me
Dating is the due diligence period!!

If your falling and you think grabbing your partner is a good idea to prevent that.
are you grabbing to not fall or are you grabbing because you know they can help?
Is there any concern for their welfare?
Motivation is the same way imo
You should know your mates capabilities beforehand... those are the discoverable habits that tell you if your going to
hit the ground alone, hit the ground together, or not hit the ground at all.
Having the same goals is a HUGE plus towards togetherness.

[Sonic_Spork]

Personally I think it only matters if someone is going to inhibit the progress of the other partner. And then you've just got to weigh how much it matters, and try to communicate your feelings to your partner and figure out how to navigate it.

As a smoker who wants to quit (and who has had significant attempts in recent years) I know that having a partner who was also a smoker, even if they were also determined to quit, would make it worse, not better. If one of us wavered, the other would be off the wagon so easily. I was married to a fellow smoker and even being around him at all makes me want to smoke. My present bf is a non-smoker and when I've been able to be off the habit it has been very helpful to me that it's not part of his life.

Maybe that is like having a partner who is already fit, and wanting to get fit--they can kind of inspire you and motivate you to be closer to the successful place they're already at.

One issue I have is that I'd like to get out and go for walks, whether an evening stroll or a weekend hike, more often. But my partner works on his feet and on his off time he just wants to relax. I enjoy a lazy Saturday in bed as much as the next person, but I actually feel like I'd be imposing on him asking him to go for a walk with me. However, it registers as a very minor thing, not even quite an annoyance on my radar. It's not really a big deal to me. If I cared more about this, I'd talk to him about it and we'd find some compromise.

[HokieFan]

Life goals - Life goals are the big, long-term goals. Hugely important for them to be shared.

Shared personal/professional goals - Not as important to have shared goals of this variety but to be supportive of individual goals such as losing weight or quitting smoking.