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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stockwiz
A lot of the older posters here can't really appreciate the fact that our culture has changed.. women have a lot more options and aren't stuck with rigid cultural restraints like in the past. They are much more free to branch swing, explore, and test the waters. This makes it much harder for the average man because there's always someone out there more exciting than you, and excitement drives attraction. It's also the reason they are waiting longer to marry.. they want to get all the "fun" out of their system.
I don't know how old you are, but I'm 46, and this was FULLY true in the 80s and 90s, and by all accounts, in the 60s and 70s too.
And they wait longer to marry because they're working on their education and careers, and don't need to marry. It's also far more socially acceptable to not want to have children. None of the women I've dated recently (from 33-45) have had children.
For me it was always "something" getting in the way or the guy was unattainable in some way. Either he had a gf, just wanted to mess around, I was too nervous, distance, etc. Coming across someone I am attracted to is rare as well.
When I was younger it was really irritating. But I'm thankful because it taught me that a relationship isn't something to just "get," like an item in the store. It's something that happens naturally by through just being social with people. Nowadays, I don't feel that stress anymore and I'm very comfortable being single.
I can't recall being attracted to someone before interacting with them. How could I? I don't know them, I don't know if there is any chemistry, any rapport. There is nothing to be attracted to.
I can think they're good looking (oh wow), but that's pretty meaningless. I see literally dozens of good looking people a day. It doesn't affect me at all other than the oh wow.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by edwinpa7
Ok. You're overthinking this.
I am not. If you're asking why I don't go up to people just because I think they're good looking, that is because I have no desire to, and no reason to, and I'd be spending half my life doing so since good looking people are all over. I wouldn't be able to run half a mile without stopping.
Well, if you've met them I presume you've been introduced to them and interacted some. Sure, sometimes just a brief interaction is all it takes.
But that (meeting them) is pretty significantly different than just seeing them.
Have you never seen someone and chosen to approach her based on what's before your eyes. You may choose to call that something other than attraction, and maybe that distinction is valid, but in a very real sense we often seem to be drawn to people based first on how they look. Does that not happen for you?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
Have you never seen someone and chosen to approach her based on what's before your eyes. You may choose to call that something other than attraction, and maybe that distinction is valid, but in a very real sense we often seem to be drawn to people based first on how they look. Does that not happen for you?
No. I can't recall that ever happening to me. Unless they're like wearing a t-shirt of a cool band that is obscure and I like (if that's included in how they look), but, that would happen if they're a 25 yo dude or a 40 yo woman. It's about having something in common like the band (or whatever).
I am not. If you're asking why I don't go up to people just because I think they're good looking, that is because I have no desire to, and no reason to, and I'd be spending half my life doing so since good looking people are all over. I wouldn't be able to run half a mile without stopping.
I asked the question assuming every human male and female DO get attracted by a stranger. If your single of course.
We all have something that we like about the opposite sex. Big butt, big eyes, great smile. Yes it's superficial
But that's how we end up marrying. It's all superficially first.
So as soon as your Human instincts kick in... assuming you are single.. what stops u from cold approaching that stranger that caught your eye?
It could be as simple as I'm happily married. Or as complicated as "I feel fat and unatractive" Or "I don't know what to say".
The distinction that timberline keeps talking about is why I use the word that some folks don't necessarily like, "sapiosexuality" in description to myself. I guess it is supposed to mean I am turned on by smart people, but what I mean when I say it, is to differentiate from the idea that I spot a good looking human and want to have sex (or anything) with them. That literally never, ever happens for me. Ever.
I might see someone and think they look potentially interesting. That is more likely due to their choices of clothing or hair or makeup or ink or piercings...something they are using to express themselves visually...it is never just because they're a particularly tall or symmetrical or well proportioned specimen of the human animal. If they are just like everybody else but "better" or "above average" then my eyes slide right by, I don't even notice them. They are invisible. Even if they look like a model or something. That holds zero interest for me.
So let's say I spot someone who hits that "interesting?" button. At that point we are not at "attraction" we are at "curiosity." I might try to talk to them. And then there is a very even chance, in fact a greater chance, that the conversation will be a dud. Either they are uninterested in interaction, or they have some factor of voice or mannerism that is offputting, or nothing of any interest to say. So then there is no attraction. And my curiosity is also now dead. We're done. Bye.
Alternately I might find myself in conversation somehow with one of the more "invisible" people that I never would have noticed, because they DID something to get my attention (which I guess guys here refer to as "approaching.") Good possibility that the conversation could spark first curiosity, then attraction, at that point.
Looks might trigger a bit of curiosity for me, but never attraction. Attraction only happens once we've interacted positively. I have to want more of them.
There is no level of good looks that can make up for it, if the interaction is cold or dull or unappealing. None. So I do not go after people on sight alone. I get the feeling that is something some people do, and some just don't.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by edwinpa7
I asked the question assuming every human male and female DO get attracted by a stranger. .
Yes, you did, and your assumption is incorrect.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Looks might trigger a bit of curiosity for me, but never attraction. Attraction only happens once we've interacted positively. I have to want more of them.
.
Exactly. A neat outfit, or a cool band t-shirt, or a funky haircut, might catch my eye for a moment and make do a double take, but it isn't attraction. It's just something that caught my eye, and it happens a dozen times a day, every day, at least.
Now, if we interact as a part of living our lives and socializing and there is chemistry or a spark, then yeah, different story. Each to their own, but it sounds completely insane to me to try to go up to every (or even many) of the people that happen to catch my eye for an instant and make a conversation with them in the hopes that there will be chemistry. It sounds exhausting (it sounds like a lifestyle it would take so much of my time!), and not fun, and unnatural, and really futile as an extremely tiny percentage of people will there be chemistry with. So, just live life and if something happens, it happens.
Swallowing the red pill is the hardest truth for me. The notion that if you aren't confident with your approach women are quick to friend zone.. they don't really care how "nice" you are if you are a pushover or talk or act like you are "weak".
Couple of comments -
Friendzone can mean one of three things
1. Someone who they actually have no interest in being friends with, but don't mind being acquainted.
2. Someone who they want to use but aren't attracted to. But the other person hangs around hoping she'll come around.
3. Actual friend
The only time I've landed female friends (as opposed to the other two types) is when I behaved completely differently from what you described. Women won't respect you as a lover OR a friend if you're a pushover.
For what it's worth, the only women I've actually ended up being friends with were people I had some interest in but friendzoned early on. From talking to women who are friends, I've found that they have similar experiences.
The other two types aren't even friendships. The term friendzoned is abused to usually just mean "we won't be sleeping together."
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