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For you maybe. Everyone is different. It depends on how open minded and adventurous the people are. And how strong the attraction is. If both people are smitten and adventurous it ought to happen quickly. I met my wife on the subway. Talked her into giving me her phone number just before she got off the train. Went on our first date 2 days later. Got engaged 5 months later, got married 10 months after that. Been married for 44 years. Every woman or girl I have known before I met my wife, it either happened quickly or not at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CBeisbol
....
Anyone who answers that the statement is correct, they're answering something that they can't possibly know.
....Anyway, the statement in question is 100% false
As a woman, the way I tend to handle myself socially so that I do NOT have a constant barrage of men doing this to me, yet I still have plenty of male friends, is to be sensitive to the vibe they're putting out there. If I get the sense they have something on their mind where I'm concerned, I'll have a word with 'em and make things clear. If they decide to continue behaving inappropriately and making me uncomfortable, I'll start avoiding and ignoring them, I will "go cold" to them. It's very noticeable and obvious when I act that way.
Had that guy you described called me "honey" in front of other people, I would have pulled back and given him a pointed look with a raised eyebrow (and Spock-face is something I'm pretty good at) and said, loudly, "Honey?" and put him on the spot about it.
I don't have to imagine men doing this to me, I know what it's like, it just doesn't happen that often for me because I am very up-front with what I'm about. If I'm available, people know it, if I'm interested in them, they usually know that too, and if I'm just being sociable and fun, but NOT available, they should also know that. I don't expect people (men) to be mind readers. I'll tell a dude what's up.
The only ones I have a problem with are those who don't heed me when I tell them point blank they don't have a chance with me. I can't figure out if they think:
- They'll change my mind if they persist?
- I am not noticing their avid interest and too-cozy behaviors, like they're doing a good job pretending to be an appropriately behaved friend, when really they are not?
- They don't care if I'm uncomfortable or even enjoy making me uncomfortable?
And the ones who annoy me the most are the ones who clearly are not playing, joking, or being friendly, they are dead serious in their pursuit, but if you call them on it, they act like it was some kind of a joke. I know a joke when I see one. Dude is not fooling anybody.
But contrast that to this guy I know who has no trouble getting women (he is poly, has a wife and a gf) so he's not acting thirsty, he's just a flirt. He is a flirt always with everybody, even other men sometimes, even my bf sometimes. He will make a dramatic show of being all lovelorn and me breaking his heart, but it's all...theater. It's funny, the way he does it, a sort of running joke. And I feel completely comfortable with him. He really does like me for who I am and he really does appreciate being my friend. The distinction is very easy to sense.
With guys like this it took me a long time to realize THEY were the problem. Not me. I was struggling with feeling like all I was worth was being someone's wife or girlfriend. It was really irritating dealing with it. I'm flattered to be regarded so highly in that manner, but for it to consistently happen over and over again, it really screws with my trust in people. It's mentally exhausting.
For you maybe. Everyone is different. It depends on how open minded and adventurous the people are. And how strong the attraction is. If both people are smitten and adventurous it ought to happen quickly. I met my wife on the subway. Talked her into giving me her phone number just before she got off the train. Went on our first date 2 days later. Got engaged 5 months later, got married 10 months after that. Been married for 44 years. Every woman or girl I have known before I met my wife, it either happened quickly or not at all.
I think a lot may have to do with experience and baggage.
When you're young, things may move quickly and might turn out just fine.
When you're older, and possibly badly burned by moving quickly, things may move slower.
Both are fine, as long as everyone is somewhat self-aware about what is going on.
He said if women aren't attracted to you, they aren't attracted to you. You can't force someone to like you.
Exactly right, and that's what guys who get all hung up on the "friend zone" crap forget. Most people know pretty much immediately if there's attraction and they want to get to know you further. Women don't consciously decide to put a dude in any kind of zone because he did or said something in the wrong order or at the wrong time.
Exactly right, and that's what guys who get all hung up on the "friend zone" crap forget. Most people know pretty much immediately if there's attraction and they want to get to know you further. Women don't consciously decide to put a dude in any kind of zone because he did or said something in the wrong order or at the wrong time.
I don't think most men complain about that version of the friendzone(at least I don't) it's the ones that say maybe when they mean "no F-in way" the ones that offer a ray of hope knowing they will never go further than that. thats why if it does not happen quickly I keep stepping, because it would be a waste of time to but focus on someone who is not getting the same rush being together as I do.
And some people do this because friendzoned people tend to be the perfect bf, like a boyfriend on steroids and many women keep this limbo going because they are getting the benefits of having a boyfriend without the expectations.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,742,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CapsChick
It was a combination of factors, most of which had to do with bad timing. I was in the process of moving to a new city (he was located in that area) but had not moved yet. I had started my new job but still needed to find a place to live/pack up and move from my previous city, etc. There were other people in the picture on my end. He was buying a new house and had months of work to do on it, selling his old house etc. Neither of us were prioritizing dating at that moment in time.
Aside from the timing, he didn't make that much of an impression on me the first time we met. I thought he was a really nice guy, but I was used to confident guys with swagger (I spent 35 years in Northern Va). My husband is quiet and his charms are somewhat hidden.
We kept in touch sporadically and when my life had calmed down, I reached back out to him. We started hanging out as friends, and things grew from there. I discovered his hidden charms, and the rest is history.
In my 20s, I was audacious enough to think I could tell within 5 minutes whether there was potential with someone. Then I grew up.
That actually sounds pretty reasonable, you both were in kind of points of busyness chaos, for lack of a better word, in your life. I have a pretty chaotic season in my life right now in which might not be the best time to date. So like the date I went on this past week, I didn’t feel a spark so I’m not inclined to pursue when if I wasn’t in so much chaos right now, I’d be more patient and ask for a second date. One part of the chaos is I’m trying to get the hell out of Northern VA, so I don’t want anything tying me here after I get done with school in a couple of weeks.
As a woman, the way I tend to handle myself socially so that I do NOT have a constant barrage of men doing this to me, yet I still have plenty of male friends, is to be sensitive to the vibe they're putting out there. If I get the sense they have something on their mind where I'm concerned, I'll have a word with 'em and make things clear. If they decide to continue behaving inappropriately and making me uncomfortable, I'll start avoiding and ignoring them, I will "go cold" to them. It's very noticeable and obvious when I act that way.
Had that guy you described called me "honey" in front of other people, I would have pulled back and given him a pointed look with a raised eyebrow (and Spock-face is something I'm pretty good at) and said, loudly, "Honey?" and put him on the spot about it.
I don't have to imagine men doing this to me, I know what it's like, it just doesn't happen that often for me because I am very up-front with what I'm about. If I'm available, people know it, if I'm interested in them, they usually know that too, and if I'm just being sociable and fun, but NOT available, they should also know that. I don't expect people (men) to be mind readers. I'll tell a dude what's up.
The only ones I have a problem with are those who don't heed me when I tell them point blank they don't have a chance with me. I can't figure out if they think:
- They'll change my mind if they persist?
- I am not noticing their avid interest and too-cozy behaviors, like they're doing a good job pretending to be an appropriately behaved friend, when really they are not?
- They don't care if I'm uncomfortable or even enjoy making me uncomfortable?
And the ones who annoy me the most are the ones who clearly are not playing, joking, or being friendly, they are dead serious in their pursuit, but if you call them on it, they act like it was some kind of a joke. I know a joke when I see one. Dude is not fooling anybody.
But contrast that to this guy I know who has no trouble getting women (he is poly, has a wife and a gf) so he's not acting thirsty, he's just a flirt. He is a flirt always with everybody, even other men sometimes, even my bf sometimes. He will make a dramatic show of being all lovelorn and me breaking his heart, but it's all...theater. It's funny, the way he does it, a sort of running joke. And I feel completely comfortable with him. He really does like me for who I am and he really does appreciate being my friend. The distinction is very easy to sense.
Quote:
But contrast that to this guy I know who has no trouble getting women (he is poly, has a wife and a gf) so he's not acting thirsty, he's just a flirt.
Gee...why does the bolded not surprise me. He's obviously attracting other women because he is with 2 of them already. They figure, "Hey, he must have somethin' going for him." lol
That guy without anyone, screw that guy!
Kind of goes in the same wheelhouse when swingers won't let single men in their circles.
There's just something unappealing about a legit single man.
For you maybe. Everyone is different. It depends on how open minded and adventurous the people are. And how strong the attraction is. If both people are smitten and adventurous it ought to happen quickly. I met my wife on the subway. Talked her into giving me her phone number just before she got off the train. Went on our first date 2 days later. Got engaged 5 months later, got married 10 months after that. Been married for 44 years. Every woman or girl I have known before I met my wife, it either happened quickly or not at all.
No. For everyone
It is impossible, for everyone, to know how a relationship would have ended up after the relationship has been ended.
Gee...why does the bolded not surprise me. He's obviously attracting other women because he is with 2 of them already. They figure, "Hey, he must have somethin' going for him." lol
That guy without anyone, screw that guy!
Kind of goes in the same wheelhouse when swingers won't let single men in their circles.
There's just something unappealing about a legit single man.
Dude what?
First of all where do you read that he is attracting women? I'm comfortable around him because I know that even with all of the jokey BS flirting crap going on, he is not trying to push my boundaries. He actually respects that I'm in a relationship and I'm not available to him. He will joke around about me breaking his heart one second, and be flirting with another person in the next second.
And yeah, he is in demand. It isn't looks and it isn't money. He's a broke 40 year old college student who is overweight, though he does have pretty green eyes. Mainly he's a showoff who does tricks with fire and magic. The dude is dramatic by nature. That's what I'm trying to say is that even with some flirting in the mix, a guy and a woman can be friends pretty comfortably.
The dude without anyone needs to act right.
I'm not available to be with either of these men.
It's just that when I point to a boundary (like imagine it as a physical line, ok, and I'm actually pointing at it saying, "Here is a boundary that I have.") The fun flirty friend responds by saying, "Oh ok, cool. No problem. I respect that." The single guy I know, the desperate thirsty lonely guy I know, when I do the same thing of showing him a boundary, responds more like, "Ohhhh....well I'll just sit here and stare at it until it moves. While inching slowly closer...and closer..." Until I want to hit him with something.
And as a matter of fact when it comes to appearances and such, the boundary pusher is more my type. I actually find him fairly attractive, but his behavior has guaranteed that even if I were single tomorrow, he wouldn't have a chance.
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